Did someone mention the idea of an “ignore kink” to you – and you went searching? Well, welcome! Let me walk you through the magic of an ignoring kink. We’ll talk about what it is, why people are into it, potential safety concerns, and I’ll give you some easy ways to give it a try for the first time.
What is an Ignore Kink?
Despite not being listed on your average BDSM test, an Ignore Kink is relatively straightforward. Someone gets turned on (or simply experiences some happy, floaty feelings) by being ignored by their partner.
It’s important to note that kinksters with an ignore kink want to be actively ignored.
Most people into an ignore kink prefer their partner to be an active participant in the activity of ignoring them. It’s hard to explain the nuance, but while people with an ignore kink love to be ignored, they want to know that their partner is actively trying to ignore them.
It’s a bit like a lot of things in kink. If your partner commanded you to masturbate every day but didn’t seem to pay any attention (or care, at all!) about whether you followed their command or not, you likely wouldn’t get much fulfillment out of it. You’d probably even be more upset if you stopped following their instructions, and they never even noticed.
However, if your partner commanded you to masturbate every day but required you to do it in their presence while they scrolled and texted on their phone, you still feel part of a “kinky scene” – even if that scene involves actively not caring about what you’re doing.
Because there’s so much nuance involved in an ignore kink, it can be really hard to do with online play. Webcams can help, but this kink tends to stay firmly within the realm of in-person play.
With the rise of popularity of the “free use” kink, the lines between an ignore kink and a free use kink can get a bit blurred.
(I plan on writing an article about free use at some point, but as a quick synopsis, those into free use are turned on by the idea that anyone’s body is available for sex at any given moment – especially during traditionally “not sexy” times. They’re into the idea feeling aroused and being able to simply “solve it” within seconds with the nearest person to them while recipient of that interest continues to go about the activity they were already doing.
For example, in the free use kink world, someone with a penis might feel horny, and they’ll go slide inside their girlfriend who’s playing a video game. In the free use universe, she keeps playing her video game. In free use scenarios, she may eventually “come around” to her arousal and become an active, moaning, wants-it-now participant in the sex. In the ignore kink universe, she would probably yawn, yell at the video game as if he wasn’t there, and potentially roll her eyes as he continued to have sex with her.)
Why Do People Have an Ignoring Kink?
A lot of ignoring kinks can trace straight back to submission and superiority. After all, it’s pretty easy to feel subservient and “less than” if someone is entirely ignoring you!
Ignoring kinks also relate back to humiliation for a lot of people. We all know the humiliating sting of rejection, but in this case, that rejection is eroticized. Putting yourself out there as a play partner and simply getting relegated to the “I don’t really want to deal with you but sure, whatever” category can be hot for people with an ignore kink.
Some people simply also love the taboo aspect of an ignore kink. You’re not really “supposed to” masturbate in the center of the living room while your partner plays video games and ignores you. In most of our societies, that’s considered pretty rude (and potentially a consent violation), but an ignore kink lets you play with it safely.
Others may have an ingrained love for the kink due to formative experiences in their lives. A previous partner may have agreed to sex while they weren’t in the mood – but only under the agreement that they could play on their phone or continue browsing the internet. A previous partner may have loved giving blowjobs while the fetishist was busy with work and unable to pay attention to the blowjob giver – and they both found that hot.
Ignore Kink Risk Factors
As ignoring someone has virtually no physical safety concerns, you’re good on that front.
However, ignoring someone can feel bad mentally. Even if someone wants it when they’re aroused, they may feel bad about it afterward. Especially for kinksters who are new to accepting their ignore fetish or may have low self-esteem, the after-scene shame over the kink can feel overwhelming.
I highly, highly recommend lots of reassuring aftercare after playing with an ignoring kink. Time should be taken to reassure the ignored partner that they actually are important to you (in whatever way is realistic for your dynamic), and that you had a great time interacting with them in such a unique way. Especially for people who are new to accepting their ignore kink, make sure to make space for talking about why you enjoyed it and why it felt fun for you.
How Do I Do an Ignore Kink?
If you’ve never done an ignore kink scene before, it can seem a bit confusing. You’re supposed to ignore someone…but not too much? How exactly do you build a scene with another human being that’s built around pretending the human being isn’t even there?!?!
