Although having sexual fantasies, kinks, and desires is entirely normal, you might feel awkward about revealing kinks to your partner your partner. Most frequently, it is because of the fear of being rejected, misunderstood, or ashamed of your fantasies in the first place.
It can be as scary as it seems. We live in a very sex-negative society. It sucks, but it is what it is. This means that your partner may not react positively to your kink – and you may end up leaving the conversation feeling judged, alone, and feeling a whole bucketload of shame. And that’s not fun.
How your partner will react is entirely out of your control. And that SUCKS. Not knowing how someone will react to something that’s personal and vulnerable to you is hard. It might go well, it might be neutral, and it might go positively. You just don’t know until you do it.
That being said, you can increase the likelihood of things going well. For example, your partner catching you in the middle of a masturbation session involving your kink is probably not a grand ol’ time to confess. Neither is over dinner with the parents. Making some conscious choices about this conversation can help things go over smoothly – instead of making a rocky mess.
Let me see if I can help. Here, you’ll find several tips for revealing your sexual fantasies to your partner. They include choosing the right time, being tactful, preparing yourself for any reaction, not pressuring your partner, and staying open-minded about revealing kinks to your partner.
Find the Right Time
Revealing kinks to your partner is not something that you can do at any time. You must find the right moment when you are both calm and relaxed. It’s best to avoid talking about your fantasies and kinks in the rush of everyday life. For example, sharing with your partner during breakfast that you want to buy a big ass sex doll to spice up your sex life is not the greatest idea under the sun.
If you feel comfortable enough, try to talk about your fantasies when you are alone with nothing else on your plate. Remember: Your plate doesn’t match your partner’s plate. When you might think everything is done for the night, your partner may be under a heap of stress with a running to-do list in their head.
Ideally, this is one of those times where saying “Can we talk later?” would work, but most people find a negative connotation to that phrase.
Instead, I recommend asking your partner if they’re able to clear their plate later for a cuddling session. If you both feel comfortable, relaxed, and close during that session, consider telling your partner. If not, you can always plan for another cuddle session. Cuddles should really be a frequent thing anyway!
In case it needed to be said: do not plan to have this discussion during any special holidays or events. A regular, everyday time is great – just not while in the midst of everyday business. Putting it on a holiday or event maybe rachet up the stress level, and if the conversation doesn’t go well, it may put a damper on future, similar events.
Be Tactful
Keep in mind that your partner might react negatively or even become offended. Especially if their only experience of kink is what’s available in the media, they might only have negative stereotypes about it. That’s why you have to be tactful when expressing your kinks and desires.
There is no point revealing kinks to your partner if you decide not to do it in a respectful manner. Don’t start with “I think you should do this or that.” Instead, mention why you would like to try it — what you would get out of it, how it would benefit them, how it could improve your sex life, etc.
Whether you want to buy a sex toy from theadulttoyshop.com or convince your partner to try BDSM, you should be able to discuss the matter together.
Instead, I recommend starting off with the most-basic version of your kink available. That can really, really help things be more relatable. For example, if you’re interested in being hog-tied and thrown into the back of a car, let’s start the conversation with “You’d like to try some handcuffs sometimes”. If you’d like to learn how to force feminize and go out on Girl’s Night en femme, why not start with the idea of finding some more feminine male-cut underwear?
In general, once people find some of the lighter versions enjoyable and not-as-distasteful as they imagined, they’re more open to heavier versions. You see this pretty constant in kink communities. A couple comes in who is “just into blindfolds and handcuffs”, and they’re soon attending classes on needle play.
If possible, I highly recommend having some resources available for their information. Don’t bombard them, but let them know that you know this might be confusing (or weird-feeling), and you have some online webpages or books that might help explain things better than you know how to. (Some of the femdom advice and BDSM advice here on Kinky World can be good references too!)
Remember: You’ve probably been thinking or fantasizing about this particular thing for months or years. This may be the first time your partner has ever heard about it. If they have heard about it before, it might have been in an episode of a crime show or other negative media. Especially for people who aren’t into kinks or fetishes, it can take awhile to see the appeal in them – and overwrite some of the negative programming we all experience on a day-to-day basis.
