Lack of trust and jealousy can easily become destructive forces that can wear down your relationship. You would expect that one will trust their partner, but the reality is that we’re human. Jealousy and paranoia are part of most people’s natures, and we don’t want to lose the amazing things we already “have”. The media, the soap operas, and the movies we watch often portray paranoid or jealous behavior as “romantic”, and this can stain the way we see things. One big real-world example is when a person checks their partner’s private online activities. The question is: is this even acceptable? Should you consider doing this, and what effect will it have on your relationship?
Unfortunately, when you feel insecure, it’s hard to avoid those paranoid feelings that are stuck in your head. This is why when someone has trust issues, just telling them: “Don’t worry; you can trust me” won’t quite cut it. It can become a compulsory behavior, and nothing short of a slow, long trust-building process will cause the urges to go away. However, sneaking through your partner’s stuff only gives them more of a reason not to trust you – and less of a reason for you to trust them – and the ugly cycle will continue. Eventually, it will reach a point where they will leave you – or even worse, your fears of “cheating” might come true because of annoyance, anger, and an unsatisfied relationship. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy: your paranoid behavior has pushed your partner away, and in the process, you’ve made your paranoid predictions come true.
Well, let’s not beat around the bush: this stuff happens all the time. It doesn’t take a lot of forethought to realize that going through someone’s private online activities can end up really hurting that person. Imagine if someone did this to you. How would you feel? For most people, it can definitely erode some of the trust the two of you had. If anything, you know that they are doing things without your consent – which is certainly not the best way to grow a relationship.
But what if you discover that your partner has indeed been cheating on you on some naughty dating site? Does this mean that your actions are suddenly justified? It kinda feels like it, doesn’t it? As they say: it’s not paranoia when they’re after you. Is going into someone’s online accounts only justified by the success of your findings? Not quite. You’ve just piled another trust concern on top of the infidelity that your relationship is already going to have to handle. Multiple wrongs don’t make a “right” – but they certainly are going to make it harder to rebuild the relationship.
One article won’t be nearly able to cover that whole spectrum of the issue, but you should know that it is not acceptable to go through your partner’s online activities behind their back. If you don’t trust them, just tell them and ask them to show you what they are doing online. It might sound like a harsh thing to ask, but it’s better than just betraying their trust – especially when they’ve done nothing wrong. Consider a statement such as “I know it might sound silly, but I’m feeling really paranoid today because you’re so important to me. Could you show me what you’ve been doing online?”
If this is something you do with every partner you’ve ever had, then it might be time to consider a bit of extra help. Extreme paranoia and jealousy can decrease your satisfaction in relationships (and life!), but it’s mostly “treatable” with a change in perspective, open communication, and some professional help. After all, just like a single mental trait (fear of failure, free of heights) doesn’t have to change your entire life experience, a fear of losing your partner doesn’t have to change it either. You’ll just need to go through some extra steps to make sure you can manage your fears and expectations.
