Does femdom appeal to you – but does the idea of being responsible for an entirely separate human (in addition to work, your house, your family, and maybe even your kids) sound exhausting? Yeah, I get you. But you can have easy femdom (well, mostly easy. You do have to make some decisions!); it’s all about how you structure your female dominant relationship!
I’m not going to say I have it all figured out. There are definitely still days when I find myself telling my submissive to “do what he wants”. Sometimes, the decision fatigue (and the heaviness of everyday life) really is a killer.
But on the off-days when I’m a little run-down, some of these tips have really, really helped me continue our femdom dynamic – even in the face of our busy, never-ending lives:
Easy Femdom Trick #1: Require Limited Options
A gigantic list of options is exhausting. Depending on how busy I am, I honestly start tuning out halfway through, and that’s really not in the spirit of listening to my partner talk. But really, the dreaded “What do you want for dinner, Mistress?” is a serious problem in our household (and we regularly laugh about how silly that is, too).
But he’s a serious foodie – and I find eating to be somewhat annoying. So the conversation generally goes like this:
Him: What would you like for dinner, Mistress?
Me: I don’t know. What are the options?
Him: Okay, well, there’s Jim’s – which has really amazing bacon. Or we could just be lazy and stay local by going to Bob’s Diner – oh, the eggs are good there. And Jessica’s is a little bit of a drive, but I know you love their pancakes, and that’s open. And let me check the hours for Jamie’s; I know we’ve been wanting to go there. And…
You can see how it can get overwhelming. In a magical world, I’d have enough mental bandwidth to listen, judge, and pick from all of the options, but in the real world, it’s too much information in a short period of time.
And then, even if I do pick one, I, the ultimate, most-domme-ly person in our relationship, worry that I’ve chosen “wrong” for the person who actually has strong opinions about dinner. Which makes me even more hesitant to choose from a long list of options.
Instead, we’ve swapped over to: “What are your top 3 options?”
This does two really helpful things:
- It lets me know what’s actually important to him. As I’m the person who would happily eat the exact same salad every night and be happy about it, this lets me ensure that I’m taking his happiness into the decision-making process – especially since this aspect of living means so much to him.
- It narrows things down to a very small, manageable list. Three options? I can manage to choose from three options. Usually, once the three options are presented, I’m clearly leaning towards one option, and it’s a simple choice. Much less exhausting!
Since it’s still a list, I still get to make a final decision and be “in charge” of our relationship. At the same time, it’s much easier to manage and ensures that he gets a bit of a say in the final selection.
While this is my go-to option for figuring out food, you can use it for pretty much anything – like what TV show you’re watching tonight, the paint colors for the garage entryway, what porn you’re watching tonight (fetish stuff, redhead onlyfans, or something else?), what brand of chips to buy, what activity to go to tonight, and more.
Easy Femdom Trick #2: Require Honest Communication
In any relationship, there are choices neither of you really cares about and choices that one of you really cares about. Take, for example, what shoes he wears to dinner. I really could not care less. He, on the other hand, probably cares about the comfort of his feet, how well it goes with his outfit, and how those shoes make him feel.
Your power exchange interactions are a little bit like that.
Sometimes, the domme forcefully making a choice about something is really important to the sub. Maybe the submissive really wants the domme to choose exactly what happens in their BDSM scene – or simply what impact play toys they’re going to use tonight. Or maybe the submissive really doesn’t care today, and they’re just happy to have their ass beat in whatever form feels awesome to the domme.
But as a domme, without knowing the difference between the two, we can’t really know where to put our energy. In a world where decision fatigue is real by the time we make it through our 9-to-5, knowing which decisions matter – and which ones don’t – can help a ton.
That’s why I recommend starting to train your submissive to be open and honest about when a Domme-made decision is important to them.
Ideally, we want the submissive to speak up when they want their “domme” to make that choice all domme-ly like. AND we want to be at a point in this process where the domme can assume that the presentation isn’t important to the submissive when the submissive doesn’t speak up about it.
The exact verbiage of what this looks like may look different for every couple. Some couples might find that the exact words “Mistress, I’d really like you to make a decision for me on this.” sounds too demanding or formal to them.
Some other examples:
- “I’m at your command, Queen”
- “I’ll do anything you wish, Ma’am”
- “This beta is here to serve”
- “I don’t know why, but it’s important to me that you make this choice for me.”
- “I think it’s really fucking hot that you’re going to tell me what to do on this – and I’m going to have to obey you.”
- “All of the options are equal to me. Let me know what works best for you.”
- “Banana”
As long as you both know it’s the codeword, you can use pretty much anything you want. In our household, it looks something like: “Mistress, I would really feel best if I do what’s right for you.”
All that being said: we’re all human. Sometimes your submissive may not realize that it was important for you to make the decision until all is said and done. Try to be forgiving with one another as you iron out the kinks and figure out what’s important to you both.
