Findom, short for “financial domination”, is one of those kinks with a whoooooole lot of controversy. Focused on the exchange of your national currency, a money kink finds participants exchanging cash to fulfill some of their deeper control fantasies.
All of the negativity surrounding money kinks is unfortunate because findom really is an amazing kink if you’re into it.
Do you know how much power money has? Even outside of sex and kink, think about the sheer power of money. Everyone in most capitalistic societies has to have at least some of it in order to even live. Almost all of the things you want to add to your life require it in some form. It’s literally important enough to most people in capitalistic societies that they agree to exchange the vast majority of the hours in their week for more of it.
It’s powerful stuff!
Then let’s add in the gender disparity. The wage gap is still open wide and shows no signs of changing (in the US) – which means women earn noticeably less than their male coworkers – even for the same job. Less than 10% of women are CEOs (and many high-earning careers are overwhelmingly male). And even if you get an amazing job, if you have children, the expectation is still on the female partner (within heterosexual, nuclear families) to take care of both the children and hold a full job.
Between the inherent power in money itself and the gender disparity in who can easily earn it, it becomes a bit easier to see how money can become a tool in the power exchange toolbox – if everyone is into it.
I’m not going to lie: I have a money kink. I absolutely love it. For me, personally, it’s about the exchange of time. Receiving money from a partner is a direct reflection of the time he spent at work. If he gives me $20, it’s a direct reflection of the $20’s worth of time he spent at a place he’d rather not be – in order to offer me all the fruits of his labor.
Really, in its own roundabout way, it feels almost like wrapping my dominatrix tendrils around his work – and making all of his working hours become a reflection of his devotion to me. Which feels extremely hot in its own way. (Intrigued? FindomWebsites.com offers even more in-depth articles about the appeal of findom kinks.)
However, discussions about findom inside of romantic, committed relationships (like my own relationship) instead of pay-for-play relationships are surprisingly rare. Neither set-up is better or worse than the other, but different things come into play when you and your partner may share a home (and finances!) in the first place.
So, let me walk you through some of my tips to play with findom in the course of your own, romantic, committed relationship.
Findom Without Exchanging Finances
In case the physical “currency” is what’s tripping you up, let’s start off by talking about ways to play with findom concepts without exchanging the same currency your local bank uses. For a lot of people, the idea of exchanging actual money can be a weird grey area they aren’t comfortable with – and that’s okay! Instead, consider some of these workarounds that let you play with femdom concepts – without taking some of that national currency to yourself:
Use Fake Money: Instead of using your national currency, get some play money from the store! You can get as creative as you want with this (including making your own “femdom bucks”) or just picking up a pack of $1 fakes from the toy aisle on most stores.
Now, create your own economy. It’s easier to do than you’d think. Your sub can earn an allowance (if you want), or your sub can earn some of the cash when they complete chores or activities. You can even get real sultry about it and force them to put on strip-shows or sex shows for you to stuff the dollar bills into their skivvies. It’s all on you.
If you want to make this a real mental clusterfuck, you can “spend” the faux cash as a payment to your sub for an instant chore completion. So, if you pay them $5 faux cash, they’re required to get up and do the dishwasher – now.
Now, when using this system within money kink tropes, it becomes a double-whammy. Not only are you demanding the cash from them that he already worked for, but that same cash you demand will be the same cash you use to “pay” them to do the activities you want them to do. This fixation on so much effort/work can add a nice mental backdrop to the cash “draining” as they’re aware that every dollar they give was a dollar earned – but it’s also a dollar you’ll use to make them do more things.
Make Up Your Own Currency: Different than using a faux money substitute, I want you to think about what activities can become “currency” in your own home. For example, if orgasm denial is part of your dynamic, the sub’s orgasms are now a new money kink currency. Just like the paper stuff, they’d probably prefer to not forego orgasms it can be helped.
Now, play with that. Treat orgasms like their own currency. Give them a monthly allotment (if you want) and watch as they’re “forced” to give them to you. Or avoid the monthly allotment altogether and take away their orgasms on-the-fly as it comes up.
