BDSM Advice Series: BDSM Safe Calls

Are you looking to meet up with someone new to do kinky things? Did someone else recommend setting up BDSM safe calls – just to be safe?

It’s a good suggestion! Let’s talk about what these kinky safety calls are, what the point is, and how to set one up. We’ll also touch on what to do if you’re not comfortable with any type of safe call at all.

What are BDSM Safe Calls?

In kink, people often meet up to do less-than-safe activities with one another. Especially in the age of the internet, sometimes, we don’t really know the people we meet up with all that well.

That’s where BDSM safe calls come in.

If you’re meeting up with a stranger, a BDSM safe call makes it easy for a trusted third party to make sure you’re doing okay. Especially if you’re not hiring a professional for kink play, this system provides another layer of security when you’re not sure about someone’s credentials.

A safe call works like this:

If you want to meet up with a stranger to do kinky things, you enlist the help of a friend to be your communication point. There are two ways safe calls for kink usually go. Either:

• You both agree to an appointed time (i.e. “I’ll call you by 8:15PM”.) If you don’t call them, they call you. If you then don’t pick up the phone after attempts to get ahold of you, they call the authorities.
• You both agree to an appointed time. At that time, your friend gives you a call, and you’re expected to pick up. If you don’t pick up or call them back within an agreed-upon amount of time, they call the authorities.

This ensures someone is looking out for you and ready to enlist help if something seems like it’s going wrong. While most people aren’t out on BDSM dating sites trying to actively find a target to assault, some people are, and looking out for the bad actors is what BDSM safe calls are about.

You can also, technically, do either of these methods via texting, but safety experts usually recommend a voice call to make sure your friend can hear that it’s actually you checking in.

While BDSM safe calls are often used within the world of kink, there’s nothing wrong with using them for “non-kinky” one-night stands either. Any tool you can use that can help reduce the risk to your safety is always worth considering. Safe calls can also be useful with professional meet-ups. While meeting a professional is often safer than meeting a stranger, the risks are reduced further when using sites like hot.com to find verified escorts.

While BDSM safe calls are primarily designed to be used when meeting up with strangers, there’s nothing wrong with using them for established play partners – especially if you know the scene will be intense or immobilizing. For example, if you plan to be completely mummified, you might set up a safe call in case your top/dominant ends up having a heart attack or passing out, leaving you bound. In this case, since your meet-up partner is a known/safe entity, you’d arrange for your safe call contact to simply drive over and check in and make sure things are okay.

What Should I Discuss with the Person I’m Using for a Kinky Safe Call?

First, you should tell your safe call contact as much information as you have about your meet up. I’m talking about things like:

• Your full name and preferably, your address.
• As much of your date’s full name and address as you have. Screen names also.
• Any photos you have of your date.
• Where you’re meeting up including an address.
• Any other relevant details you can think of

However, if you’re open to it, you might consider setting up an additional discreet phrase. Similar to the world of dating, this phrase, which will sound boring and everyday to your friend, can either mean “call the cops now” or “please call back in 10 minutes with a fake emergency so I can politely leave”.

Your example safe call might look something like this:

• Safe Call Contact calls you
• You pick up
• They say: Oh, hey, long time no chat!
• You say: It has been a bit.
• They say: How’s the weather?

If you say “I’m tired of all the clouds”, this can be code for “Please call me back in 15 minutes with a fake emergency”. This way, your meet-up person doesn’t know that’s going to happen, but your safe call contact does. This allows you to either politely leave a boring meet-up, or, more importantly, politely leave a meet-up where you’re getting uncomfortable signals and aren’t sure how to get out.

If you say “Ugh, the weather has been shit”, this can be a code for “Please call the cops to here ASAP”.

If everything is normal, you can simply say the weather has been good and a nice “Oh, hey, I’m busy, can I call you back later?”

They’ll politely say “yes” like people do, and the call can be over.

Hiding your communication in plain sight has one very big benefit: your meet-up date doesn’t necessarily know it’s happening. If, god forbid, something is going wrong and your date demands you “act natural” when you pick up the phone, this is a 100% natural conversation you could have without tipping anyone off.

And, in less serious circumstances, this is a very polite way to ask your safe call contact to give you a call back if you simply need an excuse to leave for whatever reason.

What is the Effectiveness of BDSM Safe Calls?

Well, there are two scenarios here.

In one, you told no one where you were going or who you were with. You go missing, but no one knows you were doing anything risky, so most of your friends and family just assume you’re busy with work, like usual. Work assumes you’re calling off. It isn’t until a week goes by that someone thinks maybe this is actually more than your usual work deadline problem.

In the second, you set up a BDSM safe call. The abuser you met up with didn’t allow you to get to your phone, and after attempting to call you three times with no answer, your safe caller got worried and sent out a wellness check through the police. When police bang on the door, it freaks the abuser out, and the very risky, was-going-to-escalate scenario ends when the abuser has to answer the door and you’re able to escape.

Granted, these are both exaggerated scenarios, and we all know that police involvement can occasionally do more harm than good.

The point is: if you don’t have anyone checking on you and no one knows what you’re doing or where you’re going, there’s literally nothing to raise red flags with if, god forbid, something happens.

