Welcome to another Kinky World episode of: how to do cool femdom things! Today, we’re talking about how to give JOI – that is, jerk off instructions. This post is specifically written for femdoms by a femdom; I want to help you feel more comfortable in your dominant position – and explore the kinks and scenes you want.
And today, since you’re here, that kink is jerk off instructions.
So, let’s dive into how to give JOI. First, let’s get on the same page about what it is.
What are Jerk Off Instructions?
Jerk Off Instructions are exactly how they sound: instructions about how to jerk off. Almost always given to penis-owners (but possible for vagina-owners too!), jerk off instructions are a set of instructions that tell the person how to touch themselves.
Jerk off instructions can be given in real-time with back-and-forth feedback between the partners – or they can be given asynchronized (like if you leave a bullet-point list for your partner to follow 6 hours in the future).
Jerk off instructions can be extremely simple (“only using two fingers today!”) or as complex as you want (“only while standing on one foot in front of a fan on full blast while you listen to “This is the Song that Never Ends”). They can provide a 300-point outline of instructions – or they can be as simple as a sentence.
What is JOI?
So that you (or my!) fingers don’t fall off (which, hey, I always appreciate) from typing out the full phrase, the term “Jerk Off Instructions” is regularly shortened to “JOI”.
This can make it easier to type during (let’s be real) searches for porn, but it’s also just the common term you’ll see tossed around when discussing kinks.
Because all of us like to be lazy sometimes.
Why Do Guys Like Jerk Off Instructions?
Let’s be fair for a second: a lot of subs, regardless of gender, love JOI. For some reason, however, (your guess is as good as mine), the kink tends to stay pretty firmly planted in the penis-owning realm of submissives.
If I had to gander a guess, I’d say it’s because Jerk Off Instructions, given in heterosexual partnerships, would lead to the vagina-owning submissive doing a lot of things that weren’t necessarily pleasurable or orgasmic for the receiver. (I’ve had a lot of casual romantic partners ask me to do really odd, non-pleasurable things to my vagina – that they were under the assumption would be amazing.)
On the opposing side, almost anything you command someone to do to a penis (outside of intentional pain) will likely be orgasmic or pleasurable for most subs.
That isn’t a reason that vagina-owning subs can’t like jerk off instructions: they totally can! It can just be hard to participate in it casually with brand new partners with the expectation of pleasure – and casual participation (like through porn videos and webcam sessions) is a common way that JOI scenes happen.
That all being said, any of these tips can be used with vagina-owning submissives for Jerk Off Instructions. I recommend a thorough ahead-of-time discussion with vagina owning submissives to better gauge what they enjoy (for example, for many vagina-owners, vaginal penetration alone may never lead to orgasm – and may be downright painful) before jumping into jerk off instructions though.
So, back to the question at hand: why do guys like joi?
It’s primarily because it’s a different way to masturbate. While you’ll see the occasional in-person joi session (primarily in professional dungeons where direct contact may cross a legal or personal boundary), most jerk off instructions happen online. This means that the dominant partner is too far away to stroke the submissive’s parts – and giving instructions is the next best thing.
If you happen to be in-person with one another, most “jerk off instruction” sessions between non-professional partners will probably turn into a handjob or blowjob – but that isn’t always the case!
For the submissive, jerk off instructions provide a new way to masturbate- and they’re also relatively safe, orgasmic, and let’s be honest: a submissive-focused kink activity. “Jerk off instructions” clearly is going to focus on the submissive’s pleasure – almost exclusively – in a way that is probably already comfortable and safe for the submissive. They aren’t organizing spreadsheets or doing time/effort-intensive kinks like getting an enema.
All of this can make it a really popular kink for a lot of submissives – because it’s essentially just having someone else tell you how to do the thing you already wanted to do anyway. It isn’t a niche kink like diaper play – or even pegging. Almost everyone out there likes masturbating, so when you consider how central masturbation is to jerk off instructions, it makes sense that JOI would be a very popular kink for men.
Quick Cheat Sheet: How to Give JOI
The rest of this article has a lot of great info (and I highly recommend it!), but if you’re just popping onto this article because you need quick instruction for a partner you’re currently talking to, here’s my quick cheat sheet on how to give JOI:
- Use external media as a tool. “Require” them to watch porn or read erotica without allowing them to touch.
