5 Steps for Revealing Kinks to Your Partner

Although having sexual fantasies, kinks, and desires is entirely normal, you might feel awkward about revealing kinks to your partner. Most frequently, it is because of the fear of being rejected, misunderstood, or ashamed of your fantasies in the first place.

It can be as scary as it seems. We live in a very sex-negative society. It sucks, but it is what it is. This means that your partner may not react positively to your kink – and you may end up leaving the conversation feeling judged, alone, and feeling a whole bucketload of shame. And that’s not fun.

How your partner will react is entirely out of your control. And that SUCKS. Not knowing how someone will react to something that’s personal and vulnerable to you is hard. It might go well, it might be neutral, and it might go poorly. You just don’t know until you do it.

That being said, you can increase the likelihood of things going well. For example, your partner catching you in the middle of a masturbation session involving your kink is probably not a grand ol’ time to confess. Neither is over dinner with the parents. Making some conscious choices about this conversation can help things go over as smoothly as possible.

Let me see if I can help. Here, you’ll find several tips for revealing your sexual fantasies to your partner. They include choosing the right time, being tactful, preparing yourself for any reaction, not pressuring your partner, and staying open-minded about revealing kinks to your partner.

EDIT: November 2026: I wanted to expand the article. There are more than 5 steps for revealing kinks to your partner now. I think the extra steps have really, really good information, so you’ll just have to read a few more steps. :P

Think About the Appeal of Your Kink

I’m gonna nerd out with you here for a second. In “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, a book by Dale Carnegie, he talks about the importance of understanding what the other party gets out of whatever you want them to do. That’s extremely important in sales, but honestly, it’s just as important right now. You’re, effectively, trying to “sell” your partner on the enjoyment of your kink.

So, before you jump into revealing kinks to your partner, I really, really want you to sit down and brainstorm what THEY get out of your kink. What things about your kink would enhance their lives, your sex lives, or your relationship?

Not some silly, selfish reason. If you’re into pegging, the benefit to your partner isn’t that “they get to peg you”. They probably aren’t even thinking about pegging you right now. That’s not a benefit to them.

Instead, what do they get out of what you want to do with them? Leading your conversations with the things they actually get, with a conversation focused on how this all benefits them, can make a world of difference in the first initial experiences this newbie will have your kink.

Some common kink ideas and benefits:

• You want to be tied up in bondage: Your partner gets to experience you at your most vulnerable. You both get an enhanced level of trust from being completely at their mercy. As they grow more confident, they will feel more empowered to do what they want to do as you’ll be “helpless” to stop them.
• You want to dress your lover up in feminine clothing. They become eye candy to you, complete with compliments. The clothing you choose can help enhance the work they’re doing in the gym. If they enjoy being sexually objectified, wearing these clothes for you can instantly turn them into a “sex object” for you. If they want a quick, easy way to turn you on, all they have to do is throw on a specific set of feminine clothing, and you’ll be ready.
• You want to try swinging at the local swinger’s club. They get to experience a whole new location with you. Even if the two of you never “swing”, you get to see other couples having sex and bring that erotic energy home to have your own sex. They get to see “normal” human bodies having sex, adding to their self-esteem. They get an entire night and location that’s all about sex, including the anticipation of getting to go. They can have an audience watch the two of you have sex even if the two of you never swing with another couple. They get to experience the erotic energy of flirting with others. If they like dressing up, they get to see you (and buy their own) new outfits and costumes for themed nights at swinger’s clubs if you both keep going.
• You want your partner to be your submissive. They’ll get to experience being taken care of. If they like it, you can require more structure in their day and take some of the decision-making off of their plate. They become the receptive partner during sexual encounters, and they can receive more pleasure without additional work. They get the benefit of clear communication: in this set-up, there are fewer misunderstandings as you can be upfront about what you want to happen.

Find the Right Time to Reveal Fetishes to Your Partner

Revealing kinks to your partner is not something that you can do at any time. Find a moment when you are both calm and relaxed. Telling your partner, over a chaotic breakfast where you only have 10 minutes to eat, that you want to try stapling them to the ceiling is probably not going to be a calm conversation.

Instead, try to talk about your fantasies when you two are alone with nothing else on your plate. Remember: Your plate doesn’t match your partner’s plate. When you might think everything is done for the night, your partner may be under a heap of stress with a running to-do list in their head.

This is one of those times when saying “Can we talk later?” would work, but most people instantly go on high alert when they hear that phrase.

