No-strings sex dating is very popular these days, thanks to the glory of the internet. A lot of people find it easier to meet for a quick bit of fun rather than going into a fully committed relationship, and we can’t blame them! In fact there exists a great compromise between having sex with strangers and being in a relationship with someone: you’ve probably heard the term ‘fuck buddy’ before. Having that person that you can call upon when the urge strikes you is in fact the most convenient way one could have sex outside of a committed relationship; there is no commitment but you can still feel comfortable with each other (and of course, don’t forget about safe sex!). Sounds like the best of both worlds, but what happens if you start developing feelings beyond lust?
It’s just sex?
The root of the agreement between two friends with benefits is that they will have sex together: nothing more and nothing less. Fuck buddies get together for fun and also the knowledge that they can trust that person. That agreement implies some degree of complicity, which we can argue goes a little beyond the act of just getting naked and having fun. It will probably will start quite simply between two friends, but the situation often gets more complicated.
So this may be the first way you can simplify your no-strings-attached set-up: instead of having sex with friends, why not just meet people online instead? You can use sex dating sites and find people whom you don’t have a previous emotional attachment with. Because when it comes to friends, we often get closer than we think we will, and it’s easy to let our emotions get the better of us. When it comes to friends, you already know the hobbies you share, their personality you enjoy, and more. After all, that’s why so many relationships start as friendships in the first place!
Your Options if you Fall in Love with a Friends with Benefits
If you look at this logically, you only really have a few options here. What you choose to do within those options is up to you. In either situation, though, you have to realize that they don’t owe you anything. What you choose to do with how you’re feeling is up to you, but the consequences of that may include a dissolution of your arrangement, and that always sucks.
Tell Them How You Feel
It’s important to note that disclosing how you feel does NOT have to end your arrangement.
Especially in kink communities or for people experienced with polyamory, people may continue to play and have arrangements within unrequited love dynamics. I’ll offer some tips on bringing that to life below, but it’s important to note that disclosing how you feel does not have to end the arrangement.
Don’t Tell Them How You Feel
There’s a lot to be said about keeping your thoughts to yourself.
For one, feelings and emotions can be fleeting. You may not actually be in love with your FWB; you might actually just be lonely, and they’re your primary outlet for human connection and socialization. You might share your body and mind in a way that you don’t share with anyone else, and that simple act of intimacy can lead to feeling like you’re in love. (This is something even professional therapists have to deal with, and they’re not having sex with their clients!)
If you think that might be the case, try to branch out and make some new friends. Finding other outlets for human connection and emotional intimacy often will soften some of those affectionate feelings you had towards your play partner.
For another, disclosing your feelings to your casual play partner may dissolve your arrangement. If you both already have a good thing going, the idea of ending it might be enough to encourage you to keep your feelings to yourself. If you’re able to continue with your arrangement without putting undue pressure on your FWB, that can work.
For many people who are in love, though, it can be difficult to keep from wanting “more” from your arrangement. While you used to hang out after sex because you were too tired to move, you might find yourself hanging out longer because you want more skin-on-skin time. While you might have previously offered to spank your partner because you wanted to make sure the quid-pro-quo arrangement left you both satisfied, you might find yourself craving a spanking just to see them smile back at you.
Finally, you can keep your feelings a secret, waiting until they disclose their feelings for you. This usually doesn’t work out for most arrangements. While mutually falling for close friends or casual sex partners is a plot point you’ll see in virtually every romcom book or movie, it doesn’t usually happen that way in real-life. It’s unlikely that your casual play partner is harboring the same thoughts and waiting to make a move on you. I know, that’s not very fun, but it’s likely the truth.
If you’re going that route, consider setting a deadline for yourself. If your play partner doesn’t confess their feelings for you within X months, you’ll tell them about yours.
If you choose not to disclose how you feel, you also have to decide where your morality line lives. Some would say that secretly being in love with a play partner – without disclosing it – is placing them into an immoral, uncomfortable position. Some people would say that they should be aware of all factors before choosing to stay within an arrangement with you – and there’s some validity to that line of thinking.
Making a Play Partner Arrangement Work with Unrequited Love
Even within romantic relationships, one partner “loves” the other partner more than the other. In healthy romantic relationships, that balance tends to tip backwards and forwards, hopping between partners, as life keeps us busy and our day-to-day annoyances build up.
It’s possible to set up a power exchange dynamic or friends with benefits arrangement when unrequited love is involved. It’s just hard to do. “Hard”, however, isn’t “impossible”.
Doing the right thing
Just like when you love someone, lusting for them can be a hard thing to let go of. After all, lust is a very strong feeling. Heck a lot of us probably confuse those two feelings because they are so intense, but confessing feelings ahead of time will lead to less drama and complications down the line – even if you have to find a new way to fulfill your sexual desires. Don’t let sex turn into a negative thing. After all, it is one of the most enjoyable activities out there!
