Swinging is hot for lots of reasons. For many couples, not only is it something new, but it’s a chance to play with others without it being considered cheating. (In swinging, both partners agree on and adhere to a set of boundaries so they know what’s going on at all times). One particular surprise most people don’t think about is that swinging can help you discover things you never knew might turn you on. For some people, it’s a brand new love of kink.
BDSM can be similar too. Kink is focused on the journey of sexual expression, discovery, and learning. Both lifestyles are centered around boundaries, trust, consent, and lots and lots of open communication. Both swinging and BDSM can also happen at swinger clubs or in the bedroom. (If you’re at your local swinger’s club, make sure you know your club’s rules on kinky play before you imbibe!)
Here’s some advice if you’re a couple who wants to do both:
Try BDSM together before you involve anyone else. This should go without saying. BDSM, while exciting, can put the unprepared through needless psychological trauma. Do your research, figure out what you’re comfortable with (and what you aren’t), what turns you on (and what doesn’t), build trust between the two of you, and then talk about expanding the dynamic beyond that. In an ideal world, you and your partner should try most things together, privately, as a duo, before ever thinking about indulging in them while swinging.
Be Humble. One of the biggest tenants of BDSM is humility. Without humility, there’s a lot of potential to get into dangerous situations. Make sure to know what you know – and what you don’t know. Tying your partner’s wrists together once a couple of months back does not mean you can add “knows how to tie shibari” to your swinger profile. That’s how people get hurt. Make sure you’re honest with fellow kinky swingers looking to play. Everyone was new once, and some couples even have a kink for teaching people new things!
Don’t make assumptions. Though similar in values, swinging and BDSM are two entirely different sexy lifestyles. You can’t assume that just because someone is interested in one means they are interested in the other. For example, swinging usually involves penetrative sex whereas BDSM play doesn’t have to include sex at all. It’s really important to communicate before engaging in any sort of play so that everyone is on the same page.
Talk about boundaries. No two couples are exactly the same, and rules will vary depending on who you are playing with. Always, always, ALWAYS discuss boundaries and interests. This is non-negotiable.
Check-in with your own partner. Trusting your own partner with your own kinks and BDSM fantasies is one thing. Adding others to the mix can get complicated. For example, you might think watching your wife with another girl will make you hot… but then go into fight-or-flight once you see her getting tied up by someone else. Talk to your partner as things are happening and stop if either of you feels that you should. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and it happens. It may lead to hurt feelings in the moment, but it’s probably time to take a step back and employ some of that open communication before attempting it again!
Have two “safewords.” That means: one verbal and one physical. Your verbal safeword should be a phrase you could never accidentally say in bed (like “koala bear”). Your physical “safeword” should be something you can do without speaking in case you are gagged like clapping your hands together. Safewords mean “stop” – period. You two might choose to pick up play again after a long discussion, but that’s the point of a safeword: all play will instantly stop because something is wrong (even if it’s something as minor as you’re giggling too hard that you can’t breathe!) The important thing is that you have a conversation with anyone involved about why you had to stop so that things don’t reach that point again.
Take Advantage of the Kink Community. While very separate from the swinging community, the kink community has a whole lot of knowledge that could work to your advantage. If you choose to head to your local kink meet-ups, make sure you thoroughly understand the differences between that group of people and your local swinging group; they’re likely very different! While you’re there, you can learn how to do that amazing kinky thing you’ve been lusting after – or just find some inspiration for the next time you hit up the swinging group. Just go with an open mind! Sometimes kink meet-ups can be surprisingly intense for newcomers! (Too shy or swamped for time? Consider picking up some kinky how-to books. There are lots of books out there that will help you do those kinky things safely and enjoyably!)
Have fun. Involving new people means you’re not going to get it right every time, and you’ll probably feel a bit awkward. That’s okay! Your experiences don’t have to play out exactly like the hot swinger stories you’ve read. BDSM is all about exploration. Finding new desires and fantasies means going places you’ve never gone before, and that’s going to come with mistakes. Learn to laugh at yourselves!
As you can see, swinging and BDSM are not the same things, but when combined, they have the potential to give you the hottest experiences of your life! With great communication, preparation, and respect for one another’s choices, there’s no telling how wildly delicious your sex will become. All you have to do is start.