Instead, I recommend asking your partner if they’re able to clear their plate later for a cuddling session. If you both feel comfortable, relaxed, and close during that cuddling session, consider telling your partner. If not, you can always plan for another cuddle session. Cuddles should really be a frequent thing anyway!

In case it needs to be said: do not plan to have this discussion during any special holidays or events. Putting it on a holiday or event will ratchet up the stress level, and if the conversation doesn’t go well, it may put a damper on future, similar events. I know it can seem symbolic to bring up this conversation during your anniversary, but try to give it a week or two.

Present a Lighter, More Approachable Form of Your Kink

Especially if their only experience of kink is what’s available in the media, they’ve only seen negative stereotypes. Hearing that you’re into the same things the serial killer on SVU is into can feel really frightening. Your partner might react negatively, assume it means you harbor violent desires, or become offended that you’d even think about this. That’s why you have to be tactful when expressing your kinks and desires.

Because of this, I recommend starting off with the most-basic version of your kink available. That can really, really help things be more relatable. For example, if you’re interested in being hog-tied and thrown into the back of a car, let’s start the conversation with the idea that you’d like to try some handcuffs. If you’d like to learn how to force feminize and go out on Girl’s Night en femme, why not start with the idea of finding some more feminine male-cut underwear? These “watered down” versions of your kink are much easier to understand and see the appeal of.

In general, once people find some of the lighter versions enjoyable and not-as-distasteful as they imagined, they’re more open to heavier versions. You see this pretty consistently in kink communities. A couple comes in who is “just into blindfolds and handcuffs”, and they’re soon attending classes on needle play.

If possible, do a bit of homework ahead of time. Have some resources available for them if they’re scared, confused, or overwhelmed. Things I recommend having ready, depending on the kink you’re exploring:

• A published intro-level book about the kink. I have some book recommendations for femdom and general BDSM, but you can find a ton of awesome books out there.
• A very specific erotic story or video that you’re into. MAKE SURE whatever you present is on the light side of your kink. If you want to try bondage, find a romantic movie that showcases sex with a bit of wrist cuffs. Don’t show them the latest Kink.com torture scene. I love Kink.com too, but remember, we’re going for a gentle acclimation.
• An article that tells them a bit about the kink from their side of the activity. If you want them to use rope bondage on you, try to find a very friendly 101 article that teaches them to tie a basic tie. If you want them to wear frilly clothes for you, try to find an article that talks about why someone would be into this and how it has positively affected their relationship. (Some of the femdom advice and BDSM advice here on Kinky World can be good references too!)

You may not need any of those resources, but if they have further questions, prepping in advance will ensure you have what you need to send to them…just in case. The last thing we want is for them to watch over your shoulder as they see you scroll through your usual hardcore options to try to find a “soft” one for them to watch.

Make sure this conversation, in general, feels collaborative. This is a new experience and sexual desire you want to share with them. Just like you tried the new coffee shop together, you want to try this new sexy thing together too. Explain why you’re turned on by it, playing up how it helps you feel close to your partner, how embarrassed you feel admitting it in the first place, and how much trust you’re putting in them because it feels so hard to admit.

(That last one can be really important if you’ve been in the relationship for awhile. If you’re 10 years into a relationship, your partner might, understandably, wonder why you’re bringing it up now. Being able to reassure them that you’ve just been embarrassed and worried about their reaction can help reassure them that there aren’t a lot of secrets hiding under the surface. That being said, they’re still going to ask if there are any other “secrets” they need to know about.)

You should also reiterate – OFTEN – that you’re satisfied with your sex life, as-is, if you are. Getting defensive is a common reaction to being presented with surprising knowledge, and we want to really reassure our partner that this is not a desire that has come out of being unsatisfied with your partnership. Instead, revealing your kinks to your partner is only coming about because you’ve fostered such a close, intimate partnership that you’re finally feeling comfortable exploring things you’ve only fantasized about until now.

Remember: You’ve probably been thinking or fantasizing about this particular thing for months, years, or decades. This may be the first time your partner has ever heard about it. If they have heard about it before, it might have been in an episode of a crime show or other negative media. Especially for people who aren’t into kinks or fetishes, it can take awhile to see the appeal in them. It takes time to overwrite some of the negative programming we all experience on a day-to-day basis. Your patience, and ability to do your “kink” at whatever level they’re at, is going to make a world of difference.

