Instead of using cuffs or rope, mental bondage in BDSM uses verbal commands. A person may be commanded to “keep their hands above their head”. They may be told to “stand in the corner” or “stand with your left leg off the ground”. In any of those circumstances, there is no physical binding them requiring them to do the activity – but since they’ve been commanded to do so, this becomes its own form of bondage: mental bondage in BDSM.
Mental bondage, in all its forms, is the backbone of all types of kinky play. Truly “inescapable” bondage is rare. Especially when you’re starting out, even if you have cuffs or rope or saran wrap, the bound partner may be able to wriggle out if they made an effort.
Mental bondage is part of a lot of kinks – even if it isn’t a discussion that was had ahead of time. When you’re doing activities that may not otherwise include bondage (like spanking), you may not be cuffed – but you’re expected to stay in place for the spanking. The same can be said for a multitude of other kink activities – even if an explicit command is never given.
Chastity is a great example. As I tell newbies to chastity play, “if your chastity is entirely inescapable, you’re doing it wrong”. This is because emergency keys should always be easily accessible to the wearer. If the wearer wanted, they could always ignore their dominant’s commands and unlock themselves. Chastity has always been a game of mental bondage in addition to the physical aspects.
Some other reasons why mental bondage in BDSM can be A+:
- It requires no equipment. No budget? No problem.
- It requires no equipment. Traveling or forgot your gear? No problem.
- It can be fantastic for people who are interested in bondage – but a trauma response is making physical restraints difficult. Since verbal bondage is instantly escapable and less likely to provide a triggering response, it can be a great way to experience bondage.
- The risk profile is beautifully empty. The likelihood of someone hurting themselves or their nerves is a lot smaller than with physical restraints – especially if you’re new to things.
- Mental bondage can become a trial of self-control – and even a fight against one’s own body in pursuit of pleasing their partner. That, in itself, sounds pretty hot to me.
Mental bondage in BDSM is JUST as valid as using restraints and gear. Unfortunately, some parts of the kink community (partially because of capitalism) have really glamorized having a 30-piece kink set or you’re “not really doing bondage”.
Mental bondage is real bondage – and it is just as effective as collars, cuffs, rope, or anything else. It just depends on what you need or want.
If the bondage-wearer loves the feel of “straining against” something or being snugly held in place, mental bondage isn’t necessarily going to be a great fit. However, if the bondage-wearer wants to feel “owned” or “absorbed” in the task of pleasing their partner, mental bondage can actually be better than using traditional restraints.
How to Explore Mental Bondage in BDSM?
I hope a few of the examples provided already have your mental gears turning; the ways to use mental bondage are, genuinely, limitless. If someone can hold that position, it can be part of your mental bondage play. (“I’m a Little Teapot” position? Yep, that’s doable!)
If you want to be a little less weird about it, though, here are some beginner-friendly suggestions to try mental bondage in the bedroom for the first time:
- Command your partner to stand with their back up against the wall while you do what you’d like to them. If you’re into punishments, designate a specific part to “stay” on the wall or else they’ll face punishment.
- Use painter’s tape to mark a spot on the bed for their ankle or hand to rest while they’re laying down. Command them to keep their hand there, or you’ll stop what you’re doing.
- Require your partner to stand near a weight-bearing handle (shower curtain, towel rack, bondage point from the ceiling, top of the door, pillar as I show in the header picture, etc.). Require them to grip that item – and not let go – until you’ve provided permission.
- Pull your partner over your knee for an over-the-knee spanking. Demand their stomach/hips stay connected to your legs at all times – even on particularly hard swats that make them want to jump up.
- Lay your partner down on their tummy. Direct them to keep one calf and one ankle off the bed at all times. Enjoy the rest of your scene, keeping an eye on that upright limb.
As you can see, while you have your submissive “bound” in mental bondage, you really can do any kink to them. It isn’t limited to “only” impact play or “only” intercourse. That’s the magic of mental bondage; it literally fits in with everything, costs nothing, and can be done in seconds. It’s kinda great.
Why Do I Love Mental Bondage in BDSM?
As a lot of prolific kink educators do, I have a metric buttload of bondage restraints. I have bondage restraints for, virtually, everything – including a bunch of specialized positions and uses.
Still, I regularly use mental bondage in BDSM within my bedroom. I’d say it’s, surprisingly, actually pretty regular for me. We pull out cuffs sometimes, but a good 25% of my play usually doesn’t involve physical restraints at all.
Some of this is laziness. When I want to play, I want to play – and I don’t necessarily want to go play “fetch all of my gear” before I play. Using mental bondage shortcuts any delays when I want things NOW.
A lot of this, however, is because I genuinely prefer mental bondage. I find the self-control aspects to be extremely hot. My partner isn’t staying put because they’re under lock and key; they’re staying put because they have nowhere else they’d rather be.
My partner isn’t staying put during a difficult spanking because it isn’t painful; they’re staying put because their need to please me outweighs their avoidance of pain. Yum. That’s hot.
I’m especially fond of the “mental bondage” required to do orgasm control and orgasm denial. Chastity cages can be hot, but the idea that my partner has to learn self-control and resist constant temptation is definitely hotter. Making my partner watch porn, like interactive VR porn, while they’re forced to stay still and avoid touching themselves despite all of the sexual tension is A+ play for me.
Mental bondage can also be really fun for other kinks. A tickling scene is extra fun if they want to flail around – but they’re forced to try to stay still or face punishment. An edging scene becomes extra erotic if they’re forced to avoid touching themselves – even if they’re just a fingertip’s length away from touching. Teasing and worship scenes get all new life if all they’d have to do is tilt their head forward to be between my legs – but they’re been told not to or they risk losing the privilege of being there altogether.
Don’t get me wrong: I love the visual of a collar or restraints on my partner’s body, but I’m honestly glad that I was introduced to mental bondage in BDSM as a young kinkster because it’s a vital part of my toolbox too.
I hope it becomes a vital part of yours too.
Is There Another Meaning for Mental Bondage in BDSM?
Some people online have taken the term “mental bondage in BDSM” to mean feeling mentally “bound” to your partner and your dynamic in a relationship sense. Instead of being part of a discussion about bondage, this alternative meaning becomes a discussion about power exchange dynamics – and whether feeling “inescapable” from a power exchange dynamic is a good or bad thing.
(We’re not talking about abuse here – just talking about a person’s complete lack of desire to leave or change their circumstances.)
Updated: February 2024, July 2023, June 2023.