Prepare Yourself for Any Reaction
Although your partner might not react negatively or become angry after revealing your kinks to your partner, you should prepare yourself for it anyway. Don’t get offended if they think you are not satisfied with your sex life or accuse you of being unfaithful. Especially when people are met with difficult conversations or jarring information, they can become defensive; it’s not one of humanity’s nicest defense mechanisms, but it unfortunately is a common one. Try not to take things personally.
If your partner does seem upset, offer those resources again, and then table the conversation. Nothing productive is going to happen if your partner views things negatively right now. It’s just a lot for someone to take in, and they might need a lot of mental processing time. Something as simple as “I see that this is a lot to take in, and I get that. I still have those resources if you want, but I’m going to give you some space to take it all in. Is there anything I can do to help reassure you that I care about you and that my interest changes nothing about my love for you?”
If your partner seems neutral, don’t be tempted to overshare. Remember: starting slow and small is good! Even if your partner seems neutral about the whole thing, don’t start oversharing to the point where you’re digging a hole. Take your win, express your gratitude for them and your relationship for being a safe place where you felt you could chat, and offer those resources to your partner when they have questions.
Don’t Pressure Your Partner Into It
Once you confess, it can be tempting to start making plans to do things. After all, you already went through revealing your kinks to your partner, so it will hopefully happen soon, right?
Unfortunately, this can have the side effect of feeling like being forced to your partner – and nobody likes that. Imagine if someone floated the idea of a restaurant to you, and you were neutral about it and honestly, it really looked like the wrong type of food for you.
Only that next day, the person was making a reservation, hiring babysitters, and clearing their schedule to go with you.
It would feel like your consent and input was entirely ignored – and nobody likes feeling like that.
The same goes for your partner. Don’t pressure them into things, and give them time to think about this new side of you. Sometimes, especially if you’ve been together a long time, surprising confessions can really taken someone by surprise!
But Still Check Back In
Once you’ve made the “grand confession”, it can be easy to let the experience of revealing kinks to your partner fade into the background of sex and do nothing with it. That, my friends, is how resentment builds up, and I’ve seen it time and time again.
“I told them my kinks, and they’ve never wanted to do them!”
Well, at some point, you have to take the lead on this one. After you’ve given your partner a few weeks after revealing kinks to your partner to work things through, take another one of those calm moments and ask if they have any questions for you. Instead of coming at this from a point of “wanting” something from your partner, consider coming at it from a more-positive angle: you trust your partner enough to want to be fully open with them in all things.
At this point, (hopefully), you’re both in a better place to have more of a conversation about it. Remember: don’t be defensive or overly detailed about things for now.
If this conversation goes well, you might consider offering a light way for the two of you to explore it. Some requests can look like:
- “Next time we have sex, can we try this new sex position? I’d love to see how we fit together like that.”
- “Are you open to shopping online for [what you want] with me? There’s no one else I’d trust to do with it.”
- “I think that adding handcuffs [your kink] to our favorite sex position could be really hot. Would you try it with me?”
- “Next time we’re having sex, is it okay if I blindfold you? I think it’d be really hot to connect like that.”
- “If it’s okay with you, can we use handcuffs and ankle cuffs on you during sex? We can use the Velcro ones that are easy to escape, and we’ll stop anytime you say so.”
- “Is this something you can try with me? I know it might not be arousing for you, but if you’re open to trying, I’d really love to thank you with [a thing they really love here]”
You’ll note a few things here:
- Be very gentle, ask their consent, and keep things to light kinks terms. Your kink might be named “Cake splooshing” or something like that, but use approachable, understandable terms.
- Phrase things back to the ways it can benefit you and your relationship.
- Make sure you make it clear that everything stops if your partner says so. Then honor that.
- If something makes them nervous, try to figure out workarounds that can benefit everyone. Taking cake splooshing for an example (which is the act of sitting on cakes, basically). Your partner might be worried about sugar near the vagina – or the resulting mess it will make. In that case, your easy workarounds include your partner still wearing their panties – and making it clear that you’ll prep and clean up everything.
- Try to tie your kink into tried-and-true things you both enjoy. Don’t try this intense, planned scene that’s completely foreign. Just a small little insertion into the sex you both already know and love.