Whether you want to buy a sex toy from theadulttoyshop.com or convince your partner to try BDSM, you should be able to discuss the matter together.

Prepare Yourself for a Negative Reaction

Although your partner might not react negatively or become angry after revealing your kinks to your partner, you should prepare yourself for it anyway. Don’t get offended if they think you are not satisfied with your sex life or accuse you of being unfaithful. Especially when people are met with difficult conversations or jarring information, they can become defensive; it’s not one of humanity’s nicest defense mechanisms, but it unfortunately is a common one.

If your partner does seem upset, offer those resources again, and then table the conversation. Nothing productive is going to happen if your partner views things negatively right now. It’s just a lot for someone to take in, and they might need some processing time. Something as simple as “I see that this is a lot to take in, and I get that. I still have those resources if you want, but I’m going to give you some space to take it all in. Is there anything I can do to help reassure you that I care about you and that my interest in [X] changes nothing about my love for you?”

If your partner seems neutral, don’t be tempted to overshare. Remember: starting slow and small is good! Don’t start oversharing to the point where you’re digging a hole. Take your win, express your gratitude for them and your relationship, and offer those resources to your partner when they have questions.

If your partner seems gung-oh and ready to go, you can be a bit more forthcoming about the full extent of your fantasies, but still, reign yourself in. Day 1 is not the day to reveal that you actually have a fetish for serial killer clowns, and you actually want to renovate the house to resemble a circus ring so that you can live out your fantasies every day. You might make it to that conversation someday, but start small so you can leave everything on a positive note.

Be Okay with THEIR Version of your Kink

Yep, you went into this with your own fantasies and expectations, and yep, I’m assuming you really, really want your partner to fulfill your fantasies the way you’ve been masturbating to them for the past 5 years.

But it’s really vital that you accept where your partner is at with whatever version of your kink they’re at.

For example, if you really wanted to be tied spread-eagle to the bed while they tickled you until you couldn’t breathe anymore, you really have to accept the fact that they may only be okay with tickling your feet absent-mindedly while the two of you watch a movie that feels arousing to them.

That’s a good thing! They heard the information you gave them, and they are taking YOUR kink and proactively applying it in a way that feels comfortable for them. No, it’s not necessarily the fantasy you’ve had in your head, but given time, it might become that fantasy.

I’ve seen so many Reddit posts of people shooting themselves in the foot. They confess a love for a kink, but they’re really upset their partner isn’t doing the kink like they fantasized the kink being done. They complain to their lover that it isn’t what they wanted, and their lover feels stupid, embarrassed, and upset. After all, their lover was trying to go out on a limb and try brand new things they’ve never thought about before. Instead of being met with gratitude, they’re met with more demands and reminders that they’re not doing it “right”.

Now the lover closes up and becomes uncomfortable with the idea of the kink entirely. They may refuse to participate in the kink at all, and this discomfort can lead to a lack of interest in sex, in general, too.

DO NOT DO THIS.

If your partner is participating in your kink, however small, reward them. Confess your gratitude. Show them how turned on you are. Maybe do a chore or two you normally wouldn’t do, or offer to give them a backrub or something else they enjoy. If they’re making you happy, show them, no matter how “small” they’re doing your kink.

Then give it six months. You might find they start adding in your kink more often. They might try to make your kink a bit bigger (maybe they’ll hold your ankle while tickling your foot after the movie is over). Maybe they start to verbally tease you about it or generally seem more comfortable with your kink.

When those things happen, you can start asking if you can try things a bit differently. Maybe something like “God, it’s so fuckin’ hot when you tickle my feet like that. Could we try it in the bedroom? I want a bit more room to make out with you once it gets me going.”

Partner lots of praise for what they’re already doing with a request for something new AND a reason they would benefit from trying the new thing.

Don’t Pressure Your Partner Into It

Once you confess, it can be tempting to start making plans to do things. After all, you already went through revealing your kinks to your partner, so it will hopefully happen soon, right?

Unfortunately, on your partner’s side, this can feel like being “forced”. Imagine if someone floated the idea of a restaurant to you, and you were neutral about it, and honestly, it really looked like the wrong type of food for you. You just kinda made a non-committal response to be polite, never agreeing, and moved onto a new topic.

Only that next day, the person was making a reservation, hiring a babysitter for you, and clearing their schedule to go with you.

It would feel like your consent and input were entirely ignored – and nobody likes feeling like that.

