Attend any BDSM 101 class, and one of the first things you’ll learn about is a BDSM safe word. One of the easiest risk-mitigation strategies we have at our disposal, safe words are simple to set up and understand.
So today, let’s give you everything you could possibly want to know about a BDSM safe word or a nonverbal safe word in BDSM.
Why Do We Use a BDSM Safe Word?
First, let’s talk about why we use safe words. Because on the surface, safe words seem kinda stupid when we have the word “no” at our disposal.
But…sometimes, it can be fun to say “no” when you don’t actually mean it.
“No, Sir, please, definitely don’t give me another orgasm!”
“No, Ma’am, no. I don’t want to embarrass myself by taking off my panties!”
Sometimes, the playful resistance is part of the scene. In fact, sometimes, the playful resistance is the scene! There are a lot of super-hot, intense feelings that can come up when you playfully resist and your partner “forces” you to do it anyway. The existence of a safe word is how we can lightly play with consensual non-consent and reenact some of our fantasies while still feeling like we have a way to communicate when things go wrong.
That’s why safe words and nonverbal safe words (aka “safe actions”) are so important. They give us a quick, easy way to say “Hey, dude, Like, for real. No. I actually don’t like this. I’m not being playful.”
This lets all partners in a scene relax. Bottoms know that they have an easy way to communicate if they’re uncomfortable, so they can use playful resistance as much as they’d like. Tops know that their bottom has an easy way to communicate if they’re uncomfortable, so they can hear the word “no” and know that it doesn’t actually mean “no” if it’s accompanied by playful banter and body language.
Even if you, yourself, don’t use playful “force” as part of your scene, it’s vital that you still have a safe word – especially if you play in public spaces. “No”, unless it’s accompanied by very clear body language that supports it, isn’t necessarily going to get a scene interrupted in public spaces. Kinksters are so used to playful non-consent that “no” isn’t taken at face value when watching someone else’s scene.
If, at any point, you are uncomfortable mid-scene at a party and want things to stop, the word “Red” is recognized universally as a safe word, and it WILL get someone nearby to interrupt the scene if your partner doesn’t stop.
It’s also important to note that the word “red” is, literally, much easier for people to say than the word “no”. The idea of saying “no” to someone comes with a host of baggage. You don’t want to disappoint someone, you don’t want to stop what someone else is enjoying, etc. A general safe word (or, the universal one of “red”) doesn’t have the same baggage. While it may technically mean “No, stop”, our monkey brains may not necessarily remember that mid-scene when we need it most, and we may be more comfortable saying “red” than we would saying “no” with all of the societal expectations that “no” carries.
What is a BDSM Safe Word?
A safe word is an unrelated-to-sex word that, essentially, means “stop”.
You can choose whatever word you want. It can be “banana” or “pot” or “cat”. It doesn’t matter what the word is – just that you have a word that essentially communicates “stop” when the word “no” may be misconstrued during a scene.
Your safe word just needs to be:
- Understood and recognized by everyone within the scene
- Easily pronounced by everyone within the scene
- Easily remembered by everyone in the scene
Virtually all kink groups recognize the Stoplight System. That is “Red” is your safe word. It means stop.
However, the Stoplight System is more than just “Red”. If someone says “Yellow”, it means that play is approaching their limits, which gives their partner time to adjust or scale back the intensity of what they’re doing.
And if someone says they’re doing “Green”, this means all signs are go, and you can continue what you’re doing or potentially ramp things up a bit.
This Stoplight system is pretty easy to understand and universally recognized in kink spaces. This means a lot of kinky people just default to “Red” being a safe word.
It’s also important to note: Anyone within a kink scene can use a safe word for any reason.
If you’re having problems communicating that you have a muscle spasm that just won’t quit, you can use your safe word. If you feel a health issue coming on and are having problems making a full sentence to explain yourself, you can use your safe word. If you’re simply uncomfortable with the intensity of the activities or where the scene is going and you’re finding it impossible to get your partner to follow where you’re trying to redirect it to, you can use your safe word.
