I’d heard good things about this adult movie (including the fact that it had been nominated for AVN awards -best screenplay and best video features). While it wasn’t a bad movie in the short run, I was actually really surprised by the lack of “real” BDSM. I understand it was supposed to be a kinky movie, but it really did just end up being a vanilla version of “kinky”. It’s great for someone who doesn’t do BDSM on a regular basis is really what I’d say.
Warning: Spoilers are included in this review. It’s a full-plot summary and critique.
This movie would have been hot with minor improvements. For one, some of the dialogue was downright horrid. The “cock block wall”? Really? And I learn to break this “cock block wall” by learning the art of “coffee”? I’d love to see the sex scenes get cut down as well, and I think I’d want the director to watch some BDSM porn and actually go from there. The original “Secretary” (which isn’t porn) is a great, hot, sexual movie, but this one is just silly.
The Perfect Secretary adult DVD was directed by Nick Orleans and includes adult porn stars such as Melissa Brant, Haley Paige, Tommy Gunn, Carmen Luvana, Sir Nick, Trinity, Vincent Vega, and Tony Tedeschi. The front of the case shows Carmen Luvana bending over in a secretary outfit and says that this is Carmen’s first anal scene. The back of the case just showcases pictures of all of the different sex shots from the movie – that should have been my first warning that it was more focused on sex than BDSM, but after hearing reviews that proclaimed this “the adult version of Secretary”, I wanted to see it myself.
The movie itself focuses mostly on Haley Paige, the main character, who was fired from a previous job and now has ended up at this prestigious “Training Academy for the Perfect Secretary”. She is “disciplined” and “taught” the error of her ways and becomes the Head Secretary. I know, it sounds hot and BDSM-y, right? Nope, sorry.
We start off the movie with Haley Paige, who plays the main character, on the phone to a friend. She tells the friend that she’s been fired for having masturbated seven times at work, and then proceeds to hang up the phone and start to touch herself until she realizes that she’s late for her “Secretary” training. When she comes inside, Vincent Vega, with horribly bad acting skills as a “supervisor” (and ridiculously long pauses between his sentences where he stares at her for emphasis) berates her for having to come here. Another girl, Michelle B., comes in with coffee for Vincent, but he finds it unacceptable. Michelle then starts chanting “punish me” in a girly voice, and Vincent tells Haley she should enjoy it, since this is the last time she’ll get to, and Vincent “punishes” Michelle by making her suck his dick. She then starts saying “punish my breasts” and he hits her breasts with his penis. All the while, he has a flogger attached to his belt, and I’m wondering why he isn’t using that. During the entire scene, Haley Paige masturbates in the background. After this 8 minute long blowjob while Michelle makes moaning noises for no absolute reason, we move to the next scene.
Next, it gets a close up on the list of “rules” that includes “No Masturbating”. Next we cut to a scene with the girls all sitting up in some hot bondage gear and doing “secretary” things. This is actually probably the hottest part of the movie: Sir Nick takes Angela Stone around, crawling on a leash, and generally just treating her like a puppy. It’s really realistic. When Carmen Luvana goes to fetch the “puppy” a bowl of water, it turns into a lesbian scene. In and of itself, it’d be hot, but as soon as their clothes start coming off, it seems like both women have abandoned their roles. The “puppy” is ordering around the head secretary. The scene includes Angela Stone doing oral on Carmen Luvana. Out of nowhere, Tommy Gunn joins the scene and Carmen Luvana ends up giving him a blowjob while receiving oral. All the while in the background, Haley Paige is masturbating – which I thought was strictly against the rules yet noone is stopping her. After that, Tommy Gunn ends up having sex with Carmen Luvana. While he’s at least wearing a condom, the sex isn’t that arousing. This entire scene runs about 15 minutes.
Next we cut to the weirdest idea of this entire film. The two men in charge – Tommy Gunn and Tony Tedeschi – watch the girl’s break room/bathroom. Apparently, they have to inspect every “pussy” before “it” is allowed to leave. The two men have a conversation (with horrible acting) and continually reference the “cock block wall” which instantly threw me into giggles. A cock block wall? Really? Then Tony Tedeschi gives her the weirdest rule of all time: “If I tell you to pee standing up, that means I want a cappochino.” Wait what?