The same goes after revealing kinks to your partner. Don’t pressure them into things. Give them time to think about this new side of you. Especially if you’ve been together a long time, your kink confessions can really take someone by surprise! Time doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad thing. It means somebody is thinking about, trying to see this new activity in a new light, and potentially trying to figure out how they are comfortable approaching this activity with you.

…but Still Check Back In

Once you’ve made the “grand confession”, it can be easy to let the experience of revealing kinks to your partner fade into the background of sex and do nothing with it. That, my friends, is how resentment builds up, and I’ve seen it time and time again.

“I told them my kinks, and they’ve never wanted to do them!”

I know, I know, I just told you to not pressure them into anything. There’s a flip side to this though: it can’t be something you let someone else entirely sweep under the rug either. Especially if sexual conversations are hard for the two of you, someone’s discomfort over the idea of “modifying your sexual script” can be hard to overcome.

Well, at some point, you have to take the lead on this one. After you’ve given your partner a few months to work things through, take another one of those calm moments and ask if they have any questions for you. Instead of coming at this from a point of “wanting” something from your partner, come from a positive angle: you trust your partner enough to want to be fully open with them in all things, and you didn’t know if they had come up with any questions.

At this point, (hopefully), you’re both in a better place to have a conversation about it. Remember: don’t be defensive or overly detailed about your specific fantasy. Instead, lead with positive language, framing how things can benefit your relationship.

If this conversation goes neutral or positively, you might consider offering a light way for the two of you to explore it. Some requests can look like:

• “Next time we have sex, can we try this new sex position? I’d love to see how we fit together like that.”
• “Are you open to shopping online for [what you want] with me? There’s no one else I’d trust to do with it.”
• “I think that adding handcuffs [if bondage is your kink] to our favorite sex position could be really hot. Would you try it with me?”
• “Next time we’re having sex, is it okay if I blindfold you? I think it’d be really hot to connect like that.”
• “I know we talked about swinging and kink a couple of weeks ago. Would it be fun if we went out to a bar tonight and just talked about anyone we find mutually attractive at the bar?”
• “If it’s okay with you, can we use handcuffs and ankle cuffs on you during sex? We can use the Velcro ones that are easy to escape, and we’ll stop anytime you say so.”
• “Is this something you can try with me? I know it might not be arousing for you, but if you’re open to trying, I’d really love to thank you with [a thing they really love here]”

You’ll note a few things here:

• Be very gentle, ask their consent, and keep things to light kinks.
• Don’t use kinky jargon. Your kink might be named “Cake splooshing” or something like that, but use approachable, understandable terms. Instead, you might just “want to smear a bit of cake on their breast and then lick it off”.
• Phrase things in terms of how it can benefit you and your relationship.
• Make it clear that everything stops if your partner says so. Then honor that.
• If something makes them nervous, figure out workarounds that can benefit everyone. If your fetish is to slide a lollipop into a vagina, your partner might be worried about sugar near the vagina or if the lollipop might “slide off” and get stuck. In that case, your easy workarounds include your partner still wearing their panties while you use the lollipop near their vagina, buying a different type of lollipop that doesn’t disassemble as easily, or considering a different type of food that might still hit your kink (whipped cream?) that doesn’t have their same concerns.
• Try to tie your kink into tried-and-true things you both enjoy. Don’t try this intense, planned scene that’s completely foreign. Just a small little insertion into the sex you both already know and love.
• Remember that not all sex acts are mutually, physically pleasurable on both ends. Oral sex, for example, is focused physically on one person while the other person does it because they like seeing their partner pleasured. The same can be done with kinks and fantasies. Even if it isn’t their cup of tea, it’s still something you both can do as long as you’re happy to do some of the one-sided activities they enjoy.

If this conversation is still negative, consider reapproaching it in a few more months.

If it Works, Calm the F Down

If your partner agrees to try your new kinks and fantasies, it can make you feel a bit over the moon – and you want more, more, and more! That’s pretty common, and I totally get it. Exploring your fantasies with someone you trust is HUGE.

However, this can have the (unfortunate) effect of turning off your partner. Not only is this thing new to them (and they were unsure about it), but now you seem to only want to do the thing. That’s a huge change, and it can feel extremely unsettling from what you previously were doing.

Instead, stay calm about your new kinks for the health of the relationship. Enjoy things together that you used to do pre-conversation. Have entire weeks where you don’t talk about it. I know it’s hard, but the point is to show your partner that this isn’t an all-consuming thing about you; it’s just one facet about you and one facet of your sex lives together.