Yeah, exactly. Don’t worry. I got you. Here are some of the easiest ways to start explore an ignore kink for beginners:
- Human Furniture. Human furniture is a natural fit for an ignore kink. Simply pretend your partner is a piece of furniture. Common beginner-friendly human furniture ideas include a lamp, a coat rack, a toilet paper holder, an ashtray, a foot rest, or a table. The idea is that you “interact” with your “furniture”/ignored partner to provide their specific function, but you otherwise pretend they don’t exist.
- Human Servitude. Especially if the idea of trying to actively ignore your partner seems difficult, I’d recommend an activity that puts the ignore fetish partner in a subservient role. They can be your server at dinner, during drinks, or while taking a bath. This lets you treat them as an object to enhance your experience without necessarily putting the ignore kink at the forefront.
- Human Photo Prop. Especially if you like taking sexy selfies or making explicit content to share online, this can be a fun one to play with. Turn the ignore kink partner into a human prop to take photos with. This may include requiring them to get hard/wet for intercourse, or it may include putting them into specific outfits or lingerie to take pictures near. During the scene, use your hands and words to command them into different positions and activities without really explaining what’s going on. Simply treat them like they’re a human dildo/Fleshlight/prop that you’d be using for your photos.
- Pampering Services. How would you behave if you went to the hair dresser or masseuse while a looming deadline mean you couldn’t be off your phone? You’d probably mostly ignore them while you dealt with the phone in your hands. Take that same idea to your ignore kink scene. Require the ignore kink partner to give you a foot rub, brush your hair, rub your back (or anything else!) while enjoying the sensations (maybe a few pleasured sounds here or there!) but while otherwise occupied with whatever you’d like (closing your eyes, playing on your cell phone, watching TV, etc.)
- Try Pet Play. Some aspects of pet play can really lend themselves well to an ignore kink. After all, you kinda “ignore kink” your biological animals on a daily basis. They’re there, and around, and doing their thing, but you’re mostly not really paying attention. Take that same vibe to a pet play scene. Let them lay on the couch while you absentmindedly stroke their hair and ignore them. Take them out for a “walk” while you talk on the phone with your friend and basically pretend they don’t exist.
- Require Them to Get Extravagant. While you’ll want to be careful with this one (and ensure they’re comfortable in their ignore kink first!), this can be a lot of fun. Simply require them to put in a lot of effort for your upcoming scene. This may include body hair removal, special lotion routines, complicated clothing, pulling together a gigantic list of toys, and anything else you want. When the scene comes around, make it a basic ignore kink scene where they’ve clearly put all of this effort in to be effectively ignored. For kinksters who are really comfortable with their ignore fetish, this can be extremely hot foreplay. If the idea of entirely ignoring them isn’t doing it for you, put them in bondage and command them to “earn” your attention while you do a different, unrelated task. Whether they earn your attention, in the end, is entirely up to you.
- Distracted Oral Sex. One of the biggest ignore kink tropes is distracted oral sex. The receiving partner simply plays on their phone while the partner with an ignore kink provides oral sex. You can up the humiliation by watching porn on your phone or device as your ignored bottom does all of the work. A few off-handed comments about “Wow, I wish I could experience how good that feels” can really dig in the degradation.
- Ignored Masturbation. Is your ignore kink fetishist horny – and you’re really not? Turn it into a simple scene by commanding them to masturbate (potentially in the way you like to watch!) while continuing to do whatever you were doing anyway. For us, this looks like dragging a Liberator BonBon into the center of the living room where he’ll ride a dildo and enjoy himself while I simultaneously just play video games and give him an occasional glance.
- Human Dildo/Human Fleshlight. One of the most simple ways (but clearly very sexual ways) to explore an ignore kink is with intercourse. Even some otherwise non-kinky people have a kink for this one! Simply use your ignore kink partner as if they were a sex toy for your pleasure. Enjoy the type of sex you want without regard to whether it’s their preferred method. (Obviously, don’t ignore consent or boundaries but there are definitely sex positions my partner prefers and I’ll compromise on versus the tempo and positions I would prefer if given my way.) You can also ignore their orgasm entirely to add on a bit of orgasm denial if the idea of “getting yours” without regard to them sounds hot.
Update: February 2025, January 2025, November 2024.
