It’s the holiday season – and the end of the year! That means that every single outlet you follow – sexual or otherwise – is going to be telling you why you should buy something. Especially in the sex toy world, that’s going to be a whole lot of articles about why you should buy your partner a sex toy – instead of when you shouldn’t buy your partner a sex toy.
And don’t get me wrong: I gift my partner a sex toy for most holidays, honestly. Our weird sex and kink life is a big part of our partnership, and it’s probably something that’s essentially a hobby at this point. We talk about, reference it, and are participating in it a good chunk of our lives.
But that isn’t necessarily the case with every couple out there – I’d say the majority of couples are probably not partnered with someone who reviews multiple sex toys a month. (To the point where a giant butt plug had become so commonplace in the kitchen last year that I entirely forgot to put it away before a plumber came over. Oops.)
So, after all of that, why wouldn’t I recommend buying your partner a sex toy? After all, I clearly do it – and regularly.
Essentially, sex (and by proxy, sex toys), for better or for worse, come with a stigma in most societies. Not only is it this “private” thing that we’re not supposed to talk about or be open about, but it’s also a common point of contention in relationships – possibly because we never feel comfortable talking about what’s normal and what isn’t.
This means your potential gift, long before you ever “gift” it, is already full-up with unspoken expectations and thoughts.
It’s a bit like gifting specific personal care products. If you get your cousin a complete haircutting kit – and the family has been nagging them to get their hair cut for years now – your gift is going to be full of a “message” – even if that message was entirely unintended. (In fact, you were gifting them the set because you thought they took pride in their long hair and wanted to give them nicer tools to support their hobby and their haircut choice.)
That’s how gifts with loaded messages can come across. This means there are definitely times when you shouldn’t buy your partner a sex toy – even if your intentions were good.
Here’s when you should rethink gifting a sex toy to your partner:
When Life is Extremely Stressed
When you both are stressed, it can seem like gifting a sex toy encourages sex – which might be a nice shortcut to relax from stress. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work like that. Even if sex is your way of relaxing, it may not be theirs.
Even if it is their way of relaxing, using a new sex toy adds complexity to the experience. They may need to figure out how to use the toy, how to charge it, and how to experience pleasure with it. It isn’t (necessarily!) an effortless orgasm – even if the toy is the best-selling orgasm-magic gadget on the market.
Simply put: when you both are stressed, gifting a sex toy can feel a bit like having another item on the to-do list that the recipient “wants” to do – but doesn’t have the mental energy to undertake it.
When You’re Fine – but Your Partner is Stressed
When you’ve been running around like there are ants in your pants just in hopes of getting everything done, and someone else tells you that you have no reason to be stressed and gives you a cupcake….does that feel good? For me, it doesn’t. I get frustrated by the fact that they could do anything to help alleviate that burden – and yet they’re just attempting to gloss over it with a quick gift.
That’s how gifting a sex toy to a stressed partner can feel. When life is already bursting at the seams, a partner gifting an object that says “let’s have more sex!” can feel like another to-do list item – and can make sex feel like another to-do list items instead of something pleasurable.
When You’re Having Bedroom Troubles
It can be tempting to think of a sex toy as a salve to help a problematic bedroom, but it usually ends being up the opposite. Generally, it’s the partner who wants more sex who gifts a sex toy to their partner – which feels more like a not-so-subtle push that says “We’re not having enough sex”. Alternatively, the partner who wants less sex may gift their partner a sex toy – which can feel a bit like a “Here. Just go masturbate in the corner with Pornvideos.TV lots of online porn videos where you won’t bother me.”
You can see why neither of those options are particularly great. When there are already issues in the bedroom (whether with frequency or pleasure for either partner), steer clear of sex toys for the moment being. A new sex toy won’t be a magic salve to your problems, and it’s likely to create more.
When You Don’t Have Any Other Sex Toys
While you might be a-okay with the idea of sex toys, not everyone is. In fact, a lot of people are really put off by sex toys – and I’ve seen the occasional opinion that they’re a temptation from Satan. So, if you and your partner don’t have any sex toys, gifting one as a surprise is a giant no-no. Not only will you be a bit lost as to the “exact” gift that would please your partner, but you’re taking their agency out of the decision to own one in the first place.