If you make this an all-consuming thing about your relationship, they ARE going to get turned off by it. They may resent you for liking it, or they may have a knee-jerk reaction and refuse to participate any further.

Presumably, they liked your sex life before this kink was introduced. Make sure most of your sexual encounters still look like the sex life they were enjoying before you had this conversation revealing kinks to your partner.

After Revealing Kinks to Your Partner: If They AREN’T Okay With It…

First off, assuming your kink and sexual fantasy is consensual and not harming anyone, it’s okay that you have it. It’s totally normal to have kinks and fantasies that you want to explore. Hundreds of thousands of people are into sex beyond missionary, and it doesn’t make you bad, unethical, weird, terrible, or a monster. It’s NORMAL.

Unfortunately, it’s also very much okay that your partner isn’t open or interested in trying them. That’s the unfortunate part about boundaries and sexual interests; every person’s is different. Just as you have the right to have those kinks, they have the right not to be interested in indulging them with you.

Ideas for handling that would be huge (and much beyond this article), but some of my suggestions would be:

• Are you able to trade sex acts or chores? For example, if you do something they really like, would they be open to trying your kink – even if it isn’t a turn-on for them? Just like we talked about above, lots of sex acts are one-sided. Titjobs or handjobs, for example, only pleasure one person at a time. There’s nothing wrong with taking this same framework and applying it to your current kink. If they’re open, don’t be overly pushy or demanding, but do explain what would be good for you in clear, concise terms. Be sure to provide lots of compliments and thanks even if it doesn’t necessarily go like it does in your fantasies.
• Are they able to support your kink in a non-sexual manner? For something like crossdressing, this might look like being open to shopping for clothes with you even if they have little interest in doing anything sexual while you’re wearing the clothes. If you enjoy diapers, it may look like a partner being okay seeing the diapers and accessories on you while being uncomfortable interacting with them. Some couples find a happy middle ground here.
• Are they open to hiring professionals? Sex workers or pro dommes could be a way to get your needs met without involving your partner. Since it’s a paid exchange, feelings and expectations are set up ahead of time in a way that is impossible to manage in interpersonal relationships. Plus, a professional will be very open to playing out your fantasies exactly how you explain them.
• Are they open to ethically non-monogamous relationships? Quite a few people turn to “open relationships” when their sex drives or kinks are mismatched; the same can be a solution here.
• Are they open to you playing online (and virtually) with other people who may be into the same kinks? If your partner is okay with this, having cybersex and flirting with people online may help you satisfy your urges. Joining forums and chatting about your kink can also be another outlet. Just be careful here: it can be really easy to end up in an emotional affair with someone online. Unless that’s agreed upon, set up personal boundaries before you go too deep with online play.
• If none of this works, are you open to a relationship where you’ll only explore this kink during masturbation or solo? I recommend being honest with yourself because you don’t want to find yourself with this same dilemma 10 years from now.

Meta Tip: Have This Conversation Early

If you’re in the early stages of a relationship while you’re reading this article, make the conscious choice to undertake revealing kinks to your partner now. Rejection sucks – no matter when the rejection is. However, if you both are 40-years-deep into the relationship, the ability to “leave” can seem much harder than when it’s only been 6 months.

As someone who regularly talks to submissives in their 50s and 60s who feel sexually unfilled with a partner who has zero interest in kink, take it from me: telling your partner before you both build a full life together (with everything all intertwined) is highly recommended. Once you know how your partner feels about your kinks, you’ll be better able to make decisions about the future of the relationship.

Plus, that “weight” will be fully off your shoulders!

Final Note

Revealing kinks to your partner is not easy – but not talking about it can create some serious resentment and ensures that your kinks will go entirely unfulfilled.

Keep in mind that having sexual fantasies doesn’t necessarily mean that you are not satisfied with your sex life or don’t love your partner anymore. Our brains are biologically hardwired for novelty and to try new things! But that doesn’t mean that we don’t love the old things just as much.

While it all comes down to your partner and your relationship, reaching out from a place of curiosity and vulnerability can make a big difference. Start things off slowly, meet them where they’re at, and give your partner the space they need to think it all through. It can make a big difference.

After everything is said and done, though, revealing kinks to your partner doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll accept or agree to try your kinks. It sucks, but everyone is allowed their own boundaries and sexual agency.

Originally Published: October 1, 2021.
Updated: November 2026.

Thanks for reading my article about revealing kinks to your partner!