Help! My Partner is Afraid of Sex Toys!

January 08th, 14   •   Posted by Mistress Kay   •   No Comment

A lot of people have successfully integrated sex toys into their bedroom sex lives, but if you’re with someone who’s concerned about having sex toys in the bedroom, it can be hard to convince your partner about sex toys. Depending on your partner’s past experience, they may consider sex toys to be “kinky” or they may just have possible insecurities where they’re worried about being replaced with sex toys. No matter what they’re concern is, it’s still possible to bring sex toys into the bedroom with a scared partner. It just takes a slower path than if your partner was already-willing.

Step 1: Have Serious Understanding: You may have no idea why your partner is reluctant to have sex toys in the bedroom. This is where you need to have some understanding. A past relationship may have gone extremely badly after their ex started to rely on sex toys instead of focusing on their relationship. They may have sexual abuse situations that might have involved sex toys. They may have body insecurities and are afraid of being compared to the design of the toy (in the case of realistic male masturbation sleeves and realistic dildos). However, at the same time, you should expect your partner to give a little too. Part of a healthy relationship is compromise, and a “No, I’m not doing it ever. End of discussion.” response from your partner is a possible warning sign. It’s much more understandable to expect a response like “No, I’m really not comfortable with it at the moment. Why is it something you’d like to try?” Again, though, try to keep yourself open-minded in case your partner’s reluctance is due to a past circumstance.

Step 2: Have a Discussion: Now that you’re going into this conversation with a sense of understanding, it’s time that the two of you sit down and have a discussion. Don’t do this in the middle of sex; it’s a bad time and tensions will run higher if this discussion is getting in the way of arousal. Instead, pick a time where you both are relaxed and nobody needs to run out the door anytime soon. Sit down and discuss the issue. Some topics to bring up: Why are you interested in bringing sex toys into the bedroom? How is it going to enhance the relationship? To ease your partner’s concerns, is there anything you can do to help reassure them that the toys are there to enhance – not harm? Is there something specific in mind that you wanted to try? Is there something that would make your partner more comfortable than other things? (For example, they may be more okay with a basic plastic vibrator rather than a realistic dildo).

Step 3: Share some Mutual Fantasies: It might be helpful to try and provide erotic examples of how your imagined sex toy could fit into the bedroom. Sharing a fantasy with your partner can really help them to understand how bringing toys into the bedroom could be arousing. It’s vital that you pick a good fantasy to share, though. If your fantasy includes you using a dildo on yourself while you talk about how “inferior” your partner is to the dildo (which is a fantasy for some), this may not be a good one to share if your partner is insecure. Instead, focus on a fantasy that involves the two of you in a loving manner. Maybe you’d like to use a toy on yourself while he watches? Maybe you think it’d be nice if you could put a cock ring on your penis and provide more vibrations for her during intercourse? Focusing on the fantasies that involve the two of you getting more pleasure will end up with a more positive effect.

Step 4a: Revisit at a Later Date: If you don’t find them agreeable to trying toys in the bedroom, don’t worry! As long as your partner was open to the discussion, you should try back in awhile to see if their comfort level has changed. However, what you don’t want to do is nag. Make it clear to your partner that it’s something you want to try, but you also want to respect their boundaries, so you both can revisit the topic sometime in the future, and maybe things will have changed by then. It’s important that you make it clear that you want to do it at some time, but you also are being understanding of their needs and concerns.

Step 4b: Choosing a Toy – Together: If you both happen to make it this far, you’re going to want to choose a toy together. By sitting down and choosing the toy together, you help include your partner in the process and you avoid triggering future problems by possibly bringing a toy they don’t like into the bedroom. Instead, you and your partner can sit down and talk about what looks fun for the two of you. In fact, this can work as a small bit of foreplay in itself, so you may find yourselves even more excited for the toy to arrive.

If it seems like a good idea, you may want to lean towards sex toys that were designed to be used as a couple. This would include toys such as cock rings, couple’s vibrators, and more. (The We-Vibe 4 is now out, and We-Vibe always is recommended highly as a couple’s toy) If you stick to these categories, you’ll both be using them together which can help relieve some of the concern your partner may have had.

Step 5: Enjoy It! No matter how the experience goes, make sure to thank your partner afterwards for being open-minded about trying something new. If it was a bad experience, you and your partner should take some time afterwards (again, not in a sexual setting) to discuss what you did and didn’t like. If it was positive, you and your partner should definitely repeat the experience! Along with that, though, you may consider looking into other sex toys or trying other types of toys in the bedroom.

With some understanding and time, bringing sex toys into the bedroom with a reluctant partner doesn’t have to be so bad. Make sure to take things slow, always respect your partner, and don’t get pushy. It’s all part of compromise – like many things in a relationship – but sex toys can definitely enhance a relationship, and if they are something you think would be pleasurable for the two of you, it’s definitely worth pursuing.




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