For example, trading orgasms could quickly become a findom option for fulfilling a blackmail kink. The sub has to agree to forego orgasm while the Domme teases them to oblivion – or else the Domme will “tell their loved ones” about whatever terribly dirty details you have on them. Now she can “extract” the orgasms she wants and deny all the ones she doesn’t within this consensual “blackmail fetish” framework.
Make the Sub Buy Their Own Gifts: I love spoiling my subs. Honestly, for the most part, I tend to buy their gifts with my own money – and love seeing their happy faces when they open or use their gifts.
However, I’ve found that my habit for spoiling can become a really lovely way for me to integrate my findom kink with my love for spoiling my sub – and this one works perfectly with a sissification or forced feminization kink.
This, technically, uses your local currency, but I find none of the same “guilt” as taking money from my partner because all of the resulting items are for them, so I’m including it in this category.
I put my sub in lots of bondage – and sit them on the couch. I leave their eyes open (no blindfolds) and their clothes on (with that delicious wallet in their pocket). Then I set up my laptop’s HDMI cord to run to the TV, and I open up a shopping site that has items intended for them.
I find this works amazingly with feminization/sissification stuff – which is how I tend to use it. I’ll head over to a male lingerie website and start shopping for them. There’s lots of teasing about how cute they’ll look in it and lots of waffling back-and-forth about what items I’d want to see them in. (Honestly, really, I sometimes can’t decide.) Depending on how long I want to draw this out, it can be a good 30-minutes to an hour while he’s forced to watch as I essentially play dress-up-doll with his future body while shopping.
In the end, I’ll make a show of fetching his wallet out of his pockets, tossing the discarded wallet on his lap as I pull out the credit card, and placing the order with his card.
You could also, easily, do this with anyone’s kink outside of feminization: new kink toys that work with their kink, new BDSM gags, new dildos, new sex toys, new collars, new bondage items, etc.
I get all of the fun of shopping, they get some nice, new things, and we both get some toys/clothes/items we get to play with in a few days when they arrive. Plus, we both got to indulge in our money kink!
Using Cash for Findom
Of course, some of the appeal of the financial domination kink is the cash itself. It’s impossible to ignore all of the societal implications we’ve wrapped up in money – like power and success. It’s also impossible to ignore the capitalism that only exists with money. Bartering will only get you so far towards buying a name-brand pair of shoes.
So, if you and your partner want to play with exchanging cash with findom in your romantic relationship, consider some of these tips:
Have a Serious Discussion: Every relationship therapist out there will tell you: money is one of the big “fight” topics in almost every relationship out there. Just because you’re playing with financial domination doesn’t make you immune to those concerns; it actually highlights a lot of them. Even if the play is hot as hell, it’s very possible for regret or resentment to seep in during the unaroused moments, and that can erode your relationship and your dynamic – especially if you both have a “joint” income stream for your life together.
That’s why it’s important to negotiate prior to using real money for any financial domination. There are a whole lot of factors in play here that can make for future problems. A disparity in work income, work hours, living standard expectations, and more can lead to relationship issues.
So, sit down and discuss various aspects about using the same money you use for living as a prop for your money kink too:
- How will you communicate if something is becoming a problem?
- Are there aspects about the sub’s life that must be untouchable? For example, do they require a to-go lunch at work in order to keep their sanity the rest of the work day?
- What are ways that the sub “shows” that they wants to be be fully drained that day?
- What does the Domme find most fulfilling about financial domination?
- What does the sub find most fulfilling about financial domination?
- (If you both find different things fulfilling, you might find it best to modify your findom activities to focus on making it fulfilling for the both of you – not just to drain the largest amount of cash possible if that isn’t the end goal for either of you.)
- What will the Domme be doing with the cash?
- Is there anything the Domme can’t do with the cash?
- (For example, if you both have previously agreed that you don’t need to buy a new 70″ TV for your home during non-sexual discussions, is the Domme allowed to use findom draining money to make that happen – or will that end up feeling like undermining the non-kink aspects of your relationship?)
