No-strings sex dating is very popular these days, thanks to the magic of the internet. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sex and kink can be a really enjoyable activity all to itself while getting into and maintaining a relationship takes a lot more time and mental energy.
But what happens if you start developing desires for more than just fun and pleasure?
What is a Casual Kinky Play Partner?
The root of the agreement between two playmates is that they don’t expect a long-term commitment. In polyamorous speak, casual sex partners are not looking to ride the “relationship escalator“.
That isn’t to say there isn’t, necessarily, a level of commitment. Because of the kinky things we do, a certain level of trust may be required from our partners. Jumping into a scene with your new partner right after meeting them at a bar on Saturday “night” at 1AM may not end well. Dominant/submissive dynamics also require a level of negotiation that just isn’t possible if nobody will ever agree to commit to anything.
In the world of kink, “friends with benefits” arrangements may be more specifically negotiated than in the “let’s leave it vague” world of non-kink. However, those negotiations, commitments, and agreements typically focus more on the safety and boundaries of all participants instead of an expectation to get married or “meet the parents”.
Your kinky playmate agreements might look something like this:
- You will come to my house every Thursday at 6PM, dressed in the lingerie I like, for a BDSM play session. (This requires a commitment of time and effort.)
- We will let one another know if we engage in any activity that exchanges bodily fluids outside of our dynamic. We will then decide if the two of us will need to use safer sex barriers or stop playing together. (This requires a level of exclusivity and disclosure.)
- You will bring your own sex toys to every meet up we have. We’re both still playing with other people, so having your own toys that are “unique to you” will reduce safety concerns.
- We can only agree to meet up when my wife is out of town. She knows and is okay with us, but she doesn’t want our meet-ups taking away from time she could otherwise have with me.
All of this is to say: commitment, negotiations, and agreements are a staple of casual BDSM arrangements. This makes it a little easier to discuss falling in love with your playmate because we’ve had some of these discussions ahead of time, but it still isn’t fun.
Options if you Fall in Love with a Playmate
If you look at this logically, there’s only two ways this can go. What you choose to do within those options is up to you.
Tell Them How You Feel
It’s important to note that disclosing how you feel does NOT have to end your arrangement.
Especially in kink communities or for people experienced with polyamory, people may continue to play and have arrangements within unrequited love dynamics. I’ll offer some tips on bringing that to life below, but it’s important to note that disclosing how you feel does not have to end the arrangement.
Don’t Tell Them How You Feel
There’s a lot to be said about keeping your thoughts to yourself.
For one, feelings and emotions can be fleeting. You may not actually be in love with your FWB; you might actually just be lonely, and they’re your primary outlet for human connection and socialization. You might share your body and mind in a way that you don’t share with anyone else, and that simple act of intimacy can lead to feeling like you’re in love. (This is something even professional therapists have to deal with, and they’re not having sex with their clients!)
If you think that might be the case, try to branch out and make some new friends. Finding other outlets for human connection and emotional intimacy often will soften some of those affectionate feelings you had towards your play partner.
For another, disclosing your feelings to your casual play partner may dissolve your arrangement. If you both already have a good thing going, the idea of ending it might be enough to encourage you to keep your feelings to yourself. If you’re able to continue with your arrangement without putting undue pressure on your FWB, that can work.
For many people who are in love, though, it can be difficult to keep from wanting “more” from your arrangement. While you used to hang out after sex because you were too tired to move, you might find yourself hanging out longer because you want more skin-on-skin time. While you might have previously offered to spank your partner because you wanted to make sure the quid-pro-quo arrangement left you both satisfied, you might find yourself craving a spanking just to see them smile back at you.
Finally, you can keep your feelings a secret, hoping they will disclose their feelings for you. This usually doesn’t work out. While mutually falling for close friends or casual sex partners is a plot point you’ll see in virtually every romcom book or movie, it doesn’t usually happen that way in real-life. It’s unlikely that your casual play partner is harboring the same thoughts and waiting to make a move on you. I know, that’s not very fun, but it’s likely the truth.
If you’re going that route, consider setting a deadline for yourself. If your play partner doesn’t confess their feelings for you within X months, you’ll tell them about yours.
Is This Moral?
If you choose not to disclose how you feel, you also have to decide where your morality line lies. Some would say that secretly being in love with a play partner – without disclosing it – is placing them into an immoral, uncomfortable position. It falls outside of the kink communities’ accepted acronym for consent: “Risk-Aware Consensual Kink” (RACK).
If your partner isn’t aware that there’s a risk of higher emotional entanglement, they aren’t fully aware to consent to the relationship and the activities you’re doing.
You have to decide if this line of thinking mirrors your own. If so, even if it leads to the dissolution of your kink dynamic, the “right” thing to do would be to confess your feelings.
Making a Play Partner Arrangement Work with Unrequited Love
Even within romantic relationships, one partner “loves” the other partner more than the other. In healthy romantic relationships, that balance tends to tip backwards and forwards, hopping between partners, as life keeps us busy and our day-to-day annoyances build up.
It’s possible to set up a power exchange dynamic or friends with benefits arrangement when unrequited love is involved. It’s just hard to do. “Hard”, however, isn’t “impossible”.
You have some options:
Get Into a Romantic, Escalator-Climbing Relationship
You might confess your feelings to your play partner, and you might be surprised to find that those feelings mirror your own.
I want to be clear: this rarely happens!
But sometimes, it does. If that’s the case, and you’re both on the same page, you can both choose to deepen your dynamic with
If that isn’t the case, though, here are some other ways to continue your dynamic even if one of you feels deeper feelings than the other.
