So, you’ve been with this partner for a long time, and you want to try doing something more kinky with them. Problem is, you’re not too sure about how to introduce them into trying something kinkier without scaring them off. If you have a pretty out-there fetish, I recommend you hold off on mentioning that until you “dip your toes” into the water, but for many fetishes, most people don’t realize how accepting and adventurous most people can be. Still, it can be pretty scary when you’re worried about scaring your partner off. Here are some ideas to give you an idea about how to tell your partner you want kinky sex.
Start with Something “Less Kinky but Still Kinky”: Have you and your partner experimented with sex toys in the bedroom? Why not? While it may not be your perfect fantasy, sex toys are usually considered something “kinky” while most people are totally okay with using them in the bedroom. If you’re concerned that your partner may be offended by you “replacing” them, choose a sex toy that you and your partner can use together such as a cock ring or a couple’s vibrator like the We-Vibe.
Find Something Similar: Don’t want to admit your fantasy but want to try to figure out how your partner feels? It will be easiest to find something similar. For example, find an erotic story that features your fantasy, and ask him/her to read it and find out they feel. If you have a good idea of where something may be featured in a movie or television series, you can also watch that with your partner and then bring up the scene after the show is over. This gives you a good chance to gauge your partner’s reaction.
Make it a Game: If you’re willing to be open to your partner’s kinky lusts (and you should be if you’re wanting them to be open to yours), you can try making it a game. Whether you want to sneak it into a game of truth or dare or try “I’ll Tell You Mine if You Tell Me Yours”. This gives you the “out” that you can say you just wanted to see how they’d react if they react very negatively. Hopefully they won’t, though!
Go Sex Toy Shopping Together: Depending on your fetish, this may make more sense for some rather than others. For example, while at the sex toys store, if you wander from the body lotions over to the bondage cuffs, it will give you and you partner a chance to talk about it. If you slowly wander to the strap-on harnesses, you can get the chance to gauge their reaction while you can always say you were “Curious” if their reaction doesn’t seem so warm.
Make It Fit Into Theirs: If you know your partner has a certain fetish or interest, try and find a way that your fetish would fit into theirs. For example, if your partner loves watching you wear pajamas and you’ve gauged their reaction to strap-on sex to be mostly warm, you might want to try wearing a strap-on with a dildo underneath your favorite pajamas. This is a basic psychological technique, but you’re basically pairing something they already love with something new – which helps them associate the new thing as something they’ll love.
Talk to Them!: This is the scariest option, but it’s also the most straight-forward option. Pick a time where you both have the chance to sit down and talk about it, and don’t pick in the middle of sex – that’s a bad time. You’ll just want to discuss what you enjoy and what you’re hoping to enjoy with your partner. Emphasize that you don’t want to make them uncomfortable and they can ask for things to stop at any point when you and him/her explore this fetish. Emphasize that their comfort is the most priority, but you think this is something that will turn you on, and you want to explore it with them.
Whatever you do, you do NOT just spring it on them! Depending on your fetish and what you want to do, this may be harder to do in some instances, but in the midst of passion is not usually the best time to spring a random idea on someone. If you’ve “scoped” out their interests beforehand and you think they’ll be positive to it, there might be hope, but if you have no idea how they’ll react, going for a full surprise usually isn’t the best way to go about it. There are instances when it has worked well, but there are just as many instances when it has been horrendous.
It’s also worth keeping in mind that everyone’s idea of “kinky” is different. If you regular play with bondage, using a dildo may not be kinky, but maybe using a cane would be. If you and your partner have never done anything but missionary, even using a vibrator might be kinky for you. Understand that your relationship is unique from everyone else’s, and you should take your sexuality, and your adventures, at your own, personal pace without worrying that you need to be “more” kinky. Do what works best for you!
Either way, understand that your sexuality is an important thing to your personality and your sex life, and if you find that your partner isn’t receptive or even slightly willing to explore things, you may want to reevaluate the relationship and how important this kink is to you. Unless your kink non-consensually harms someone else, most fetishes are perfectly fine and are things that can be embraced. Wanting to explore your fetishes with a partner is just a natural way of adding intimacy and new adventures to your sex life. Taking the time to introduce your partner to kinky sex can be scary, but hopefully these tips have helped you out a bit.
