BDSM Scenes, Step-by-Step: Spreader Bar for an Exhaustion Scene

Welcome to another edition of my “BDSM Scenes Step by Step” series – an exhaustion scene that uses a spreader bar! Born out of the desire to help other Doms/Dommes/Tops gain easy inspiration to run a scene, this series focuses on giving you everything you need to know to complete a kinky scene with your partner – from start to finish. 

When I first started doing kink, I remember being absolutely terrified by the idea of running a scene. I had to plan for every single contingency under the planet?!?! What was I supposed to say? What if I forgot to grab something ahead of time and looked like an idiot during the scene? What should I do next?! I knew what I wanted to do, in general, (like “some cool bondage”!), but the actual specifics of the scene felt daunting – and it kept me from trying out a lot of things because I was worried about not knowing what I was doing.

So, that’s what these BDSM scene outlines are for. As a companion to my BDSM advice and femdom advice, these scene outlines can provide everything you need to get started on doing a scene of your own. It includes the basics of the scene, why you both might enjoy it, how to prep for it, any safety concerns you need, some dirty talk inspirations, and how to go through it all – step-by-step.

Remember, though: these BDSM outlines are designed for YOU. If you don’t like something, change it. If you want to add something else, add it. These are just easy frameworks to give you a springboard into drafting your own BDSM scene. You’re not “stuck” to the plan; let the plan give you the confidence you need to branch into your own dominant headspace.

So, let’s get into this BDSM exhaustion scene that uses a spreader bar to push your bottom’s muscle strength to its limits – all for the top’s entertainment.

This Scene Is…

A short, taxing exhaustion scene that can be easily modified into anything you have in mind – whether that’s punishment, pleasure-based, humiliation, objectification, or even a fun form of entertainment for a large group of people. It’s entirely up to you!

Your partner will be forced to hold liquids (in containers) steady while bound in a spreader bar. Spilling of the liquids is undesired. As the scene goes longer, the likelihood of spilling gets even higher as their stabilizing muscles and focus wears down.

This scene should not be attempted by anyone who has poor balance – at least without some safety precautions in place! (See “Cautions” below!)

What You Need

• Spreader bar (Mine is the Fetdom Spreader Bar)
• At least two cuffs for your spreader bar – and a way to fasten them onto the spreader bar

Optional Items You Might Want

Essentially, you’ll want to have anything you want to use during the scene. You’ll likely discover the exact items you have in mind as you think about prep. Some suggestions:

• Vibrators or favorite sex toys
• Feathers
• Spanking implements
• Coats or other objects to “hang” on your partner

Household Things You Need to Have

• Cups – preferably plastic ones that don’t shatter when crashing to the ground
• Liquid – preferably water to ensure no damage to your floors
• Towels – to clean up the water that comes crashing to the floor

How Long Does it Take?

The time commitment required for this scene really varies on how much time you want to put into it. You can go “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am” through this scene and have it done within 20 minutes. If you’re going for a hard-and-fast punishment, that might be entirely your intention.

On the other hand, if you take your time, draw out the anticipation, and continually tease your bottom, this scene can go from 45 minutes to an hour – and possibly longer depending on the bottom’s arm strength and balance.

For the most part, the bottom’s shoulder and arm strength will be the deciding factor on how long a lot of this lasts, but you certainly could leave them strung up in their spreader bar position for other types of play after they’re unable to hold the cups anymore.

So, as always, how long this exhaustion scene takes is up to you! I’d plan for at least an hour to ensure you have the flexibility to do what you want with it all.

How Do You Prep for an Exhaustion Scene?

There are two big things you need to do to mentally prep for this BDSM exhaustion scene before you start:

Figure Out Your Partner’s Play Level: This is one of those scenes where everyone won’t (and shouldn’t, for everybody’s safety and enjoyment) play at the same “level”. Something too easy is bound to be boring, and something too difficult is going to be over before you really get a chance to dive into the tease and embarrassment of the scene.