Tops can safeword. Bottoms can safeword.
The only people who can’t safeword are viewers. If you’re watching a scene that’s upsetting you, please, well, stop watching that scene. Remove yourself from the area and look at something else, remembering that your triggers may be someone else’s playspace.
If you’re at a play party and really, really feel like something is wrong in the scene, do not step in. Notify the party’s Dungeon Monitor or the party’s host. Especially when you’re new, you may not know the dynamics or how people play.
When you do that, a few things may happen.
- The host may be aware that Bob and Julie play very, very intensely, and they’ll let you know this is pretty normal. OR
- If they, in their experienced eyes with more knowledge about the people in question, see an issue. They’ll step in. And they have the power to actually stop the scene without argument.
Nonverbal Safe Words List in BDSM
What happens if you can’t talk? There are lots of reasons why someone may not be able to talk in the middle of a BDSM scene. They may have a gag in their mouth (tips for safe mouth gag play here!). They may have their face shoved up against something that makes enunciating words hard to do. They might be getting over a cold. And if you play at hotel takeovers, you know exactly how loud play party music can be. It can make communication difficult.
Some people also need nonverbal safe words because they simply just…stop talking when they’re really deep into their kinky headspace.
That’s why kinksters also use nonverbal safe words in BDSM. Some people also call these “safe actions”.
They are, effectively, ways to communicate if there’s a problem speaking. Think of noises, movements, lights, and anything else that can be used as a “signal” without using spoken word.
Here’s a nonverbal safe words list to get you started thinking about what options you have.
- A double-tap on the Top’s body
- A squeaky toys held by the Bottom, ready to be squeezed if needed
- A set of keys held by the bottom, ready to be shaken if needed
- A whistle placed in the bottom’s mouth that can be blown if needed. The whistle has to stay in the bottom’s mouth (this becomes useless if it falls out of their mouth and they can’t place it back in.)
- An obnoxiously bright light that a bottom can turn on with a push of a button (think tiny flashlights)
- Requiring the bottom to hold onto an object. If the object drops to the ground, they’re using their nonverbal safe word.
Some people may also do nonverbal check-ins with their bottom. While a safe action or safe word is designed to only be used if there’s an issue, a check-in is something you do, occasionally, during a scene to just pop in and see how your bottom is doing.
This can look like:
- Asking your bottom how they’re doing: Green (means keep going), Yellow (means this is getting intense and approaching my limits), and Red (which means stop right now)
- Placing your pointer finger in your bottom’s palm and asking them to give it two firm squeezes if they’re with you and want to continue.
- Asking your bottom to hold something you’ll need soon and using that information as feedback (i.e. are they so out of it that they drop it? Does the item droop because they’re lost in subspace?)
Safe words play an essential role in all forms of play, but they take on greater importance when you and your partner are still getting to know each other. This might be the case in a new relationship, during a casual encounter, or if meeting local escorts through platforms such as Adult Search. In these situations, it helps to use clear and uncomplicated check-ins that allow the bottom to communicate right away. While you may easily read the signals of someone you have played with for years, that is rarely true with a new partner. Giving them simple and reliable ways to communicate helps ensure everyone feels safe, supported, and able to enjoy the experience. It’s always better to pause the scene briefly to check in than to continue when someone may be feeling unsure or uncomfortable.
Remember: your safe action needs to be instantly noticeable in case of a problem. That means a squeaky toy may be a terrible choice in the midst of loud dungeon music; you might not hear it. A blinking light may be a poor fit if the dungeon uses strobed lighting that’s constantly blinking; you might miss your bottom’s own light.
Try to use a safe action that’s instantly recognizable. If you’re worried your safe action won’t be, choose one of the “check-in” safe actions that allows for instant feedback instead.
Do I Need Both a Safe Word and Nonverbal Safe Action in BDSM?
Ideally, especially if you’re playing with someone new, you take advantage of both a safe word and a nonverbal safe word. This drastically reduces the risk of miscommunication – especially in loud spaces or with someone new.
