UPDATE MAY 2023: Thi sex game is no longer in production. It is, however, available in a new iteration with a similar premise. This review remains for anyone who is curious about it. While you’re here, why not check out some additional educational info – like online submissive tasks, beginner pegging positions, saran wrap bondage, and enema 101 info.
The Touch Me Erotic Massage Game is a game sold by Good Vibrations. It is intended for two adult players although you could play it with other sexually open friends if you modified the rules slightly. It includes 54 total cards which are split into 3 different “types”. It also includes a small rule booklet that gives you the instructions to play the game. It all comes packaged in a box that is the size of two-regular card boxes put together. It’s pink and has the game name written all over it, so it isn’t exactly discreet.
The instructions for this game are definitely not what I was expecting in the slightest. I’ve played quite a few different sex games, and none of them were quite like this. It’s a game of “Memory”. You go through three different rounds of the game, attempting to match up cards while alternating flipping the card over and seeing what’s written on the other side. When all three rounds are complete, you pick cards from your matches – one from each theme – and the other partner does those massage techniques on you. I didn’t see it being that interesting of a game when I first read the instructions, but it did end up being amusing enough. It only lasted for a couple of playthroughs before we got a little bored of waiting for the other person to match up their massage technique cards. The game itself took about ten minutes to play all the way through all three rounds.
So how would make this a more-than-two game? Well, for one, I’d definitely recommend getting an even number of possible. When you have that, you can split yourselves into two teams while you take turns between the teams to try and match the cards. When you are done, one team can give massages to the other team or both teams can take the winner’s ideas and do them to other people in their team. Just do whatever works best for the group of you.
Don’t worry if you aren’t good at the game of Memory. It won’t really matter. While there are 54 cards, each “theme” of cards only has 18 cards. This means that there are only nine different matches in all of the cards in each theme.
The three different themes are three different intensities of massage. The first theme is “Warm-Up”, the second theme is “That Feels Really, Really Good”, and the third theme is “Hot and Full-Blow Heat”. As you can imagine, in each theme, the massage techniques get progressively more sexual and less teasing. The cards themselves are made from regular cardboard that’s been laminated, so they don’t feel as strong or as sturdy as playing cards from the store, but they do hold their own. They are also twice the size of a regular playing card – they are about four inches tall and three inches wide.
The different themes are distinguished by different colors on the back – yellow, orange, and red. The front side just gives the title of the massage technique in big, bold letters then the details of the method in regular text beneath it.
The massage techniques themselves aren’t exactly amazing, but they aren’t horrible. It’s a large mixture of bad puns which is the problem. Of the six sentences that make up a technique, there are four telling bad puns of why you should do it, and two telling you what exactly you’re supposed to be doing. It’s slightly annoying. However, there are definitely a decent amount of variance in the cards that make it amusing to play more than once.
So, of course, you nosy people want to know what type of massage techniques you are getting into:
Yellow/Warm-Up Example: “Morse Code Massage: The type of percussion massage technique clearly sends the right message. Group your fingers together and lightly tap and glide along your lover’s shoulders, back, and buttocks. Turn them over and do the inner thighs and legs. Apply enough oil that your ‘taps and glides’ flow seamlessly from one area of your partner’s body to the next. Imagine that you are playing a bongo rum … and mix in a few soft ‘flat hand’ percussion slaps, or an occasional ‘run’ chopping percussion moves with the sides of your hands. Now return to the dash and dots of the Morse Code Massage. The only SOS will be for more!”
Orange/That-Feels-Really-Really-Good-Massage Example: “Anticipation: Anticipation is the key to a great erotic massage. At this level, use your hands to gentle knead and stroke your partner’s body. Make them wonder and anticipate where your hands will travel next. Touch and tease. Let the excitement slowly build as you use circle strokes which spiral endlessly or strokes that fan out as they glide up his or her body from the ankles to the hips. Move upwards and downwards toward uncharted territory, softly stroking and stretching your lover’s skin in ways they couldn’t have imagined, but now anticipate with longing and excitement.”
Red/Hot-and-Full-Blown-Heat Massage Example: “The Cock Will Grow, The Cock Will Grow: Yes, we are talking about the penis…the ol’ woodie, Willy Wanker, and the Cream Factory. They all love erotic massage. As the “giver”, lie down beside your male partner, or sit or kneel between his open legs, or straddle his body with access to his penis. Make sure he is well-lubricated. Use a firm grip on the shaft of the penis, beginning with an over-all slow and steady up and down stroke. As he becomes more erect use one hand to hold the base and testicles while the other hand gently circles or twists the tip just below the coronal ridge. For most men,t he real hot spot is the sexually sensitive underside of the penis, or the coronal ridge itself. Learn his penis, what it loves, and stay in tune with his responses right to the finish.”
So, now you know what to expect. It’s not a bad game, but it’s a bit odd and turns me off at times. (Willy Wanker? Seriously?) It’s a fun game to play if the two of you enjoy wanting to give each other massages in new and exciting ways. However, the bad puns and badly-written cards get annoying at times. This Touch Me Erotic Massage Game for Couples is available at this adult toy store.