I recommend testing your partner’s balance ahead of time – if you don’t know where they’re already at. Consider having them stand on one leg in front of you – or see how they perform with a spreader bar in an unrelated scene. Use the “Cautions” and “Modifications” section below to figure out the best placement – and safety additions – to ensure your partner is appropriately challenged – and safe – while doing this scene.

Figure Out the Scene’s Intention: This scene is really a “whiteboard” that you can draw your own intentions on. This means that this scene can go hundreds of different ways depending on how you want to play it. What this means for you, dear Top, is that you now need to figure out which way you really want to “play” it. Will your bDSM exhaustion scene:

• Be an endurance test purely to watch them go to the brink of muscle failure in their devotion to you?
• Be a great centerpiece of entertainment at a kink party while everyone talks around them?
• Be a punishment for a previous transgression?
• Be a way to force them to mentally multi-task as you constantly do new things to their body – and force them to answer questions about the sensations as you do?
• Be a testament to their bodily control as you tickle them – and otherwise see if you can get them to spill the liquids?
• Become predicament bondage where you only allow them sexual pleasure – but as long as a drop of that liquid doesn’t spill?
• Become part of a multi-faceted bondage scene where you expect struggling to be kept to a minimum – and want to ensure it stays that way?
• Be a vital part of a humiliation scene for your new “table” – which seems pretty incompetent at being able to do the simplest task of holding water?
• Become a fully distracting part of your cuckolding scene – where your ignored cuckold is only allowed to watch as long as the liquid doesn’t spill – so they have to frustratingly distract themselves from the fantasy in front of them in order to babysit some water?

Essentially, the world is your oyster with this exhaustion scene, and you’ll want to figure out where you want to go with it before diving into it. I’ve provided the physical suggestions/ideas to use with this – but the tone and intention will really turn this simple physical sensation into part of a short, multi-faceted scene.

Aside from those two things, you’ll just want to make a safe space in your home and figure out where you want to do the scene – and compile all of the additional accessories you need to make the scene fit into the niche you have planned for it.

Step-by-Step Instructions

There are a couple of ways to carry out this exhaustion scene – but each way relies on a spreader bar. I recommend reading the “modifications” and “cautions” sections to figure out where and how you’d like to place the spreader bar and position your partner. For the purposes of this example, we’re going to assume the person is standing with the spreader bar around their wrists, but please, read both sections and decide which fit is going to be best for you and your partner.

