“BDSM Dating”
I think we can all agree that using a dating-specific website is probably one of the best ways to find people to date. At the same time, most dating and relationship-focused websites aren’t really focused on kinks and fetishism. Most specifically avoid mentioning it to avoid the platform turning into a “hook-up site”. As you can guess, you’ll likely find the most amount of people open to long-term relationships and dating (versus hooking up and fetish sex) if you’re using a dating website. However, now that you have a large pool of people available to you, how do you narrow down which one of the website users are also kinky? Here are a few ideas:
Put It On Your Profile
If you’re truly interested in finding someone who is really into your kink, you might consider laying your kink out on your profile. You don’t need to go into explicit detail – or sexual detail – but you might consider a base statement about what your particular kink is. (For example, “I’m really into women who love wearing heels. You don’t have to, but it’ll always be a nice way to impress me.”) Try to avoid too explicit of statements (“I love jerking off to stilettos. Wearing high heels to our first date will get me so hard.”) as they’ll likely scare off any potential dates.
If you don’t want to get so specific, you can always keep things vague. For example, you can get away with saying you’re looking for someone who’s kinky. Or looking for someone who’s open-minded and interested in experiencing more in the bedroom.
For more efficacy, unless you’re looking for just a hook-up, make sure your profile has more information than just this kinky statement. If your profile focuses on your kink and trying to date someone kinky, most potential dates will assume you’re just looking for casual sex. If that’s your intent, go right ahead! However, if you’re reading this article to try to find a partner to date, make sure that the mention of your kinks is relatively small in comparison to the rest of the information on your profile about yourself.
As a note, you have to be careful about this option. Some platforms may have rules against any obviously sexual content being listed in your profile. When that’s the case, avoid listing any specific information, but instead, a tongue-in-cheek approach can be just as effective. Statements like “I’m adventurous in and out of the bedroom and would love to find someone similar” or “I’d love to hit it off with a man who loves experimenting with new things ;) ” will get the point across that you’re kinky and interested in sex beyond the vanilla.
Bring It Up Early
If you’re not comfortable posting about your kinky proclivities on your profile, you might consider bringing it up somewhat soon within the dating process. If you’re getting the feeling that the other person is comfortable with the topic online, you might consider bringing it up in messaging before the first date. If you don’t get that feeling, consider bringing it up during the first few dates.
You’ll need to be very careful about this option, however. Some potential dates are going to be scared if you bring up sex or sexuality early-on in the conversation. Like I’ve mentioned before, it’s one of those “red flags” for someone who’s only using a dating platform purely for casual sex. Instead, do two things. First off, obviously state that you’re happy to discuss any other topic and aren’t interested in pushing for any answers if that they don’t want to give. Second off, keep the conversation factual. Don’t turn it into cybersex or allow your own arousal to seep into the conversation. Keeping it matter-of-fact will help the other party think that you’re just enjoying a topic of conversation – rather than trying to rope them into something they may not be interested in.
Keep in mind: like I said earlier, you can always go “more vague” than “more specific”. Especially early in the relationship, it’ll be easier to get someone to admit (or talk about) whether they’re kinky – and not-so-much if they’re getting sock sniffing and chastity. At the bare minimum, if you’re looking to enjoy a relationship which includes your various kinks, knowing that your partner is kinky and open to more than vanilla sex is definitely a great first step to aim for within the first couple of dates. I, personally, am not really interested in meeting up for even the first date unless I know that the person is kinky, but that’s not going to work for everyone.
Use Kink Websites
If you find that using the dating websites isn’t working for you, it might be time to look towards a kink-specific website. There are some BDSM dating websites like BDSM Dating Only are specifically designed for kinky dating. You might have to sort through more people who are looking for casual sex and hook-ups, but there are definitely people on these websites who are looking for long-term connections too.
The same rules apply as mentioned earlier. If you’re genuinely looking for a relationship through BDSM dating websites, make sure your profile includes some good information about you – not just your kinks. You can definitely go into more details about your kinks on a BDSM dating website, but giving information about your non-kink life and self makes it obvious that you’re looking for more long-term connections.