If you set up a BDSM safe call, while there are a myriad of ways the actual “rescue” could go, there’s at least a paper trail. Someone knows you were doing something high-risk. Someone knows some details about the high-risk person and where you went. Even if the police refuse to investigate a “missing person” until at least 24 hours have passed, there is information at the start to help guide the investigation once they start investigating.

Do I Tell My Date I’m Setting One Up?

Oh god, please yes.

This is a very, very easy litmus test for your potential meet-up. There’s a few ways telling your date can go:

• They don’t know what BDSM safe calls are. If that’s the case, they may or may not be malicious, but if they claim to be an uber-experienced dominant with ten years of experience, you have a pretty big reason to doubt them now.
• They’re totally cool with it and may even provide more information. They may even suggest changing your plans to a more public space or might ask what other things they can do to make you more comfortable. This is a big ass green flag. Your meet-up partner sees that you’re worried about safety, and they’re trying to help.
• They throw an absolute shit fit, get mad, or attempt to blame you in some manner. This is a BIG red flag. Anyone who cares about their partner’s safety and wants you to be comfortable will be okay with you advocating for yourself. While there are some legitimate complaints to be made about outing someone (you are, essentially, “outing” this person to a third party), they do not supersede someone’s personal safety.

Remember: if they’re not okay with you protecting yourself now, they’re not going to be okay with it once you meet up. If they don’t understand why you don’t trust a complete stranger right away, they’re going to assume that, just because you met up with them, you trust them for all risky activities.

If you’re not okay telling your meet-up date about your safe call, you don’t have to. That information is yours to share whenever you’re comfortable with it. Especially if you have a discreet system worked out with your safe call contact, they will never need to know. But do consider whether you’re at a point where you want to meet with this person privately if you’re already uncomfortable with the idea of advocating for your own safety.

Who Can I Use for BDSM Safe Calls?

Remember, in the age of the internet, there’s nothing saying that you have to tell your Mom or coworker what you’re doing.

If you’re someone who’s meeting up with someone off the internet for kink in the first place, I’d probably guess that you have some decent online friends too. Those online friends can also be candidates for your safe call.

Make sure that the person you choose for your BDSM safety notification is someone responsible that you trust. (They need to pass the puppy test.) They have to be responsible enough to keep track of time, check in with you, and be comfortable escalating the problem if you don’t answer. You also have to trust them enough to provide your location and some personal information for both you and your meet-up date.

Alternatives to BDSM Safe Calls: What If I’m Not Comfortable Setting Up a Safe Call?

Like everything in life, there’s a risk to not telling anyone what you’re doing. This could include sexual assault, rape, kidnapping, assault, and death.

But you are an adult, and you can choose what risks you want to take on. I just want to make sure aware of what the potential risks can be.

If you’re really not okay setting up a BDSM safecall with anyone at all, at least give the police (or a worried family member) somewhere to start if something happens.

This might mean leaving a piece of paper with all of the details of your date written on it on top of your bed.

If you’re tech savvy, this could include setting up an email blast to go out to a few trusted people if you don’t log back into your computer within a certain timeframe of your meet-up to turn off the email blast.

(Remember that the internet is filled with spam, and “I’ve been kidnapped, please send help!” emails are weirdly part of some scams. Make sure to include some personal details only you would know to help make sure anyone receiving this email knows you’re serious.)

This also might mean writing a document on your computer, and leaving it up on the screen, computer on, with all of the details of where you went and what you were doing. (Also make sure to save it to your desktop with a very capitalized, attention grabbing file name. We don’t want an accidental power outage to destroy your only plan.)

What Else Should I Know About Meeting Up a Stranger for Kink?

Remember: if you’re at the point where you’re not sure someone you’re meeting up with won’t hurt you, you’re not at the point to share too many personal details. If someone wants to hurt you, their first opportunity is when you initially meet up with them. If you give them a lot of personal details, they can always find you after that date too.

We live in a digital age. Basic information can be used to figure out where you live, work, and who cares about you.

I’m even talking about something as simple and forgettable as your car. If you drive to their house and park in front of it, if someone has the means to look it up, your driver’s license number is literally attached to your name and home address.

Make sure to safeguard most of your personal information as best as possible until you’ve reached a basic level of trust and understanding with someone.

As always, I highly recommend meeting up with someone in a busy public place for the first couple of times. While it’s easy to “talk a good game” online, most of us have a gut feeling that can let us know whether we’re comfortable (or not) with any given person.

And that gut feeling doesn’t usually go off until we’re actually in their presence.

Even with the best of intentions in a public space, a malicious person can get information you didn’t necessarily want to share. They might peek at the bill. They might offer to walk you to your car just to get a peek at a license plate. They might split with you amicably, but then walk back into the restaurant you came from, claim their “wife thinks she left her card in the bill folio, can you grab it for me to check?” to get your name.

Read Other BDSM Advice Articles

• BDSM Advice Series: How to Use Bondage Tape
• BDSM Advice Series: Everything You Need to Know about BDSM Gags
• BDSM Advice Series: Riding Crop for BDSM
• BDSM Nipple Clamps: Everything You Need to Know
• All Femdom Advice
• All BDSM Advice

If you have questions but are uncomfortable posting here, please feel free to send me an e-mail at the.mistress.kay@gmail.com . I’m always happy to help. :)

Updated: April 2025, February 2025, January 2025.