1. I recommend having the spreader bar, play toys, cuffs, and cups nearby – but not in visible sight. This way they will be a surprise when you pull them out. So, the first step is hiding your items near your play area.
2. After deciding where you’ll be doing this scene, put your partner into the area. If this is a punishment, this can be as simple as commanding them to stand in the corner. If this is for play, you can make it sensual – or playful – as you command them to stand where you want them. A collar and leash could be used to “lead” them into your perfect spot too!
3. Command them (or physically force them, depending on your play style) to get into the position you want. This could be kneeling, standing, or sitting. (See Modifications below to decide what you’d like.)
4. If you’ll be using a chest harness to attach to a ceiling point for safety, now is the time to tie or slip on the chest harness. Your bottom will have no idea where the scene is going, so doing this step now doesn’t spoil anything.
5. Now, pull out the spreader bar to much fanfare. Feel free to play this up with quite a few lines of dirty talk about how good or bad they are – or how much you want to see them suffer (or challenge them). It’s all about what your scene is designed to elicit.
6. Command them (or physically force them, if that’s your scene dynamic) to hold their arms out to the sides, parallel to the ground. This will put their arms in prime position for the spreader bar.
7. If you’d like to tease them, stand back and watch them for awhile – silently – while they just keep their arms held out while nothing is happening. Verbally chastise them if their arms attempt to fall down – or if their perfectly-straight line starts to falter.
8. While their arms are held up, take your time putting on the cuffs. First one hand – then the other. Feel free to use sensation play toys along the exposed skin while you’re moving between the two spots. You can hang the double-ended clips (or carabiners) from the cuffs right now, but if you want to keep where this is going a surprise, feel free to wait on those.
9. Continue your teasing to your heart’s content.
10. Whenever you’re ready, pull out the spreader bar from its hiding place. You can expect their eyes to go a bit wide – especially if their arms are already a bit tired from your teasing.
11. Getting the spreader bar onto your partner can vary depending on your height differences and how you prefer to do this. I like to stand behind them, snuggle up close, and press the front of my body firmly against the back of their body – while the spreader bar is trapped between our bodies horizontally. This will “hold” it in place while I get the cuffs and connect them to each side. You may also prefer to hold the spreader bar with one hand while you use your second hand to connect the spreader bar to the cuffs. It’s up to you!
12. By now, if you’ve drawn this out, you could easily have spent 30-45 minutes just on setting this exhaustion scene up. It’s all about how you want to do things.
13. Now that your partner is bound in the spreader bar with their arms hung out to the side, you have some downtime to play with them. You can use them sexually, do some impact play, add more bondage implements, attach nipple clamps, or anything else you want to do.
14. When you’re ready to move on, make a show of pulling out the cups – then filling them with water or other liquid. You can make this as showy as you want or even trick them if you want to increase their mental anguish. (For example, before you started the scene, you will have put water into an opaque milk jug in the fridge. Now, when you pull out that milk jug, they will assume it has milk in it. Pour the liquid with your back turned to them. As long as your cups are opaque, it will be hard for them to see inside the cups when they’re holding them, so they’ll be under the assumption that they’ll be spilling milk if they spill. This can be a great mindfuck if you’re at their place or you use something sadistic like a red colored drink.)
15. Now pick up one cup, head to your partner, and use your free hand to force their hand palm-up. You can now place the cup into their open palm. You can have them hold it with a flat hand (so no fingers to help support the cup) which will spill easier – or allow them to curl their fingers around the cup. Either way, verbally remind them of your expectations. I recommend sticking around for a second to ensure they have their balance before you walk away. A new weight in an odd position can take a second to stabilize.
16. Go repeat it with the other cup.
17. Depending on how long you’ve teased them and what you’ve done with them, they may already be exhausted, and this may only last a few minutes. If you haven’t drawn out their arm strength, this can take longer.
18. Think about what your “end goal” for a BDSM exhaustion scene is, and make your activities match.

• Pull up a chair and watch them – and tease them as their muscles shake. This might even involve humiliation about how they “can’t even manage to hold a cup”.
• Stand in front of them and provide a striptease. With their hands occupied, they’re unable to really move or be able to touch you – which can be a very lovely tease.
• Use your favorite impact toys on them.
• Poke and tickle their arms to try to encourage them to drop the cups. Add weight to the cups or intentionally try to get them to fail. Especially if there’s some sort of “reward” on the line, this can be a way to control the outcome.
• Pull out your favorite sex toy – and use it on yourself in front of them. You might even consider reaching orgasm – or intentionally putting on a show – while they’re all helplessly tied up.
• Pull out their favorite sex toy – and use it on them. Enjoy the entertainment as pleasure causes them to jerk around – and potentially enjoy stopping all of the sexual pleasure as soon as one of those tremors causes the cup to spill. Too bad, so sad.

When the cups (or one cup) spills, you can end your scene (with praise or humiliation, your choice), refill the cups, laugh at them, make them hold the position while they’re drenched in water, or you can kiss them and let them know they’ve done a great job pleasing you as you undo their restraints. Those aren’t your only options, but you can see exactly how this exhaustion scene can be really versatile!

Modifications

Every person’s balance is going to be uniquely different – and you should treat it as such. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with modifying this scene to be challenging to your partner – in whatever way, shape, or form that happens to be.