Set Boundaries On Your Relationship
If you think you’re in love, you can find yourself craving more time, attention, and intimacy with the person you’re in love with. If that other person doesn’t share those feelings, this can be where your dynamic starts to become a problem. You want more, more, more while they were quite happy with where you both were.
To avoid this, set boundaries on your playmate dynamic. One of the best things about this solution is that it doesn’t require disclosing your feelings to your partner; you can intentionally set limits for yourself without necessarily negotiating this with a partner.
Those boundaries or limits will vary based on what you’re currently craving and what you know about yourself. Some common examples might be:
- I will only see my playmate once a week.
- I will not kiss my playmate on the mouth.
- I will not exchange bodily fluids in any way, and I’ll use safer sex barriers to avoid that happening.
- I will intentionally ask my playmate about their other partners to remind myself that they are not seeking a monogamous relationship.
- I will not enter into a power exchange dynamic with them.
- I will not allow any commands/requirements/restrictions than affect me outside of our scheduled play sessions. Any Dominant/submissive play we do will be during our specific play date times to reduce how encompassing this relationship feels.
- I will meet up with my partner’s wife/husband/etc. once a month for coffee, reminding myself of their other responsibilities and ensuring their partner doesn’t see me as a threat.
It’s a bit like your favorite food. Some people might only pick it up once a week from the supermarket so they’re not tempted by having it in the house every day. Other people might choose a day ahead of time (“Donuts are only for Friday”). Other people might only allow themselves their favorite foods during certain activities (“I’ll only have a drink if I’m out with friends”) or as a reward for other activities (“If I get my workout in, I’ll add some flavor to my coffee.”) Some people intentionally portion control their favorites ahead of time, automatically putting half of their food into the fridge as soon as they receive it to ensure they don’t eat all of it now.
We all have things that we crave and want, and if you sit and think for a bit, you might be able to apply your “moderation strategies” to your relationship too.
Explore Polyamory
Polyamory is a lot more common in BDSM communities than it is in the world at large. If you and your partner are open to some form of polyamory, this may be a solution. This one is especially common when the two people have mutual feelings but external entanglements or relationships had previously prohibited anything more from developing with the two of you.
I want to be honest: this kinda feels like the “have your cake and eat it too” option. Not only does your playmate get to keep all of their other relationships, but you both get to explore one too. And it is; it is a bit like having both.
But it’s rarely as smooth as that. Everyone’s current romantic partners need to agree. Even then, if everyone has previously operated as monogamous, there are going to be some pretty big drama-filled evenings when jealousy pops up.
Jealousy in polyamory is normal, but most of us haven’t developed the tools to handle ongoing jealousy. In monogamous relationships, you might get a bit jealous if someone hits on your lover at a bar, but you know that it’s temporary and your lover will be leaving this transient person soon. That won’t be the case with a polyamorous relationship; everyone needs to develop the tools to handle and work through jealousy as these relationships are expected to continue.
If you want to go down this route, I highly recommend some very open conversations as well as diving deep into some books and articles on polyamory.
Keep in mind that polyamorous relationships vary widely. Some people in polyamorous relationships only see each other once a year. Others may live between two different households. Don’t assume that becoming poly requires changing how often you both see each other; adding polyamorous overtones simply means that everyone involved in intimate relationships is okay with more intimate/romantic/ongoing contact happening between you and your playmate.
Be Honest When It Pops Up
There are probably certain activities or feelings that really “bring on” those feelings of romance and intimacy.
If you and your casual playmate agree to it, you might find that being open and honest when those feelings come up can really help you both work through it. This might look something like:
- “When you spank me while I’m bent over your knee, I feel really subby and makes me want to do more with you.”
- “When you call me your “Pet”, it really makes my brain feel like we’re in a romantic relationship.”
- “When I’m away from you and writing your name on my body before work, it makes me think of you all day. It’s hard not to want more when I’m thinking of you all day, every day.”
Once those things are out in the open, you have a few options.
- Choose not to do those activities. If certain things are triggering those desires, you both can agree that they maybe aren’t a good idea. This doesn’t have to be a permanent solution: you can always revisit these things later.
- Modify those activities. By making a few changes to the activities you’re already doing, you might still be able to do those activities without triggering those cravings. Taking one of the above examples, you might still do spanking – but you might intentionally avoid any over-the-knee positions.
- Do those activities but do them intentionally and change your aftercare plans. If you both know that a certain activity makes you really crave some public declarations of love, go into those activities with awareness of the feelings you’re building up. This may mean taking some time during aftercare to verbally and physically re-establish where you both are as partners. This can be an awkward conversation (“I really enjoy the scenes that we do, and they help me explore sides of myself I never knew I wanted to, but I want to reiterate that I’m not looking for a committed romantic relationship right now”), but making sure everybody is on the same page is one of the best ways to keep a different-desires relationship going.
Find Another Playmate
If you remember, we talked about your love for your playmate may not actually be “love” at all. It may be a solution for your loneliness or an endorphin high – and your new casual playmate just happens to be the “source” for all of those feel-good feelings.
If you think that may be the case, an easy solution can be to find another casual play partner. With another play partner around, it can be easier to see what feelings for your first play partner are genuine desires for “moving up the escalator” and what ones are simply happening because this person is your sole outlet for other needs.
Just make sure finding a new casual play mate is within the negotiated limits with your current relationship!
Originally Posted: May 25, 2017.
Updated: July 2025.