This negotiation doesn’t necessarily need to involve hard numbers – but I recommend discussing the hard numbers if it won’t ruin some of the fantasy for you.
Understand The Sub’s Finances: Presumably, if you’re both in a romantic relationship, the Domme doesn’t want the sub to be penniless or homeless any more than the sub wants to be. Use this to your advantage by having an open, honest discussion about finances and bills. Sit down and understand all of the bills that the sub needs to pay – as well as their general expenditure on a month-to-month average. Track this for two months to really get a good idea of what’s “normal” and what “isn’t”.
Now that you have a good idea of their finances, you know best where to squeeze and when to stop. Let’s say they require exactly $960 in order to pay all of their bills. If they go out to lunch at work every day like they enjoy, though, they need $1,230. Now, if you want to “demand” that extra $200, you know it won’t come out of their bills; it will come out of their discretionary eating out fund – and that can help bring the “being drained until it affects my life” aspect of findom to life without ever touching living expenses.
As an added benefit, this level of exploration can also be fantastic for budgeting and financial planning too – if you want to get both done at the same time.
Use Physical Cash – and Low Denominations: Experts have been talking about our warped views on “money” when using credit cards for years now, and it’s just as true during your findom scenes. Handling cash – and physically handing it over – is likely to feel more impactful than handing over a credit card for an expected financial amount.
So, pull out physical cash – and use low denominations. “Low” might be $1 bills – or $20 bills – depending on your dynamic and cash flow. If your finances only allow you to hand over $20 for the day, handing over 4 five dollar bills will allow you to draw out the play much more than a single $20.
Keeping the amounts low lets you draw out the play while still experiencing the fun of “handing over” cash time and time again.
(If your financial domination is brought on by arousal of “my Domme has the power to drain all of my money if she chooses”, though, you may prefer to stick with the credit cards sometimes.)
Agree to Uses For Any Money: You two may agree that any “financial domination” money must be used for the benefit of your household. For some, this may get in the way of the “spoiling the Domme” dynamic that they’re looking for, but for other couples, this may be a perfect fit to ensure neither partner feels uncomfortable or resentful about the money that’s being spent during play.
Remember, though: the definition of “benefit of the household” can be extremely fluid. For example, a new sound system for the living room is technically a benefit to everyone – but the sub may not have prioritized the money being spent in that way. Same with any household appliances, technology upgrades, cooking/baking items, interior design options, household services, etc. So, while this can seem like it takes some of the control away from the Domme, it definitely doesn’t have to – it just depends on what the two of you negotiate!
Use Some for Retirement: Hey, I’m nothing if not a practical Domme. That’s where this can really come in handy. There’s only so much “stuff” a person needs. Presumably, if this is a lifelong kink for either of you – and your relationship has been going on for years now – spending the findom money on new items may start to feel more stifling than fun as all of the items pile up.
However, if you want to start making things a bit more practical for the two of you, I recommend putting some of that cash away for retirement. This can be a 401K – or it can be investing it into the stock market. It can be placing it into a Savings account for something large you both are saving for (a house) or simply putting it into Savings until the financial whiz of the two of you (even if it isn’t the Domme) gets around to investing it where it would work the hardest.
This way, you both get the fun of enjoying your money kink – but simultaneously, you’re actually securing finances for your future too. It’s a win-win!
Control the Finances: If it works for your dynamic, the two of you can agree that the Domme is the controller of all finances – and the submissive needs to earn their allowance. While this approach automates a lot of the financial exchanges, it also can remove some of the constant back-and-forth that makes financial domination so hot – so play wisely.
However, with the Domme in control of the finances, it’s easy to dole out more (or less) of the sub’s own money based upon their behavior. This also lends itself really well to a lot of begging because of the power dynamic – like when a sub may want to go out with friends but has already used up their allowance.
It just depends on what you and your partner get out of the money kink – and whether lots of active draining sessions is a vital part of things for you.