For example, it’s going to be much, much harder for someone to keep their balance if they’re standing upright during this experience – especially if a blindfold is placed on their face. (If you plan to do that, I highly, highly recommend using a sturdy, overhead bondage point on a chest harness to catch them if they lose their balance.)

Here are simple ways to adjust this scene to your bound partner’s balance and strength level:

• Have the bottom kneel with their ass in the air – while you blindfold them
• Have the bottom kneel with their ass in the air – not resting on their feet
• Have the bottom kneel with their ass sitting on their ankles – while you blindfold them
• Have the bottom kneel while their ass is sitting on their ankles
• Have the bottom sit on a chair with wheels – that you might accidentally “bump” once in awhile
• Have the bottom sit on a full, supportive surface like the floor, a couch, or a stable chair

As you make the progression a bit easier, you might find that your bottom’s endurance for this increases. At a certain point, you likely won’t see failure due to losing balance – but it might swap over to arm fatigue. If losing balance is part of the fun for you, consider “distracting” them a bit with pleasure, tickling, etc.

Whatever you choose to do with your exhaustion scene, ensure your partner will not fall. With their hands in the air, catching themselves will be extremely difficult.

Pre-Written Dirty Talk

• You wouldn’t want to disappoint me, would you?
• You spend all of that time in the gym. You can’t hold up a simple cup of water?
• Wouldn’t it be just awful if I was naked right in front of you while you were stuck holding cups of water? How disappointing to be you.
• 100 swats with my stingiest paddle seems like a good start. Tell you what: I’ll remote one of those swats for every minute you manage to hold onto the cups.
• Awww, who’s a good table? I won’t even need to go to Ikea for a table if you keep this up!
• Your little arms are shaking, huh? Next time you’ll think twice before you disobey me.

Cautions!

Watch their Balance: When most of us are falling, we move our hands to brace ourselves. Your partner’s hands are now, very obviously, unable to do that. This means that falling over can be extremely dangerous – and they’re likely going to end up going head first. That’s a giant no-no. There are some ways to prevent that:

• Don’t play beyond a challenging, but manageable, level. The modifications above can make it easier or harder on someone – and if you make it too “easy”, the arms will eventually end up shaking anyway – which will become a new challenge.
• If you have access to a weight-bearing hard point on the ceiling, rig up a chest harness (rope or otherwise) to anchor them to the ceiling. This is my favorite way to reduce head injuries because of a fall during scenes. Add a bit of slack to the line so it isn’t interfering with your scene.
• Play on soft surfaces. Kneeling on a bed can challenge the core muscles even more – and also provide a softer surface when they fall. It still isn’t a pleasant experience to fall face-first with no bracing, though, so try to avoid it.
• Play near a wall – and ensure their center of balance leans towards the wall. It won’t be pleasant to faceplant a few inches into the wall, but it’s much less damaging than hitting the floor with your face.
• Move the spreader bar. Instead of using the spreader bar to bind the wrists, have your partner stand with their feet wide – and bind both ankles to the spreader bar. Now, have the person stand spread eagle – and their non-bound arms still need to keep the beverages stable. In case of emergency, the hands can not be used to brace themselves.

Discuss Anxiety: Some people are particularly triggered by pass/fail exercises – even when they’re done in the name of “fun” during kink scenes. It can ratchet up your small scene to an anxiety-inducing activity where they feel their failure is a personal reflection about their interest in the dynamic. And a scene filled with not-fun anxiety is, expectedly, not very fun.

Instead, consider changing up the “goal” for the scene. Instead of pass/fail, change up the scene’s results based on how long your partner is able to stay balanced. If planning for an impact play scene, the spanking toys can get gentler and gentler the longer your partner lasts. If you both enjoy orgasm denial, the denial period can get shorter and shorter the longer your partner lasts.

This way, there is no pass/fail – just a change in the outcome based on how long your partner is able to hold the position. 

Update: June 2022.