This may look like:
“We’ve agreed our safe word is red. I’m going to check in on you periodically throughout the scene. When I place my pointer finger in your palm, I’d like you to wrap your fingers around it and squeeze twice to let me know you’re doing okay. If you don’t do that, I’m going to pause the scene until we can have a quick chat to make sure we’re both doing okay.”
Tips for Good Safe Words for BDSM
You can use any safe word under the sun. Quite literally. If you want “blue” to be your safe word, have at it. If you want it to be “airplane”, that’s also an option.
The only thing your BDSM safe word has to be is easy to pronounce, easy to remember, and something you and your play partner have agreed on.
Some tips for good safe words in BDSM:
- Make sure it’s a single word. Phrases can get complicated.
- Ideally, keep it to a short and common word. “Simultaneously” is a lot. “Cat” is easy.
- Single syllables are easiest, but multi-syllable words can also work as it may give the hearing partner a bit longer to pick up on what word is being said.
- Ensure you both know how to pronounce and remember what the safe word is.
- Depending on where you’re playing, make sure you both are comfortable shouting whatever word it is. You need to ensure a safe word is heard if it’s spoken.
Can I Play with No Safe Word in BDSM?
Technically, yes. You’re an adult. You can do whatever you want to do.
I would advise against it.
My first question would be: Why do you want to play with no safe word?
If your partner required it, that’s a gigantic red flag. Like, a red flag as big as the Pacific Ocean. Anyone who specifically will not play if there’s a safe word in play is someone who is intentionally looking to do things that you specifically will not like.
Any kinky person worth their salt, even if they don’t think the safe word is necessary because you’ll be playing so casually, will be happy to agree upon a safe word. Having a safe word doesn’t mean you plan on playing near your limits. It just means that everybody has an emergency plan just in case something happens. Sometimes, that “something” is even something medical or physical like a blood sugar drop or an impending migraine.
If you think having a safeword is silly because you don’t play on using playful resistance, why not just have a safe word anyway? It doesn’t have a be a big part of your negotiation. Just say “Hey, the safeword is red. You cool with that?”
That’s all you gotta do. If you’re not playing around with resistance, there may be no reason to “need” it. If someone has a problem, they might just say “Hey, stop for a second. Here’s what’s up”. And that’s okay if that works for you.
But just in case, that safe word is there in your back pockets, providing an additional layer of protection at literally zero cost to you.
Wouldn’t you rather ensure you had all the tools possible to stop something someone didn’t want?
Some couples will specifically tell you they don’t use safewords in their play. That may be accurate, and it may work for them. As you get familiar with a play partner and their physical cues and behavior, you can often adjust a scene’s intensity long before it reaches anything that may need a safe word. It’s a bit like you can tell when your partner is ready for bed by their voice, their mannerisms, or even how they’re curled up.
But that comes with years of familiarity. Even then, these experienced couples “who don’t have a safe word” know that they actually do have a safe word. Any couple who has been doing kink together for years knows about “Red” as a safe word, and I guarantee they would accept the word “Red” as a safeword if it was spoken mid-scene.
There’s no “Biggest, baddliest dommy” award to be won if you play without safe words. It’s essentially playing without a first aid kit. Obviously, nobody wants bad things or an emergency to happen, but you’re a good kinkster when you have back-up emergency plans for what could go wrong.
It’s the same with safe words – only it’s planning for emotional and mental safety instead of just physical cuts and bruises.
Read Other BDSM Advice Series Articles
Looking for in-depth advice on some of the basic tools and facets of BDSM? I’m here to help! Here are some of my other BDSM Advice Series articles for you:
- BDSM Advice Series: How to Use Bondage Tape
- BDSM Advice Series: Everything You Need to Know about BDSM Gags
- BDSM Nipple Clamps: Everything You Need to Know
- BDSM Advice Series: Safe Calls
- All Femdom Advice
- All BDSM Advice