When You’re Extremely Invested in the Outcome
If you’re extremely invested in the receipt of this sex toy – even more-so than other gifts you purchased – it’s a sign that this is a time when you shouldn’t buy your partner a sex toy – and for two reasons:
1) That’s a clear sign that, in some fashion, the gift is partially for you. I can’t tell you what, why, or how that is, but there’s a noticeable, selfish component in this gift. You might be hoping they’re thankful to you or you might be hoping this “lets them” experience pleasure. You might just be hoping it leads to more sex – or that your partner will think it’s the coolest gift ever.
(For example, I’m gifting my partner an extremely romantic and personalized gift this year. To say I’m invested in it is an understatement. I am invested in it; I want him to feel some of his love for me and find it one of his best gifts this year. Clearly, a good chunk of the gift I’m giving is noticeably selfish – because I have specific outcomes I want because I’m giving it.)
2) Sex toys are extremely personal purchases. Even if your partner absolutely loves the toy at first glance, it’s quite possible that its physical functions won’t do it for them. When that happens, the toy will likely get dropped to the bottom of the drawer, rarely seen from again. This can lead to hurt feelings if you’re really invested.
Proceed with Caution: Lingerie
Unless your partner has specifically requested a lingerie piece, be very, very, very, very, very careful about purchasing lingerie. Not only does it have a big component of the “selfish” part I spoke about above (after all, you’re the one who looks at them!), but most people have very specific concerns and fits about lingerie. Even fewer people enjoy the idea of having someone else watch as they try on a new set of clothing/lingerie for the first time.
(I’ve been with my partner for six years, and I can guarantee you that he doesn’t know that I hate balconette bras – and a bunch of other small, but important, details that come up when buying lingerie.)
If you’d love to gift lingerie, it’s better to make it a gift card, a trip to a lingerie store, or make it a nice date night where the two of you look over lingerie pieces online and discuss what ones your partner would like best. This puts the agency and final choices back in their court – and turns this one away from being one of those times when you shouldn’t buy your partner a sex toy.
What Should you Gift Instead?
A Fun Date Night: Date nights are kinda amazing for rekindling your passion – and if that’s what you were hoping to solve with sex toys, a no-pressure date night might be exactly what you need. If you’re stressed about planning or figuring out the date, a search for “Date box” on Etsy can help you come up with a whole host of different ideas.
A few things:
- Remember to schedule a day for the date night – and stick to it! It’s easy to continue to reschedule date nights in a busy life if you aren’t careful.
- This is an no-sexual-expectations date. Focus on the reconnection and the time together. Some couples specifically choose to sleep in separate beds after date nights just to discourage any sexual pressure afterwards.
Help With What Ails Them: If they’re extremely stressed and busy, have a discussion about why they’re stressed and busy. In most cases, it’s just a whole lot of different chores and tasks that need to be done. In this case, make part of your gift some help with their to-do list. Not only is this generally free, but this can also make your partner feel valued.
Need to wrap something up? Wrap up redeemable coupons – or supplies to get the task done – then do the task. If you’re just into the big reveal, you can also surprise them with some of the chores done when they come home from work.
A Non-Sexual Escape from Stress: Leave sex out of the equation – and gift your partner something to help alleviate their stress. This can vary depending on your partner, but some common stress-relief ideas include:
- A spa day (with you or a professional)
- Taking them out for their favorite dinner
- Chocolate or chicken wings and alcohol
- A night where you take care of all of the daily chores and let them lay back and relax
- Adult coloring books
- Items that support their relaxation hobby like golf clubs, new craft supplies, or other hobby accessories.
- A ticket/experience that gets them out of the house and doing something they love like a concert, craft class, golf course admission, etc.
- Time off from the ever-lasting to-do list.
For most people, a non-sexual relaxation activity should be something they’re familiar (and comfortable with) – and something that gets them away from the constant to-do list that’s potentially running in their heads. Especially if your relationship is currently high-stress with minimal sex, stay away from sexual gifts entirely.