- Require them to touch other erogenous zones. This can up the intensity and give you more “ammo” to work with.
- Draw it out as long as you want. Make them wait to touch their most orgasmic parts. Or if you just want to get it out of the way, hop straight in. It’s up to you!
- Start it off slow by only allowing a few strokes at a time before prohibiting it again.
- When the full stroking is allowed, adjust these things, as desired, to keep things feeling interesting: stroke length, stroke speed, stroke tightness/looseness, areas to stroke, sex toys/items to stroke with.
- Throw in kinks/teases/humiliation as your dynamic allows and you’re both into. Don’t be afraid to make them stop stroking to do something else!
- Edging and lots of orgasm denial can continue to draw out your scene.
- Allow them to orgasm (or don’t!) based on your desires.
How to Give JOI: Let’s Talk it Through
Okay, so we’ve covered what jerk off instructions are – and we’ve talked about why submissives might be into jerk off instructions.
Now, let’s talk about how to give JOI.
And the number 1 suggestion?
Be Confident
It doesn’t really matter what you’re telling your submissive to do to themselves as long as you’re doing it in a commanding manner.
Some people get stuck on the “what are the commands I can give during JOI?” part of things, and that’s just it: there really isn’t any set list you need to choose from.
As long as you’re commanding it, the world is a bit of your oyster.
Give basic instructions about when to slide up the shaft – and down. Or get creative and add challenges in order to “earn” those strokes.
As long as you’re commanding them to do something related to jerking off, you’re falling into the realm of jerk off instructions.
And if that submissive tells you “This isn’t JOI”? It’s time to come out of the scene and have a negotiation to ensure that both of you are on the same page about the scene. Some submissives just expect Jerk Off Instructions to be the equivalent of a porn video that quickly gets them to orgasm – and if that isn’t your idea of a fun time, this can feel problematic. Make sure to negotiate – and in the case of casual sex – easily part your separate ways if your ideas don’t match up.
Build Anticipation…or Don’t
If you’re looking to draw out your JOI session, start slow. Don’t allow much pleasurable touch at all.
Think about how you’d want to tease someone if you were getting them frustratingly turned on without allowing any type of “release”. That’s the same type of idea here.
Require them to touch their inner thighs, explore the testicles, drag fingers along the labia, or even touch other, non-genital areas on their body like the neck or lips.
Not only does this build some serious lust, but it can help the JOI scene last longer – and give you some time to really get comfortable in the dominant role.
We’re talking about suggestions like:
- “Squeeze your left/right ball”
- “Drag your fingers along the top of your thighs.”
- “Touch and squeeze around the base of your cock. No touching the shaft yet!”
- “Lay your palm flat against the tip of your cock and trap it against your stomach. No other movement is allowed!”
- “Lay your palm flat against your vulva. No moving it, though!”
- “Suck on your own finger and imagine how good it would feel if I was doing that to your cock.”
- “You’re only allowed to wrap your hand around the base of the shaft. No movement!”
Or, y’know, don’t. If you just want to get your play partner to a quick and fast orgasm, start them out on intensity 8 and build quickly up to intensity 10.
As I said before, it’s all about what you want to do, how long you want to be doing it, and what sounds hot for you to watch.
Practice Online First
If your partner has requested a JOI scene – and you really want to learn how to give JOI perfectly beforehand – consider practicing with online partners. Cam2cam JOI options can make it easy to find partners on-demand for this type of play – and can let you try things out and see what things appeal to you.
Just remember: your partner will be different than any online partner you find, so make sure to customize what you’ll do for your partner to your partner’s preferences!
But playing online with “no strings attached” can let you build your dominant persona, figure out what you actually want to see from jerk off instructions, and figure out what types of commands make you feel comfortable and which ones don’t.
Consider In-Person JOI
I know, I know: I said most jerk off instructions happen online. But that doesn’t have to be the case. You can do Jerk Off Instructions with in-person play, and it can be a blast.
Consider binding your partner to a chair with their hands free – and lounging across the room with your favorite sex toys for self-pleasure as you command your partner what to do.
Not only can this be a fun way to ensure you get the exact sensations you want that day (as you’re the one pleasuring yourself!), but it can also be a fun way to drag out sex – or shorten it up – as long as you want. Plus, it’s a great practice for gaining some confidence too.