Easy Femdom Trick #3: Use Routines
Honestly, routines are the building blocks of busy life. I’m not sure how I’d get anything done without my routines.
When I realized how vital they were to my life flow and workflow, I started adding them to our dynamic as well.
A routine can be added to virtually anything to remove the need for you to remember and command it. It also reduces a lot of the back-and-forth communication about everyday life.
After all, if the submissive always handwashes the Domme’s lingerie, there’s no need for a discussion about who is going to do it. If the Domme already knows that the sub will take care of cleaning the toys, doing enemas, and gathering lube, there’s no need to put any mental energy toward it when she says “I want to peg tonight”.
Really, you can use this easy femdom trick for virtually anything:
- After your submissive finishes lunch on the weekends, they will go work out.
- On Sundays, your submissive will vacuum the house. On Sunday, after you finish your weekly journaling, you will check their work.
- On their way home from work, your submissive will bring you coffee. (I am very guilty of 5pm coffee.)
- On Thursdays, you both set aside 6pm through 8pm for some sort of bonding activity. If no one has any specific requests, you both default to an impact play scene that ends in intercourse or pegging.
- When you both get home from work, you will both go to the gym as long as no one is injured or sick.
- If you haven’t decreed what’s for dinner that night, they’ll pick up a specific dinner on their way home from work.
- If you are doing a specific activity, there are a separate set of parameters they are to follow. (i.e. If I’m reading, you are given free rein to take care of all biological needs without permission.)
- On Tuesday evenings and Friday evenings after work, you both meet together in the shower before making dinner to remove, wash, stroke, and refasten the chastity cage. This could even turn into a chastity scene ritual all on its own.
- On Monday evenings, you “celebrate” Monday by having two hours of high protocol where they wear their kink gear and you both follow a separate set of rules. On particularly rough Mondays, this is allowed to be rescheduled to Tuesday.
- If you both are going out to drink as a couple, the submissive drives and only has one beer so that the Domme may enjoy themselves.
- If the Domme mentions a plan for anal play, the submissive is expected to show up to that “appointment” with cleansing enemas already completed.
I also recommend adding a separate routine to “check” their work.
If you simply put them on a ton of routines and never actually check in, you can build resentment. Nobody wants to do the dishes for their sexy femdom every day with no acknowledgement. Maybe your routine says that you’ll go check the dishes for completion when you get up for a mid-evening snack.
Easy Femdom Trick #4: Keep a Running List
Is there a whole list of things you’d want your submissive to do – but by the time things roll around, you’re too exhausted to command all of it?
Simply make a running list of all of those things!
This can be as household or un-household as you want. Your easy femdom list might look something like this:
- Ensure the dishes are clean and put away
- Wear your high heels and ensure you get at least 500 steps
- Insert the largest plug you own and wear it for anal stretching purposes for at least 10 minutes
- Pick out a matching set of lingerie with all the accessories for our next photoshoot
- Handwash both of our lingerie in the handwash pile
- If you haven’t gone to the gym today and you haven’t just eaten, go get in a 15-minute workout
- Read at least 30 minutes of the book I’ve assigned you to read
- Get an hour of video game time in with the game you’ve been wanting to play
- Check my heels near the front door and shine any of them that need a touch-up
- Go through all of the perishable food in the fridge and ensure nothing needs to be tossed
Then, simply make it part of your submissive’s life. Simply command that anytime they have more than “X” amount of time, they need to be doing something from the list. You can make the list progressive (go from top to bottom) or simply let them choose which activity they’d like to do.
For mental health, I’d say you want that number to be at least 2 hours – which gives the submissive their own free time for anything under 2 hours. If they have more than 2 hours of free time to themselves, though, they’ll need to pick something off the list to do.
Easy Femdom Trick #5: Make Your Own Scene Outlines
Think of this as “premaking” your own scenes.
When you have energy (maybe you’re horny, maybe you’re mid-masturbation?), jot down simple scene outlines for future-you. This can be as basic – or as complex – as you want it to be. Whatever future-you needs to craft a kink scene is what you need to do.
In the future, when the idea of coming up with a full creative scene sounds too hard, simply reference the outlines you’ve already made and make one of those come to life!
Mine look as simple as:
- Use new stoker toy with him while watching porn movie gift
- JOI on a sex doll while in VR
- Headset-playing curated porn selection while he gets a handjob
Use my BDSM Scene Outlines!
As a final note, I want to remind you that I do have a small (and growing!) collection of flushed-out BDSM Scenes, Step-by-Step. Each one takes you through what you need to gather, how long you need, what you’ll do, safety concerns, and what you’ll say.
If you end up liking one of those, you already have some pretty simple, easy inspiration for making a scene come to life when you’re otherwise too tired for decision-making. It’s a win-win.
