If you weren’t born with a penis, the idea of wielding one of your own might be absolutely terrifying. It makes sense: you’ve gone your entire life without thrusting with a penis and now you have to start with a rapt audience that has expectations! That’d give anyone performance anxiety – no wonder it makes tons of strap-on wielders and femdoms nervous!
I don’t want you to be too filled with anxiety to do the activities you want to do though – not when there are steps we can take to make it less terrifying.
So, let’s do it. Let’s talk about some of the best strap-on tips for overcoming performance anxiety. You got this.
Practice Humping and Grinding
Don’t have a strap-on harness yet? Anxious about putting one on? You can actually practice the motion of thrusting without needing the strap-on kit, and it comes in the form of grinding.
No matter what genitals you have, the motion of grinding your penis or clitoris into a firm surface underneath you is surprisingly similar to thrusting during penetration. This can make it an easy (and free!) way to get familiar and comfortable with movements before strapping on the harness and dildo. (Click here for some pretty neat dildos!)
Laying on your tummy, place a rolled up pillow or your hand underneath your body. (A sex toy to grind against can work too!) Lay on top of it, and practice pushing your own genitals into that firm surface.
For a lot of people, this can be pleasurable enough to orgasm from. If you’re in that camp, go right ahead!
This pleasure-focused solo safe space also gives you some time to experiment. Pay attention to how you roll your hips in order to get the right motion and pressure onto yourself. Notice how the core activates for a rolling of the hips instead of a straight up-and-down motion. Find what movements feel comfortable for you, and practice them until they stop feeling so foreign.
Especially if it’s orgasmic for you, this can be a great experiment to repeat, time and time again, to get used to the movement of wielding a strap-on.
Put It On Ahead of Time
Yeah, I know: it sounds really hot to put on that strap-on harness and dildo for the first time in front of your partner and be the dildo-wielding goddess you were always meant to be.
But, uh, yeah. That’s not usually how learning a new skill tends to go, unfortunately.
Just like how you aren’t going to put on a pair of skis and go down the hardest mountains on your first day, you’re unlikely to put on a strap-on harness and dildo for the first time and feel like a practiced pro.
Remember: for people who were born with a penis, they likely spent years practicing the movements and motions via masturbation long before they ever had a first partner. It’s entirely normal to need to familiarize yourself with a hanging wang off your hips before it starts to feel like “you”.
Instead, put on your strap-on harness and dildo ahead of time. Wear them around the house. Do chores with them on. Stand, lay, kneel, and see how it feels to move around with it on.
If you’re feeling particularly motivated on your fact-finding mission, get creative with some masturbation while wearing the pegging harness and dildo. Wrap your hand around its shaft and practice stroking it, pushing the base of the dildo into your clitoris (if you have one). See if there are movements or strokes that make it feel orgasmic. You can take this information and add it to strap-on sex to help make the activity more orgasmic for you.
If you have a penis stroking sleeve lying around or wanted to pick one up on the cheap, you can also practicing humping the penis stroker. (If you lube both toys, they’ll slide into each other okay. It slides even better if you put a condom on the strap-on dildo first.) Place the stroker between couch cushions for a pseudo “hands free sex toys” experience before sliding your own dildo into it. See how it feels to thrust in and out with the dildo and get used to wielding it.
Between these first two steps, I promise, you’ll already be feeling MUCH more comfortable with your strap-on harness and dildo.
Next, Talk to Your Partner
Does your partner know that you’re nervous about doing strap-on play? It’s 100% totally normal. Sex is all about vulnerability in its various forms, and honestly, if you’re too afraid of their reaction to talk to them about how you’re feeling, you may want to have some deep conversations about your relationship before you jump into any kind of sex!
During your conversation, try to nail down why you feel nervous. What is giving you strap-on performance anxiety?
Once you’ve nailed that down, both of you can brainstorm some ideas to help alleviate some of that strap-on performance anxiety.
If you’re worried you’ll hurt them, you can both agree to go slowly with lots of verbal check-ins. You might also agree to hand-hold a dildo ahead of time, stretching out the receiving partner to make the strap-on dildo an easier fit.
If you’re worried you’ll look ugly in the harness, you can buy a new strap-on harness that helps you feel sexy. You can also dress up your harness with lingerie you feel sexy in, or pre-wear that harness near your partner with the prior request that they say every compliment that comes to mind.
If you’re worried you won’t be able to make them feel good, both of you can discuss an after strap-on-sex plan that involves a way for them to feel good outside of the strap-on sex. You can also discuss things you can do during the strap-on sex to make sure they feel good. Would having strapon sex on top of a vibrator ensure you both have a better time?
If you’re worried it won’t feel good for YOU, come up with that same plan and swap it around to focus on you. Do you want pleasure and orgasms before you strap-on a harness? Afterwards? Do you want a “guarantee” that they’ll pull out your favorite vibrator afterwards if you don’t orgasm to make sure you still have a good time?
If you’re worried about looking stupid with how you thrust, consider taking a passive role during these first strap-on encounters. Go with “Cowgirl” sex positions that require your receiving partner to do all of the riding while you get used to it all. You call the shots on the strap-on sex positions, leading your receiving partner to positions that you know will feel more comfortable for you.
There are lots of things the two of you can agree to try together to help alleviate some of your nerves and concerns. That’s what open communication is supposed to be about: making sure you both can have a great time even if someone’s nervous.
Try a Blindfold
You’ve practiced and talked to your partner. You’re putting those ideas into practice, and now it’s time for the main event.
Might I recommend a blindfold?
It’s surprisingly cheap and really surprisingly effective! Not only does it make your partner wait in delicious anticipation, but it also means they can’t see you. This gives you time to fiddle around with your harness and get comfortably in place without worrying about looking “silly” in front of your partner.
If you want to spice it up with femdom elements, have at it. Tell them how they don’t “deserve to see you if you’re going to offer so much pleasure for them”. Intentionally wear a sexy outfit you love – and point out that they haven’t earned the right to look at you in it as you put the blindfold on them.
This can really help you feel more comfortable with the whole experience, I promise.
Keep Experimenting
I’m going to be honest with you; your first strap-on sex experiences are probably not going to be your most fluid experiences. You’re learning a new skill. Just like falling on your ass on the ski slopes, you’re probably going to metaphorically “fall on your ass” a few times when you pull on your harness.
The important thing, if you enjoy the idea of strap-on sex, is just to keep going. Keep practicing. After you’ve done this a handful of times, some of the performance anxiety will lighten up. After you’ve kept going past that, you might even find yourself feeling somewhat comfortable with the experience.
I promise, the anxiety gets better the more often you do it. The biggest hurdle is simply trying it for the first few times.