Feeling nervous? Just slip a blindfold over their head. They don’t need to see what you’re doing.
Show, Not Tell
If you’re still getting not comfortable with the verbal aspects of femdom, consider this fun cheat:
Show, Not Tell.
By using a dildo/sex toy/cylindrical object, you can force your kink partner to watch you stroke that dildo. They’re then expected to follow the exact motions, pace, and movements that you’re doing with the dildo.
Not only does this eliminate a lot of the need for bossy talking (but toss some in if you want to eventually get comfortable with it all!), but the visual of watching you stroke a dildo of your own can definitely be masturbation fodder for a lot of submissives.
So it’s a win-win.
My big tip here: Unlike verbal commands, you may need to be a bit more repetitive during this type of JOI. As it will take the submissive a few strokes to really “catch up” when you’re doing this show and tell, sticking with strokes for a bit longer before swapping it up keeps the game fun instead of overwhelmingly complicated.
If you’re the type of person who enjoys playing with orgasm edging, you’ll also want to swap to verbal commands as your sub gets close to orgasm. The few-stroke-delay when on the edge of orgasm is likely to cause an accidental release – or an intentionally ruined orgasm. It’s up to you.
Get What YOU Want
It’s easy for JOI scenes to focus entirely on the submissive, receiving partner.
Depending on how intimate you are with this partner – and whether this is a casual play session – this can start to get aggravating over time – and even build resentment towards the kink itself.
If you’re spending an hour every week simply ensuring that he gets off and has a great time – and you don’t feel like the energy is reciprocated, this is the type of issue that causes many femdoms to feel turned off by femdom and kink – and give it up entirely.
So when you’re thinking about how to give JOI, make sure that you’re getting something out of the experience.
Do you find it hot that they’ll do humiliating things for a few strokes? Is that fulfilling enough for you?
Or do you find the mental energy of planning and executing JOI to be draining without much benefit to yourself?
Remember: this is always something you can negotiate and discuss with your partner to ensure you get something out of it. Maybe they need to send videos that align with your kink interests. Maybe the next play session needs to focus on the kinks you have. Maybe you both need to add more of your fetish/kink interests into a JOI to make it fun for you.
Or, especially for in-person play, maybe you simply need to tell them that they have to hold a sex toy, give you oral sex, or use their hands on you while simultaneously giving them the JOI to pleasure themselves.
Whatever makes it fun for you, make sure you’re getting it. This is the type of kink that can easily lead to femdom burnout for a lot of dommes. It can feel like a whole lot of mental energy going into an activity that provides minimal benefit to the domme, so make sure you’re getting some sort of reciprocation to make it worth it – even if it’s trading scenes later down the line.
(Remember: femdom is “female dominant”. That means you’re in charge! While negotiation and compromise are the base of any partnership – power exchange or otherwise – if you feel like you’re spending all of your “femdom” time simply serving someone else without benefit to yourself, it might be time to change things!)
Foreplay On Yourself First
I find that I get more comfortable with my femdom persona if I’m horny.
TMI, but it’s true.
If that’s the case for you, consider fitting in some pleasurable activities for you before you jump straight into the JOI scene. As jerk off instruction scenes don’t really provide much sensation to the instruction-giver, this might mean oral sex ahead of time – or even pre-game masturbation for yourself to get into “the zone”.
And if it makes sense for what you want, continue to pleasure yourself throughout the scene while giving the instructions too. It can help you keep your energy level high.
If Uninspired, Look for Options
“Stroke up and down” can get a bit….blase after awhile.
If you’re feeling a bit uninspired about your JOI, consider looking up some inspiration to get your ideas flowing.
This can be as simple as watching JOI porn videos and seeing some of their suggestions – or getting some ideas from CockHero porn videos (this is actually a thing, and really, you should look it up. The world of penis stroking gets weirdly creative sometimes.)
If that isn’t the way your inspiration factory rolls, consider lounging around and fantasizing about jerk off instruction scenes. When you think about how to give JOI, do you think about a specific activity? A specific scenario? Maybe JOI at home feels a bit tired to you – but giving JOI in a car while you both are trying to be discreet tugs at your heartstrings?
Add Toys
When you’re thinking about how to give JOI, you might be focused on the hands.
But remember: there’s a whole world of sex toys out there you can “force” your submissive to use.
