More and more people are becoming curious about kink. 50 Shades of Grey, sex blogs, and magazine articles are making sure that kinky activities are slowly becoming an acceptable topic of mainstream conversation. And this is great! And having a BDSM fetish can help people all over the world healthily explore their sexuality. But that being said, a lot of people have never engaged in BDSM and their curiosity mostly stems from pop culture. Now, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean there’s more room for error. I’m sure you saw the outcry after 50 Shades of Grey launched from the kink community; it isn’t necessarily a healthy portrayal of how real power exchange relationships work. There’s a lot of people flying in blind (with only pop culture as their teacher!) and like with anything else, that can lead to some pretty bad outcomes. Here’s some pretty common misconceptions:
They can do whatever they want to their sub
This is a huge misconception about the dominant role. Yes, a dominant controls the acts of their submissive, but this doesn’t mean they can go wild. Each dom/sub relationship requires a lot of communication before, during, and after a session. No sub will let you do whatever you want. They have their own personal boundaries. And the dominant should have personal boundaries as well! Before a scene starts, a lot of kinksters negotiate what they’re going to do within the scene – and it should include all partners getting what they want or need out of the scene. Kink isn’t just about having a human sex toy.
They have no idea what they’re doing
Everyone was a newbie at power exchange at some point. But some new doms are excited and want to skip the basics. When it comes to BDSM, it’s crucial dominants learn about safety and how to handle equipment properly. If not, they can do physical and mental damage to their subs. It’s okay not to know what you’re doing, but it’s not okay to pretend otherwise. Don’t skip learning the basics. Don’t pretend to know that you know more than you know. Our egos can be dangerous, dangerous things during BDSM – where mistakes can occasionally have very-real (or even fatal!) injuries. Attend kink events if you can. Read educational books if you can’t. Practice on yourself or non-human objects where skill level is important (rope bondage, impact play, etc.).
They’re not honest about their experience level
When it comes to intimacy, whether it’s in or out of the BDSM realm, it’s important to be honest and upfront about your sexual history. A common mistake new dominants make is pretending they’re more experienced than they really are. If you’re thinking about trying the dominant role, you need to be honest with your sub and your level of experience. Not only will this help temper your partner’s expectations, but it might lead to repeat play. An “experienced dominant” who sucks isn’t likely to get a repeat play session. A newbie dominant who made some mistakes is likely to get some feedback – and has a far likelier chance of playing with that person again.
They misunderstand the role of the dominant
Being dominant doesn’t mean acting disrespectfully towards your sub. There’s a whooooooole lot of porn out there that fantasizes this, so it’s even more confusing! As a new dominant, it can be hard to fully understand the role you’re going to take on. Yes, you dominate your submissive, but you’re not “required” to treat them like a doormat. You and your partners may agree that, during scene times, everyone enjoys some harsh, strict words. But that isn’t a 24/7 behavior. Nobody wants to be treated subhuman constantly – even if their arousal makes them think otherwise. Intense, degrading stuff should be limited to scenes-only – especially until you’ve gained some experience.
They try to ignore the safe word
The safe word is the number one rule when it comes to BDSM. Whether you’re dominant or submissive, the safe word is meant to stop any activity that’s making someone feel uncomfortable -and stop right now. Fuck that up, and you’re likely to find yourself on a blacklist and ejected from all local events. It isn’t okay. It isn’t cute. It’s straight-up abuse. If someone safewords, you stop. It’s the equivalent of yelling “NO!”, and it needs to be adhered to – no matter what was going on.
They think they don’t need aftercare
Some new doms think that once a session is over, they can just go back to carrying on with their normal day-to-day activities. But, when it comes to the dom/sub relationship, both parties need to invest in aftercare. Whether it’s cuddling, talking about the session, or showing affection, it’s extremely important to incorporate aftercare in your session. Like everything else, you should talk about your aftercare needs during negotiation. Some people want something as casual as to share a cigarette afterwards while others prefer a half an hour of bed cuddling and soothing. Some prefer to be covered in a blanket and left to process while others just *need* a chocolate bar right now. Spend some time thinking about your needs, and make sure you’re able to provide to your partners’ needs as best as possible.
If you’re curious about exploring the dominant role, it can be a great experience for you. Of course, you’re going to make mistakes along the way; that’s just a part of it. But treat it like any other skill you’re starting in, and you can slowly gain experience (and knowledge) to help you get better. And better, kinkier sex is always awesome.
