Playing with a stranger has some serious safety concerns. BDSM is generally regarded as a large exercise in trust – trust that someone will respect your limits, untie you when you’re done, never hurt you more than you can take, will respect your body, and so forth.
Playing with a stranger certainly changes that into more of a hopeful wish. There’s no established trust to lean on. You need to be extra careful.
Your biggest risk mitigation tool you have for BDSM with a stranger is negotiation. This has some pretty impressive benefits:
- You’ll avoid doing things you don’t want to do. All of this is supposed to be about having a good time. Negotiating ahead of time ensures you both have things in the scene you’re really excited and interested in doing.
- You’ll figure out if you’re compatible. There’s no point in meeting up if they want to do toilet play – and that’s a “hell no” from you. Keep from wasting your time by figuring out what it is you want to do in case you’re incompatible.
- You’ll have a quick “get out of there” methodology. If you specifically say you don’t want to do bondage, if someone brings rope or cuffs to your meet-up, you already know they don’t plan on abiding by your limits. This can be a quick way to get your ass out of there.
- You’ll have a better time. By talking about what you both do and don’t want to do, you aren’t guessing at everything when you meet up. This can make things more enjoyable for everybody involved.
- You’ll actually have the gear you need. BDSM can be done without gear, but the gear can be part of the fun for many. By knowing what you plan on doing, you can actually bring the gear you need instead of being caught short.
- It shows a willingness to ensure you have a great time. The negotiation itself is a litmus test. If someone refuses to negotiate, it’s not very likely that they’re interested in making sure you have a good time. Do you want to play with someone like that?
While I highly recommend you do this long before the day you both are meeting up to play (and just doing a quick run-through of anything that’s changed before the scene itself), this negotiation can be done in any way you’re comfortable: e-mail, phone call, text message, video, or in-person.
This list is written for all – tops or bottoms, switches, Dominants, submissives, men, female, non-binary, etc. Disregard any questions that don’t make sense for your particular scenario, but keep in mind it can be pretty important to understand a top’s limitations as well. If they have a severe sensitivity to the smell of coffee you were entirely unaware of, showing up to play after a Venti coffee might ruin a good chunk of their experience.
Where Will You Be Playing?
This is the first question in your negotiation arsenal – and it’s one of the most important. If you’ve never met this person before in your life, you’d be safest playing at a local play party.
Inherent in a lot of kink play is restraint or impact play. Both of those things have the potential to go very, very wrong if your other partner isn’t exactly who they portrayed themselves as. Whether it’s a submissive who goes into a seizure from an undisclosed medical problem or a dominant who won’t respect a safeword and is hurting you, both of these scenarios can have very-real consequences.
If you play at a play party, most dungeons have “house” safe words. If you scream “red” and your partner doesn’t stop, bystanders are encouraged to step in and stop the scene. While this doesn’t eliminate the dangers of playing with a stranger, it’s a great secondary safety net.
In some big cities, kink dungeons can occasionally be rented as well. Especially if they have on-site staff that can be nearby in an emergency, this is a good secondary option.
Other places the two of you can meet include:
- One another’s home
- A hotel room
- A safe outdoor area
As you notice, though, these other spaces are very private – and that can be dangerous if you don’t know someone. There’s no one around to step in if things go further than you’re comfortable.
I highly, highly recommend meeting up for lunch or coffee somewhere before going straight to a private space for play. Not only can this help you figure out if they’re safe, but the meet up itself is a litmus test. Are they entirely unwilling to even meet up for lunch – showing that they’re not even serious enough to make sure you’re comfortable? If someone isn’t serious enough to ensure you’re comfortable, they may take that same mindset to your play.
Don’t forget about the “privacy” results of the location you choose. If you play at a home, someone may have your address now. If you play at a hotel, ensure nothing shows your name (like those newfangled “concierge” TVs). If you’re found at a mall together, will someone recognize you and use your name?