I am very, very partial to giving JOI for my submissive to thrust into a sex doll. The visual is really hot for me, and I enjoy a lot of the humiliation I can toss into it. But really, the visual of desperate grinding is really hot; I never get to see those same angles when he’s on top of me, so it’s a whole bounty of deliciousness.
Remember: penis vibrators, penis strokers, and sex dolls can spice up your jerk off instructions play. Sex furniture, like the Liberator Top Dog or Liberator On a Mission can hold strokers in place, too, for hands-free pleasure while you bark out instructions for them to follow.
Or maybe you want to watch them hump a wand massager inside of a pillowcase.
Honestly, the world is your oyster.
But if you find that the idea of doing hands-only isn’t doing it for you, don’t forget about other additions to the play.
How to Give JOI Scene Ideas
Okay, that’s fine and dandy, but let’s be real: you want some concrete ideas for how to give JOI. Ask and you shall receive:
- Prohibit touching the shaft – and only allow testicle tugging or vulva stroking.
- Give them a song to stroke their cock to the beat.
- Make them sing a nursery rhyme while they stroke off. (Okay, you can tell I have a flair for humiliation.)
- Use their non-dominant hand for a bit
- Require them to do something with fine motor control with their non-dominant hand (like a twisting motion) and watch them struggle
- Stand in front of the mirror and watch themselves
- Record themselves jerking off and get at least 5 different angles to show you
- Countdown to cum: count down from a number (5, 10, 20, etc.) with the expectation that they orgasm on command when you hit zero
- Grind against or hump the bed/couch/floor instead of using their hands
- Change their positions: standing, sitting, squatting
- Use an online-controlled sex toy to (literally) do all of the sensation for them. Take control of the toy for full control – though be aware this may not be a good fit for all JOI kinksters.
Don’t forget to involve some of their (or your!) other kinks into JOI as well. How to give JOI while focusing on additional kinks:
- Make them stand and wear their sexiest heels in order to stroke. Feel free to draw out the session to tax their leg strength and enjoy a double struggle.
- Make them wear specific lingerie or other items before the session
- Add small penis humiliation insults – or force them to use just a few fingers to “accentuate” their small size
- Make them go at a hard and fast pace to a quick orgasm to feed a premature ejaculation fetish
- Require them to wear their material fetish items (latex, rubber, etc.) or rub against an item of that material during their JOI session
- Force them to insert a butt plug before their session – or take advantage of a sex toy mount and a dildo to force them to “ride” a dildo while they obey your jerk off instructions
- If it’s in-person play, feel free to strap-on a dildo with a thigh harness and force them to ride that dildo while giving all of these jerk off instructions
- Partner JOI with reduced sensations with condoms, numbing cream, and numbing agents. Humiliate them for their inability to get off despite the fact that you gave them permission
- Add in taunts about how they’re going straight into the chastity cage when they’re done – and then follow through. (This chastity cage scene can be a good fit here!)
- Make this JOI the “final” reward for weeks/days/months of orgasm denial.
- Add some “predicament” fun by only allowing the JOI to continue while they’re in some form of discomfort. This may be kneeling on rice – or forcing them to hold a squat position. This could even be sitting on an acupuncture pad.
- Spread your own legs and talk up the fact that they only get their own hand – because they’re unworthy of having anything between your legs. This is a fantastic fit for cuckolding fantasies.
Final Thoughts on JOI
Just remember: jerk off instructions are exactly what you make of them – and that’s not a bad thing!
You can be as domineering as you want. You can be as gentle as you want. You can make them do activities that you find hot. You can deny orgasms. You can rush them to orgasm so you can get back to watching TV. As long as it fits within the negotiated consent framework you both have, the world is, essentially, your oyster!
So if something feels weird or you don’t like it, don’t do it. If it’s your partner’s “absolute favorite thing”, have a discussion about what the two of you can do to make it feel more pleasant for you – and something you’ll want to do.
And if something feels amazing, feel free to keep doing that – because as with all things femdom, the end goal is that you, the “female dominant”, are the one in charge. Even if all of the fun is focused on your partner’s genitals, remember: it’s supposed to be all about what you want to do to those genitals.
Happy scening!
(Feature Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash)
Updated: January 2024, May 2023, March 2023, January 2023.
