Whether you’re in a long-term monogamous relationship, polyamorous relationship, or just hoping to start up a relationship with a new person, having a general expectation of a relationship can avoid a lot of excess heartache and grief. Especially in alternative types of relationships such as kink-only or polyamorous arrangements, there isn’t always a clear expectation of what all parties want. In “traditional” dating, two people meet each other and find out if they’re (assumably) going to be compatible for the rest of their lives. What if you’re already married? In alternative situations like those, it may help to set up a playful “relationship contract”.
While everybody’s contract may look different, this type of clear, set-out arrangement allows all parties to enjoy the relationship without worrying about miscommunication. You probably already do this on a conversational level. You both might agree that you’d like to see each other once a week on the evenings or that a primary partner (or family or friends) may always come first. Putting it all out on the table with a negotiation-style just helps you both stay on the same page and prevent any misunderstandings.
Bringing this topic up with your partner doesn’t have to be awkward. In fact, you can make an enjoyable and playful experience. If you’re at a loss for words, consider something like: “I really enjoy spending time with you, and I want to make sure that we’re both as happy and as fulfilled as possible in our relationship. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to sit down and discuss what we both really would like from each other to avoid any future misunderstandings”. If it makes it more fun for the two of you to open up a word processor and make a “professional” contract, go for it! If you prefer just a verbal discussion, that can work too. However, I would recommend that you have your agreements written down in some format. The idea isn’t to throw it in your partner’s face in an argument (“You said we could meet twice a week and we haven’t!”), but instead, the idea is that you both can revisit what you’ve agreed to at a later date and see if things have changed.
Whether you want to call it a “relationship contract”, a “relationship agreement”, or a “friendship pact”, the idea is the same: it’s a general set of principles that you both agree upon that makes everything run more smoothly. If you’re hoping to set up a “relationship contract”, here are some things you may want to consider:
Time Together: If there’s ever a single thing we only get a limited amount of in our lifetimes, it’s time. We can always make more money or buy more things, but the amount of time we have is always finite. Discussing how much you’d like to see one another is a good idea to nail down. Misunderstandings of time, sexuality, and money tend to spark the largest disagreements in most relationships. Whether you want to hang out once a week with an overnight visit or prefer to see each other every two weeks for a couple days in a row, this is something that you both should discuss and agree upon.
Digital Contact: If you can’t see each other often, you may want to talk about how often you’d expect digital contact. Would you like a text at least every day? Would you rather prefer an e-mail once every couple days instead of the regular, smaller texts? Knowing where you both stand on this will help you both stay close to one another even when you’re not in the same physical proximity.
Sexual Activities: Sex is a huge part of most relationships – or it may not be a part of yours at all. What does matter is that you both agree on it. Whether you both think once a week is a good amount, once a month is fine, or once a day would be great, having sexual differences can cause a lot of frustration – and quickly. Discuss what works best for both of you, and be able to compromise with what you’d like. This may also be the time where you want to discuss any particular issues that may make you more/less interested in having sex, so that your partner may understand in the future. (For example, if your partner wants to have more sex, but you find that having sex after having to deal with the children all night doesn’t work for you, your partner may want to volunteer for childcare duties on occasion to make sex more appealing)
Sexual Safety: Especially if you’re polyamorous (or just have multiple partners!), sexual safety is an important aspect of any relationship. While you can’t “require” anyone to do anything else (remember, we’re talking about personal boundaries here!), you both can definitely negotiate what you’re comfortable with. That might look like agreements to use condoms with every partner – or disclosures to all partners when a condom breaks or some part of the sexual experience goes wrong.
Your sexual safety discussion should also include a talk about what your STI testing looks like. We know, we know. Going to the doctor for a sexual test isn’t the most-fun thing to schedule. (Especially if you’re like me and only have insurance that covers one comprehensive test a year. Ick!) You both should discuss how often STI testing will come up and what will be done with the results. Does this include sharing the paperwork to all partners? Does this mean agreeing not to get involve with new partners unless they can provide this same testing frequency?
(Can’t get to the doctor, have privacy concerns, or don’t have insurance that supports your sexual health? STI testing can be done online too. Online STI testing lets you get tested for common STIs from the comfort of your own home – and usually cheaper than a doctor’s office if you don’t have insurance. These particular links will also get you $15 off your STI test online – adding up the savings and making it easier to keep up with your sexual health!)
Monetary Considerations: While you and your partner may wing it when it comes to who foots the bill, you might want to briefly discuss this point. It may turn out that one of you has been feeling frustrated over never (or always) paying the bill. While it’s not something you have to include, having this point ironed or (or at least ensuring there are no hard feelings) might make things run more smoothly.
Consider Outsiders: If you’re in a polyamorous arrangement, you may want to bring in people outside of the dating couple – or at least request their input. While the two of you may be great with the timeline you’ve set up, in a poly relationship, there may be more opinions to consider. While the two of you may think that hanging out twice a week would be great, another partner may feel shafted if they’ve been longing for more of your time. Asking your other partners for their opinion or input may prevent hard feelings in the future, but as always, understand that you can make the final decisions for yourself.
Other Arrangements: While these things can work themselves out on their own, you may want to discuss some of the smaller aspects of your relationship as well. How often would you both like to sleep (actually resting) together? Is sexting allowed or encouraged? If the relationship gets serious, how would holidays get split up? What are the arrangements for food preparation and how often would you like to go out to eat?