As always, your safety should come long before any fun. Use all the common sense you can manage.
Don’t forget to think about the location’s accessibility as well. It’s important that both of you be able to comfortably access whatever spot you agree to.
What Are Your Safewords?
Everyone in a BDSM scene needs to know the safeword.
This is a word that, if stated, means that all action needs to stop instantly. Many play parties use the standard stoplight system: “green” for “loving it”, yellow for “Maybe a bit too much”, or “Red” for “Stop!”. If “Red” is spoken in a dungeon and the action doesn’t cease, bystanders can, and will, step in. This adds a layer of protection for you.
Even with private play, however, to avoid miscommunication, agreeing upon a safeword ensures that there’s absolutely no confusion when one of the people in the scene wants things to stop. Anyone can say “Oh, no, sir, not another orgasm, please!” without a potential miscommunication.
What Do They Hate? What Are Their Limits?
This seems simple enough, but a lot of people will forget to tackle this when the alternative is talking about what turns someone on. You also need to know what turns them off or makes them super uncomfortable.
How much bodily contact are they interested in? Are there things that they’re not comfortable doing with a stranger, or will find an instant turn-off?
Consider some of the basics – such as restraint or spankings – but don’t forget to think about pet names either. Some people will find “Slut” to be a huge turn-on – while others will Safeword if spoken to like that.
There’s no point in doing things your partner finds to be a turn-off, so when you’re running down the gameplan for your scene, make sure they’re into everything that’s on the table.
What Do They Love or Really Want to Get Out of the Play Session?
What does your potential partner love? Find out their favorite kinks – and what they like about them. Make sure to listen closely, and try to find similarities to things you enjoy. You want both of you to come out of this arrangement satisfied.
Once you have their general favorite kinks, consider asking about this play session is general. Have they been really craving a pegging session? Maybe they’ve been wanting to be bound spreadeagle for the past week? Find out what they’re currently craving or what they had in mind for this particular scene.
You don’t have to write out an outline, complete with scene entrances and dirty talk, but a general overview ensures you both have the same ideas in mind.
How Do They Want to Feel?
Going for extra credit in your scene negotiation?
If so, I recommend talking about how you both want to feel during your session. A spanking scene intended to cause “fear” will feel very different than a spanking scene intended to make you feel loved or relaxed.
The exact same activities can feel entirely different based on what vibe you’re going for. While this is an advanced negotiation question, it might be worth asking if you want your scene to feel as fulfilling as possible.
Do They Have Any Previous Physical Injuries or Limitations?
Especially for restraint or rope bondage, knowing about someone’s physical limitations is important. Do they have weak knees that might make kneeling a problem? Does their collarbone hurt with any weight placed upon it? Do they have any internal metal bone replacements that might be problematic for electrosex play? Is there a bruise on their thigh that’s still healing? Are they diabetic and may need to stop play to stabilize their blood sugar? Do they have a new tattoo or got a bit banged up at Crossfit on Monday?
I recommend going down the body, top to bottom, to catalog every area of the body for any potential issues or cautions.
Especially if you both are brand new to one another, I highly, highly, highly recommend keeping bondage off the table if there are any physical or health condition limitations. (Y’know, like most of us out there.)
Even if your strange play partner has the best intentions, it can be easy to forget about the bad knees of a person you just met 15 minutes ago. Even if negotiations are made as thoroughly as possible, it’s likely you both will forget to disclose things – and the time to find out this highly-allergic stranger just got stung by a bee that snuck into the room is NOT when they need their epinephrine, hidden deep in a zippered pouch within the 10 pocket bag they brought.
Who would have thought that a bee would have been in a hotel room?! It probably never even crossed either of your minds.
Do They Have Any Mental “Limitations”?
While this can be a delicate subject to approach, it’s important to do it. Something like “Are there any activities that might upset you?” can work.