We then spend a couple minutes watching Haley Paige squat over a cactus – not doing anything. Just randomly squatting. A cactus on a pedastal. We then witness worst acting every when Tommy demands a cappachino and Haley says she doesn’t know how. He goes off on a minute-long rampage about how easy making a cappachino is – I’m wondering why he doesn’t just make it himself then. Gems include: “By the time I have finished teaching you, you will not understand just the essense of cappachino, but also the essense of cock”. “Your pussy and that cappachino machine have a lot in common.” (Sexist much?)”If you can learn to make a cup of cappachino, I believe we can learn to break down your mental cock block wall.” Tommy then continually mutters “cock block wall” during the entire time Haley is making this cappachino.
The next scene includes Tommy and Tony with Haley Paige and two other girls. The girls bend over the sinks while the men touch them. Then the scene moves on to the women giving the two men blowjobs. This scene lasts about eight minutes and is pretty basically boring.
The next scene starts out with “She chose the cactus over the cock.” We then continue with the most pathetic spanking ever known to man. He takes out a paddle and “taps” Haley Paige with it while she whines that she needs to be disciplined. Haley then begs to be tied up which Tony does. Then Vincent tells Haley to learn from Carmen what the “perfect secretary” is: “Mr. Thomps office. Mr. Thomps is in a meeting and he will be there…indefiniately. May I take a message? Yes, you are so right about access to Mr. Thomps, but he will be in a meeting…indefiniately.” Then Vincent takes one of Carmen’s papers, and Secretary-esque, circles a word in a red pen. The humourous part? There’s only one line on this entire “letter”.
The location changes to the bathroom for more “training” where Carmen gives Tony a blowjob while the tied up Haley Paige watches from the toilet. Haley then joins in the action, but is still tied up, so it’s limited. A vibrator also joins in the couple’s fun as Tony has sex with Carmen on the couch. It goes from vaginal to anal. This entire scene easily lasts 20 minutes.
In the next scene, a girl gets tied up on the desk which makes Haley want to try it. The cock block wall is broken! While Sir Nick ties up Haley, we watch the other girl struggle. After Haley is tied up, she gives Tommy a blowjob while Reno has anal sex with her. (Mind you, we haven’t seen Reno in the movie until this point, and even now, he just randomly comes in and has sex with her. It’s kinda odd.) This scene is about thirty minutes long.
After that, in an “time lapsed” scene, Haley walks into a room. I call this room “Most annoying room ever created”. Three women are bound in various positions and when Haley walks in, we get a constant barrage of “fuck me” and “touch my pussy”. And I mean constant. Maybe males would be turned on by three women wanting their attention, but their constant whining pleas were just annoying to me. We then watch as these three women get involved in giving Tony and Tommy blowjobs. There also is some sex, and this is really the last scene of the movie.
Overall, the “Dominants” (which were all men) struck me as overly pompous and uncomfortable with their roles. Not in a “I’d rather be a submissive” way, but in a “I don’t know how to act Dominant without being arrogant” way. Luckily, the music was actually pretty amazing and rarely lasted during sex scenes – it was mostly only during the storyline. The dialogue was horribly cheesy and like it was only written by someone who has no experience with kink. The dirty talk throughout all of the scenes and the annoying lack of continuance of roles after clothing came off was sad as well.
However, I was proud of the movie to showing safe sex to the viewers. They also used a BDSM-experienced top for all of the rope work in the movie – Sir Nick. Some of the movie was actually really hot – like the girl crawling around as a puppy. However, the sex scenes – which they intended to be hot – just seemed forced and really put me off.
The DVD allows you to search by scene if you’d like. It also includes a gallery of still-shot photos of the actresses in the movie. The trailers include “Amateur Angels 16”, “Swinging in the USA”, “At Your Service”, “Pussy Worship”, and “Dirty Girlz Volume 1”. There’s a bonus scene called “Erosity” by Brittany Andrews and Sal Correli. It’s a short femdom video that includes boot worship, a strap-on, and strap-on sex. Unlike the actual movie itself, this short piece actually is very BDSM-themed (albeit a little corny – but it is on a porn DVD after all.). The “Behind the Scenes” was actually fun to watch – it included different angles of the movie that actually allowed you to see the backstage equipment. It also allowed you to think of the stars more as human beings and get to know their real personality a bit better.
Overall, some ideas of this are really hot. I went into it expecting BDSM and was thoroughly disappointed by the bad dialogue and the distinct lack of BDSM once the sex began. However, if you are just seeking some kink in your regular sex, this is a good movie for you. It’s just a regular porn movie but it includes rope bondage, some discipline, and some very hot BDSM-esque outfits.