- Remember that not all sex acts are mutually, physically-pleasurable on both ends. Oral sex, for example, is focused physically on one person – and the other person does it because they like seeing their partner pleasured. The same can be done with kinks and fantasies. Even if it isn’t their cup of tea, it’s still something you both can do as long as you’re happy to do some of the one-sided activities they enjoy.
If this conversation is still neutral, consider reapproaching it in a few months.
Calm Down
If your partner agrees to try your new kinks and fantasies, it can make you feel a bit over the moon – and you want more, more, and more! That’s pretty common, and I totally get it. Exploring your fantasies with someone you trust is HUGE.
However, this can have the (unfortunate) effect of turning off your partner. Not only is this thing new to them (and they were unsure about it), but now you seem to only want to do the thing. That’s a huge change, and it can feel extremely unsettling from what you previously were doing.
Instead, try to stay calm about your new kinks for the health of the relationship. Enjoy things together that you used to do pre-conversation. Have entire weeks where you don’t talk about it. I know it’s hard, but the point is to show your partner that this isn’t an all-consuming thing about you; it’s just one facet about you and one facet of your sex lives together.
Meta Tip: Do It Early
If you’re in the early stages of a relationship while you’re reading this article, make the conscious choice to undertake revealing kinks to your partner relatively early in the relationship. Rejection sucks – no matter when the rejection is. However, if you both are 40-years-deep into the relationship, the ability to “leave” can seem much harder than when it’s only been 6 months.
As someone who regularly talks to subs in their 40s and 50s who feel sexually unfilled with a partner who has zero interest in kink, take it from me: telling your partner before you both build a full life together (with everything all intertwined) is highly recommended. Once you know how your partner feels about your kinks, you’ll be better able to make decisions about the future of the relationship. Plus, that “weight” will be fully off your shoulders!
After It All: If They AREN’T Okay With It…
Well, first off, assuming your kink and sexual fantasy is consensual and not harming anyone, it’s okay that you have it. It’s totally normal to have kinks and fantasies that you want to explore. Hundreds upon thousands of people are into sex beyond missionary, and it doesn’t make you bad, unethical, weird, terrible, or a monster. It’s NORMAL.
Unfortunately, it’s also very much okay that your partner isn’t open or interested in trying them. That’s the unfortunate part about boundaries and sexual interests; every person’s is different. Just as you have the right to have those kinks, they have the right not to be interested in indulging them with you.
Ideas for handling that would be huge (and much beyond this article), but some of my suggestions would be:
- Are you able to trade sex acts or chores? For example, if you do something they’d really like, would they be open to trying your kink – even if it isn’t a turn-on for them? If this works, don’t be pushy or overly demanding, but do try to explain what you’d like them to do in clear, consise terms. Be sure to provide lots of compliments and thanks – even if it doesn’t necessarily go like it does in your fantasies.
- Are they able to support your kink in a non-sexual manner? For something like crossdressing, this might look like being open to shopping for clothes with you – but they have little interest in doing anything sexual while crossdressing. If you enjoy diapers, it would look like your partner being okay seeing the diapers and accessories – but little interest in interacting with it. Some couples find a happy middle ground here.
- Are they open to hiring professionals? Sex workers or pro dommes could be a way to get your needs met without involving your partner in a very encapsulated way.
- Are they open to ethically non-monogamous relationships? Quite a few people term to “open relationships” when their sex drives are mismatched; the same can be a solution here.
- Are they open to you playing online (and virtually) with other people who may be into the same kinks?
- If nothing else, are you open to a relationship where you’ll only explore this kink during masturbation or solo? I recommend being honest with yourself because you don’t want to find yourself with this same dilemma 10 years from now.
Final Note
Revealing kinks to your partner is not easy – but not talking about it can create some serious resentment – and ensures that your kinks will probably go entirely unfulfilled.
Keep in mind that having sexual fantasies doesn’t necessarily mean that you are not satisfied with your sex life or don’t love your partner anymore. Our brains are biologically hardwired for novelty – and to try new things! But that doesn’t mean that we don’t love the old things just as much.
While it all comes down to your partner and your relationship, reaching out from a place of curiosity and vulnerability can make a big difference. Starting things off slowly – and giving your partner the space they need to think it all through – can also make a big difference.
After everything is said and done, though, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll accept or agree to try your kinks. It sucks, but everyone is allowed their own boundaries and sexual agencies.