Some people have had negative experiences with certain activities (such as a riding crop that brings up bad memories or even the simple sound of an electrosex device being turned on) while other things may simply just be upsetting (such as years of negative memories of specific words or phrases).
Most people have triggers to something, and knowing what will trigger your partner can make or break a scene. If it’s as simple as avoiding certain words or ensuring you never touch their neck, why wouldn’t you do it?
If someone discloses any triggers, you need to ask the follow-up question too: what would be helpful for YOU to do if it happens? Mid panic attack, some people just want to be left alone. Others would like someone to talk about anything other than the panic attack. Some just need you to play on your phone, pretending it isn’t happening, to keep them from panicking even further that they’re ruining your night.
Make sure you have a good idea of how to handle any unexpected triggers that may pop up during your play.
Any Allergies?
Find out if your newfound play partner has any allergies. Having nuts for lunch before meeting up can be downright dangerous if your new play partner has a life-threatening allergy to nuts. Some people with celiac disease can experience painful side effects to body contact with someone who’s wearing a body lotion with gluten in it.
Sensitivities can matter here too. Does someone get headaches with perfumes? Is the smell of mint a gigantic turn-off?
Any Aftercare Requests or Preferences?
How you come down is just as important as how the scene went. Some people are going to want to be cuddled. Others may prefer that you sit down and discuss how things went – while others just want a blanket and a snack while they rest for a bit.
Discuss what you both enjoy and make sure to find a middle ground you can both work with. If one partner wants the other person to leave right after the scene, you’re going to be surprised when the other wants cuddling.
It goes without saying, but make sure you both leave time for aftercare when your scene has ended too.
Regardless of what methods you choose, unless your partner specifically requests otherwise, a quick call or text to check-in the next day is always considered polite.
What Toys Will Be Required? Who Will Bring Them?
By now, you’ve discussed what the general scene will look like, so now it’s time to think about what items this will require – and who will bring them.
Some people, especially for sex toys used for penetration, prefer to use their own favorites instead of worrying about whether they’ll enjoy someone else’s. Some dominants are attached to a favorite pair of restraints or nipple clamps.
Don’t forget to discuss the cleanliness of those toys too. If someone is bringing their dildo, make sure you both discuss – and agree – to what steps (if any) you’ll take to make sure that dildo is safe for use between the two of you. Most people don’t have the funds to go out and buy brand new toys every time they have a new scene planned. (You’ll be surprised to find that many dungeons keep their own autoclaves and sterilizing gear right on site, though!)
One quick fix? Have everyone within the scene agree to bring the toys that will be used on themselves. A bottom can bring a mouth gag that they expect the top to use on them. A dominant can bring their own vibrator that they’ll “demand” their submissive use on them.
Not only does this ensure that the person receiving the toy will enjoy what’s used on them, but it also ensures the toys are cleaned to the recipient’s risk profile.
What Are the Sexual Limitations – if Any? How Will We Navigate Those Safely?
When playing with a stranger, you have no idea whether they consider “sex” to be a non-issue they hadn’t thought about – or the eventual way they’ll want to end the scene. Some people consider eventual sex and orgasm to be the whole point of BDSM while others consider BDSM to be as separate as tea and coffee are.
You need to bring this up.
Are certain sexual activities okay but not others? What protection will be required, and who will be bringing that protection? Maybe you’re okay with hands-only pleasure, but you’d like your partner to use gloves. Maybe you’re unsure if you’re comfortable with that – and it’s okay to say “I’m not sure I’ll want to do that, but I’ll bring a condom just in case”. It’s better to be overprepared than underprepared.
Most Importantly, Have a Good Time!
I hope those questions helped start you on the right path for playing with a stranger – but of course, the list isn’t exhaustive by any means. Nobody wants to spend 3 hours in negotiation for a 45 minute scene, and a lot of that information might end up being useless for someone you’ll never see again.
These questions should help you get to the bottom of what’s important for play sessions.
Originally Published: February 17, 2017.
Updated: May 2024, May 2023.
